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| Photo by Molly |
For Satia and her family,
for our three sons and their father,
for my twin brother and our ancestors,
and for all of us who have struggled
to grow into the wholeness and
beauty of who we truly are.
This is one of the most important pieces that I have written because of its implications for our healing and transformation both individually and collectively.
I believe in our human capacity to grow and evolve into the embodiment of our true nature. I have experienced this profound transformation in my own life and that which I have witnessed in countless others.
What I address and illuminate here is the antidote to the great suffering of those who have been tragically lost and disconnected from the sacred thread of love and beauty that is woven through us, through all of life, and is at the heart of who we are...
***
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| Satia, June 1985 |
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| Satia with her younger sister Ashley, my three sons, and our dog Dillon, September 1990 |
Satia
It has now been over two weeks since I first learned of the death of the adult daughter of old friends...
In the early years of my sobriety and healing journey, our family did everything with Satia, her younger sister, and her parents. As adults, we participated together in 12 Step meetings and therapy and conferences with John Bradshaw and others. As families, we shared holidays and birthdays and beach trips and more. We were present for the births of our youngest children, our "recovery" babies.
Then, after seven years, our families began to go our different ways. There is no blame or shame in this at all. And, regardless of anything that unfolded all those many years ago, Satia and her family never ceased being held in my heart with the deepest caring and love. These were unbreakable bonds that lived on within me.
Satia's tragic death has hit me hard. My grief is with me every day. And my heart aches for the unimaginable pain and loss that her parents and younger sister are experiencing. Just aches... And there are so many who loved Satia.
I need to stop and weep....
This is very painful... to go here. And I am compelled to. Because there are stories that need to be told. And as I follow the threads of this deep grief ― mine and that of those Satia has left behind ― I am plunged into the larger experiences of all of us who have suffered and struggled to find our way home to our Self.
* * * * *
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| Our family, 1990 |
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| Matthew, Kevin, and Brian, 1993 |
Our Family
Reflecting on our three young sons and their father and myself, it is so clear to me how great my passion was all those many years ago. I was absolutely determined to break the generational cycle of addiction and pain ― and especially for our precious children.
For years, I did everything that I was told to do. Initially, upon breaking out of my denial in 1983 about my former husband's alcoholism (thank you, Ann Baker), I went to Al-Anon. Then, in 1984 when I emerged from my delusion that only Jim was an alcoholic, I got sober and began attending AA myself. I got sponsors and worked the Steps and began to develop a new community of sober friends. Shortly after that ― and upon now understanding more about addiction and how my parents were also alcoholic ― I went to ACOA 12 Step meetings (Adult Children of Alcoholics) for years.
I'd also put myself through two treatment programs in 1983 for spouses and friends of alcoholics. I was a committed to learning about addiction and its impact on myself, my family of origin, and how to "break the cycle." Then in 1985, as my childhood trauma was emerging and I feared relapse, at nine months sober I also put myself through a 28 day inpatient alcohol and drug treatment program. And I'd embarked in years of counseling ― individual counseling, couples counseling, couples group counseling, a women's counseling group, weekend counseling intensives.
And my young lifetime of repressed, suppressed, depressed, and denied emotions came flooding out onto the pillows I beat and the rage I screamed and the grief I wailed. For years. Initially it felt like the intensity of it all would kill me, and there were times when I wanted to die. But I couldn't. Because of my three young sons. And because I could never leave anyone in the aftermath of suicide. Not after experiencing the acute and torturous trauma I'd been left with in the wake of the suicide of my twin brother.
So, no matter what, I would keep going. And my bookshelves filled with anything and everything related to addiction and recovery, self-help and inner child work, co-dependency and spirituality, and more. I attended and participated in conferences and workshops, retreats and ceremonies, women's forums and circles.
And I believed that everything in my life was changing. I had worked so hard to sustain my sobriety, to heal my wounded inner child, to try to be the mom my boys needed, to somehow have a healthy marriage, to root into a deeply spiritual path, and to do everything that I was told that I needed to do. I believed that we were a family in recovery, that the cycle was being broken, that I had succeeded in being the break wall standing between my beloved children and the pain and trauma I'd experienced and that of countless generations before me.
I was wrong. This is not what happened.
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| Photo by Molly |
Satia's death has triggered and deepened both my conscious awareness and my grief of what was missing in all those years and all those efforts and all those resources of many years ago. And this growing understanding didn't just begin two weeks ago. I've actually now spent years in skilled, wise, and heart-centered therapy ― and while also engaged with other resources of support, wisdom, and love ― healing from the many aspects of the healing path that I'd been on for so long that had also caused harm to myself and my family.
Yes, there were aspects of the counseling, the 12 Step programs, and other resources that were indeed helpful. That is true. It was all definitely a beginning. It is also true that for years I had been blinded to the deeper trauma which was unknowingly untouched and continuing to be enabled and perpetuated. I couldn't see this and the impact of yet unaddressed fragmentation, disconnection, and disassociation on myself, my children and their father, and others I've known personally and professionally.
The limitations of the resources of healing, of sobriety, of support that I'd had up until that time meant that there remained this estrangement within myself from wholeness. While I was absolutely doing the best that I could, as is true for all of us, I was also continuing to act out of the disconnected hurting parts of myself that had unknowingly remained abandoned. This unclaimed empowerment and underdeveloped relationship with my Self, and with others, perpetuated the legacy burdens I'd inherited. And this despite my sobriety and years of healing work dedicated to "breaking the cycle" of pain and addiction for myself and my precious children.
Which is why it was so shocking, so traumatizing, so beyond painful when each of my sons began to show symptoms of the pain that I had thought we'd left behind. I couldn't believe that this kind of suffering was happening for our children! How could this be when I'd worked so hard and for so many years to be that break wall, to protect and shield our sons from the trauma legacy I'd been blindly handed by my parents and our ancestors?!? It was beyond devastating!
Through all this pain, there were profound lessons to be learned, absorbed, and transformed related to how it is that ancestral and cultural trauma is perpetuated and lives on within us. And how we can truly and effectively intervene.
What I have come to understand deeply today is that it is crazymaking for children to be told that we are a family in recovery all while old ancestral and cultural patterns ― of shame and fear and anger, of silence and unspoken needs and unfelt emotions, of fragmentation and disconnection and disassociation, and of addictions and trauma and grief ― continue to permeate families. Sometimes this is subtle, sometimes blatant. On some level, and beyond my conscious awareness, the old rules of Don't Talk, Don't Trust, Don't Feel, Don't Be had continued on unabated.
We can have blind spots that obstruct our vision and often don't see this happening, or dismiss or minimize it, because these old ways of relating, and not relating and connecting, are so familiar. It's just the way it is, just who I am, just the way it's always been, and I can't do anything about it.
What can be hard to recognize is how these old generational and cultural patterns are the roots of addiction, depression, anxiety, shame, illness, violence, and the many other faces of unaddressed trauma. What can be difficult to realize and know is that healing and transforming generations of harmful and painful patterns is possible. No matter how deep the trauma, we do hold this capacity for transformation.
That said, without receiving the support we most deeply need to heal ― to understand and listen to our different internal parts, to address and transform the burdens of our neglected parts, to develop and strengthen our connection with our Self, and to grow into fully embodied human beings ― we remain vulnerable to:
- addiction
- relapse (whatever our addiction, substance and nonsubstance alike)
- shame
- depression and anxiety
- eating disorders
- OCD and other compulsions
- perfectionism
- migraines, autoimmune diseases, and other illnesses
- affairs and painful and broken relationships
- maintaining secrets rather than risking vulnerability
- patterns of unskillful ways of coping and relating in our relationships
- acting out of the (often very old and younger) hurting parts of ourselves
- a lack of trust and intimacy and authenticity
- the isolation that keeps us feeling alone and unlovable
- continuing to experience and pass on legacy burdens
- having our children show up with symptoms of legacy burdens (addictions, eating disorders, depression and anxiety, painful relationships, etc.)
- the experience of being increasingly haunted and impacted by our repressed parts and patterns and those of our ancestors
- confusing our parts with who we are
- not knowing who we truly are
It is these yet unaddressed layers of wounding and disconnection from ourselves, from others, and from love and wholeness that keeps us stuck. Generation after generation. It is why each of our three sons emerged into adolescence with painful issues larger than anything I thought possible at that time.
It is why their father is drinking himself to death today, and this after 17 years of abstinence during our marriage. Not sobriety, but abstinence. There is a difference. And is it any wonder that upon moving towards divorce that my first husband mocked all those years of counseling and meetings? No, it at not. "What good did all of that counseling do?", he asked. What I realize today is that the deeper roots of what Jim needed had remained untouched. Which breaks my heart. Just breaks my heart. As my heart breaks for all of us who tried so hard to heal ourselves and our children... and yet the pain, the disconnection, the addictions and secrets, the suffering and trauma remained...
There is absolutely no shame or blame here. Certainly all of the resources of support and healing that we sought and connected with over the course of all those early years were doing the best that they knew how to do. And, that said, it is not possible to help support anyone in going any further than we have first gone ourselves. We can't grow into our Self if we are turning for support to others whose relationship with their internal parts is tenuous and limited. Only those who are growing into the wholeness of being a fully embodied human being can help us do the same.
* * * * *
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| Photo by Molly |
A Path of Transforming Obstacles and
Blossoming Into Our Wholeness
The journey of recognizing and transforming the obstacles to healing, health, wholeness, and love is a difficult and courageous one, to say the least. That said, with what I know today, it is also much more accessible and possible to do this profoundly transformational work today than it has ever been before.
It also needs to be illuminated that it is more painful to push away and distant ourselves from the roots of what we struggle with. Unattended pain and disconnection and suffering only grows stronger. And as we age, the cost grows exponentially.
It also takes courage to allow in disillusionment, which is the antidote to the illusions we unknowingly carry. This is especially hard for those like myself who have been highly vested in control, in getting it all figured out, in not risking vulnerability and shying away from humility, and in having the path forward laid out in a way that doesn't really, not truly, threaten the world as we've known it.
My plan, initially, was to get in, get things figured out and under control and healed within a couple years. There were so many times that I thought I'd finally made it! I would get my husband to be sober. Then, oops, and thank the Goddess, that path led me to face my own addictions. So then I had to figure out this business of sobriety myself. But then all the trauma of my young life began demanding attention. And I turned to others for help. Just tell me what to do so I can graduate and move on.
I attached myself to John and Caroline Derrickson. Best counselors in the whole world I thought. And AA and ACOA. And Stephen Beck and other therapists and New Agers and spiritual leaders and teachers. They were all the BEST! The plan was definitely not to have things continue to fall apart. But they did. And I had to face the limitations of the counselors and 12 Step programs and teachings which I had once declared as absolute truth and the only way or the best way... only to again have things come crashing down around me.
These are huge lessons. And today I am profoundly grateful.
There are so many things which I am now empowered to recognize as obstacles to cultivating a strong connection with our Self and the many parts that we hold within us:
- the spiritual bypassing of those like Eckhart Tolle
- the New Age beliefs in such things as manifestation, the underbelly of which is shame
- 12 Step beliefs and narratives which unknowingly foster shame, disempowerment, alienation from the roots of our pain, and separation from our Self
- counselors and therapists who have not done their own deep internal work themselves
- denigrating and judging our painful human emotions as "negative"
- referring to our internal parts as "demons"
- dismissing our egos as something to be transcended
- pathologizing the ways that our hurting and neglected parts act out their pain (through addictions, depression, anxiety, etc.)
- the mantra of just move on, transcend, rise above, be enlightened
- the dismissal of the value of our human stories and the vital lessons and gifts that we can glean from them, very much including the most painful ones
It is hard and a courageous thing to question the status quo of engrained beliefs found in many systems. Just looking at 12 Step programs, when we walk in the door we are told that we will have to wrestle with addiction for the rest of our lives, that addiction is "cunning, baffling, and powerful," and that if we let down our guard we'll relapse. And if we stop going to meetings we will risk relapse. We hear that relapse will not happen if we are working the Steps, working with a sponsor, and regularly going to meetings. At the same time, every meeting holds literature and beliefs highlighting that we have "character defects," that some of us are born incapable of self-honesty, and that who we are is an alcoholic/addict. That is our identity. And we'd better not forget it or we will relapse...
Next month I will have 40 years of sobriety. And I have found none of these things to be true. The larger question, I believe, is found in listening to our different parts and discovering the pain that the addiction has been used to cope with. As we identify the roots of our pain, and learn how to no longer be the neglectful parent to our hurting parts, everything shifts. The addictions, the compulsions, the depression and anxiety, the migraines and autoimmune disorders, the unhealthy relationships and distrust and distance with others, the deep shame and fear and anger, all of this and more becomes gradually transformed over time.
There are even gifts found in our deepest struggles, including our addictions. And as we befriend our different parts and grow our connection with our Self, all the ways that our hurting parts had been acting out or acting in begin to subside and be transformed. Discovering this kind of freedom and grace, opening to compassion and love and beauty, experiencing clarity and truth and meaning, and connecting with our different parts and our Self and with all of life is AMAZING! It feels nothing short of miracle.
This is a whole new way of framing all that it is that we struggle with individually and collectively. It is paradigm shifting. And profoundly transformative. Because, over time, the parts of ourselves, all of ourselves, is seen and listened to and honored and blessed. And we become empowered to let go and transform the old ways of coping that often have their origins in legacy burdens that stretch way beyond ourselves and our parents and deep into countless generations before us and our culture at large.
It can not be overstated how difficult it can be for so many of us to be healthy in our unhealthy culture. Depression and anxiety and addictions and violence and all of the many faces of trauma are epidemic in American culture and beyond. And, that said, there are also more clear transformative pathways and supports available today than there have ever been before. Truly, ever before.
And as I reflect on what my healing journey would look like today, if I were just beginning to seek to address the pain carried deep in my body and soul, I know that everything would look radically different. Radically.
I am especially and profoundly grateful to those in my life today who support me on my journey of growing ever more strongly into the strength and wholeness of my Self. These are the deeply compassionate and wise people who have given me the gifts of not struggling to stay sober ― because the part of myself that is an alcoholic knows that my Self will meet the needs that I once only knew how to cope with through my many addictions. These are the ones who have helped this once incredibly fragmented and addicted and shame and fear-filled human being pull together my different parts and learn how to listen and meet my experiences and needs with compassion, tenderness, and love.
It has now been 20 years since I last suffered from symptoms of fibromyalgia. I am secure in my 40 years of sobriety and have no fear of relapse back to alcohol or cigarettes or other drugs. I am in a loving marriage with my beloved husband. I am blessed with so many loving relationships with family and friends. And my life and experiences today are filled with tools and skills to meet trauma and loss, internal and external supports, purpose and meaning, connection and openheartedness, gratitude and grief, joy and laughter, wonder and awe, beauty and love. This is so radically different from the way I once experienced myself and life to be.
This is largely true because ― as Richard Schwartz so eloquently and wisely speaks and writes of ― with each year of my life I am experiencing more Self leadership. This is a very different way of being in the world from all those many years that my neglected and hurting parts were running the show. But now they are unburdened. Increasingly I am now able to experience the "8 Cs (https://foundationifs.org/images/banners/pdf/The_8_Cs_of_Self_Leadership_Wheel.pdf):
- calmness
- clarity
- curiosity
- compassion
- confidence
- courage
- creativity
- connectedness
Does this imply that I have now simply transcended the struggles, pain, and loss of being human. No. Not at all. It is just that today, and more and more with each year as I grow older, I am free to be my Self and to meet life in healthier and more compassionate and loving ways. Coming from so much trauma and loss and grief, this is a profound and treasured gift.
And this, I believe, is what is possible for us individually and collectively. And what is so needed. We humans can evolve. We can heal and grow into the wholeness and beauty of who we truly are. We can. It is time.
* * * * *
How Internal Family Systems Therapy
Helps Heal Trauma
I am moved to leave us with this short video interview with Richard Schwartz.
This highlights the crucial pieces of what was missing in all my many years of seeking to heal myself and break the cycle of pain and addictions and trauma for our three sons. Through all of my many years of counseling, 12 Step meetings, sobriety and inner child work, conferences and workshops, intensives and circles ― it is IFS (Internal Family Systems) which best illuminates what I needed, what our children and family needed, and what so many others have needed, and yet did not receive. And this was true even given all the years and years of hard work. This is a huge part of what was missing.
And this is the heart of what has made a profound difference for many years now in my life. There is no pathologizing, no shaming in IFS of our struggles, whatever they are. There is instead openness, curiosity, and an ongoing invitation to welcome all the different parts of ourselves into a conversation, into an intimate connection and intimacy and understanding, and ultimately transformation. It is paradigm shifting. And this is true, I believe, for us both as individual human beings and for our species collectively.
Because under it all, under all the flailing about and blind spots and addictions and relapses and repeated patterns that are not helpful, is our Self. Who we truly are. And it is our Self who can step in and end the estrangement, end the abandonment, end being the neglecting parent of our inner parts. And instead we learn how to truly hold and love ourselves ― and others.
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
There are many paths to healing and transformation, wholeness and health, wisdom and truth, courage and compassion, beauty and love. Hopefully, this has touched something that is helpful for you. It is what I would have wanted to share with Satia if she were still here — that I welcome and hold and love and bless all of her. And that I see and honor and bless the beauty of who she truly is...
Bless us all on our journeys,
Molly
💗
* * *
Additional suggested reading
that you may find helpful:
No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma & Restoring
Wholeness With the Internal Family
Systems Model
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind
and Body In the Healing of Trauma
* * *
The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness,
and Healing in a Toxic Culture
* * *
Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and
the Heartbreaking Path of Grief
* * *
The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of
Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief
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