Today I Learned That Someone Died ― And a Few Thoughts On What We Can Do

A photo I took this morning of one of the Kuan Yins in our garden.

Today I learned that someone died. He had been one of the biological fathers on my caseload as a permanency caseworker with the Oregon Department of Human Services Child Welfare. Although it's been over a year since I retired, two months ago I had the great pleasure of attending the adoption ceremony for his children. Neither the biological mother or father of the children were able to make the changes necessary to parent safely. Consequently, and after a very long, painful, and sad struggle to get them back, the parental rights were finally legally terminated. Knowing today that the children are safe and loved and nurtured in their adoptive home has made all the hell of the work getting them there worth it. 

But their father is dead. In another state where he had moved, he'd made threats with a gun and that he had explosives that he was going to use on a government building. After a lengthy standoff, he was shot dead. As it turns out, there were no explosives and the gun was not real. His death was suicide by police.

And I grieve for him. Crazy as he was, and remembering how I felt like I needed to smudge each time I got off the phone with him or had a face to face meeting, I also reflect again and again on the larger picture ― there was no intervention when he was a small vulnerable child growing up with a violent alcoholic mother. His refuge, his only way to cope with the trauma of not being loved and all the abuse and neglect he had experienced, was to disassociate and to ultimately become a severe narcissist. He became like a mini Donald Trump, projecting his self-hatred and thrashing about, wreaking havoc on all those around him. Talk about a living hell on Earth...

It was decades ago that I was told by a counselor that when severely narcissistic people run out of mirrors ― those who mirror and reflect back the reality all narcissists are dependent upon and demand from those in their lives ― "they go fast." They get sick and die, they need to be institutionalized, or they commit suicide. This counselor was talking about my mother. 

The extraordinary miracle is that after my mother attempted suicide, was forcibly hospitalized, and received treatment for her mental illness, she was able to emerge from the nightmare of her narcissistic prison and experience a partial awakening. We also immersed her in love. And at age 87, my mama ― who had been incapable of giving or receiving love ― began to allow love into her heart. WOW!

However, the vast majority who are trapped in their severe narcissistic illness ― something which is so common in American culture ― never experience such profound transformation and Grace. They live out their lives never knowing love. And everyone in proximity to such a starved soul is impacted by their inner torment, trauma, and torture.

There is no greater loss than to be separated from oneself and from Life and Love...

For too many, it is tragically true that there is no intervention. Or the intervention does more harm than good ― like it did with my twin brother, who committed suicide 40 years ago. And when there is no true intervention, we end up with these tragic suicides and all the tragedies that led up to the suicides. We end up with police shootings of young Blacks and with shootings in schools, churches, malls, movie theaters, on our streets, and on and on. We also end up with tents all over our streets, with rampant addiction and poverty, with child abuse and neglect, with sexual abuse and assault and domestic violence. We turn on the news and see everything divided up into left/right, conservative/liberal, Republican/Democrat, black/white, right/wrong. And the polarities spill over into justifying endless war and nationalism and patriotism and demonizing all who aren't on "our side." You're with us or you're not a real American. You're with the terrorists. Or you're a Muslim or Mexican or Black or female or gay. The list goes on...

And we take that step into fear and separation deeper and deeper, justifying closing our hearts and minds to all those Others, even when they are children. Because they're not like us. They're another race or religion, another political persuasion, another stupid asshole idiot who deserves to be hated while at the same time we condemn the haters. And meanwhile the warmongers are warming up to high while they justify putting all road blocks up that would stop or slow down war on other nations and the war on everything ― our educational system and healthcare, on drugs and all those criminals, on clean water and air, on our warming planet, and on dying species, dying refugees, dying addicts, dying immigrants, dying children.

There is so much madness! Sheer madness!

And I come back again and again and again to my heart and yours. Why do some of us get to wake up and some of us never do? Why are some of us resilient and some of us aren't? Why do some of us have to pursue the truth no matter what and some of us just won't go there? Why do some of us die, literally or in our mind-heart connection, while some of us get to root into a path which opens up doorway after doorway after doorway?

I'm grieving right now. I'm grieving for this father who thought his only doorway out of the hell he lived in his whole life was to set himself up to be shot by a SWAT team. I'm grieving my brother who never made it to 27. I'm grieving for my poor mama who suffered so greatly, and caused so much suffering to all those around her, until so late in her life. I'm grieving for those who cannot see any reason why all Americans need and deserve healthcare, or why all children and families need to be provided shelter and safety from harm, or why we need to build bridges and not walls, or why we must stop the warming of our planet, or why war is not the answer. 

I'm grieving for all the suffering and for all who are lost in fear and an impaired capacity to feel empathy and compassion. If we cannot allow space for deep and abiding empathy for ourselves, how is it possible to truly see anyone else? It's not. If we turn away from our own suffering, we will turn away from that of others. I understand this. I've been there.

AND I am so grateful that I can feel! Oh my God, I'm so grateful I get to live with an open heart today! This certainly hasn't always been true. Once I was shut down, disassociated, addicted, asleep, and unknowingly causing my own harm in the world. So I certainly cannot judge those who are doing what I once did. Or at least I am mindful enough today of my triggers that I can intervene on my judgments and choose a different way.

It takes courage to wake up! A lot of it! It takes courage to intervene on ourselves and what is often our relentless judging and commit to a path of No Harm. Yet, once we get how it is that we are all connected, all equal, all matter, all related, we simply cannot go on adding more and more mindless harm to the world. At least this has certainly been my experience. Now that I can actually see and experience and bear witness to my own pain and that of others, the last thing in the world that I want to do is add to that suffering. There is already way too much pain and suffering in the world.

Does this mean that I don't have my moments of anger at someone who cannot see the extreme suffering of mothers trying to save their children and who just believes that these people ― those people ― deserve what is coming to them because they just need to come to America the right way, the legal way. Law and order is the motto. Never mind that the laws are rooted in injustice, cruelty, complete empathic failure, and inflicting horrendous trauma and suffering on other human beings. So do I have some anger in situations like this? Of course I do. And I refuse to stay there.

Because our world needs each and every one of us ― who are able to ― to do our part in intervening on fear. We all can find our ways to intervene daily on the fear that is so rampant today ― the cruelty and anger, ignorance and projections, and hatred and heartlessness ― and instead choose something different. We can become mindful of Oh, there I go again, I'm judging this person to be an asshole again. AND we can stop. 

We can instead choose to tenderly and compassionately feel into what is under our own judging mind. We can feel that fear of our warming planet or the warmongering that is looming stronger and stronger. We can turn that fierce fire in our bellies of outrage that our own children and grandchildren and the children of others are threatened and suffering into passionate-compassionate-nonviolent action. Each and every day we can use our awareness of those who are unknowingly committing so much harm into a relentless commitment to not add more harm to the world ourselves.

We can smile and give a dollar to the homeless person on the corner. We can smile more and more at everyone. We can seek and give needed hugs. We can immerse ourselves in Nature. We can paint and write and create and explore and deepen. We can share what we are learning. We can speak the truth without judgment. We can remember gratitude!  

And each day we can give thanks that we get to be on a path of awakening. We don't have to be unconsciously stuck in our triggers. We can become aware of our triggers and own them! We can nurture mindfulness and grow in our capacity to be kind. And we can give thanks again and again and again for each time that we take that step into greater kindness. 

Truly, what would the world look like if we all shared one basic premise ― that our religion is Kindness?! Just imagine...

We can intervene. The ways are endless! We can intervene! This is something we can do every day. Every day we an root ever more deeply into the intention and the commitment to being the peace our world yearns for. And to do that, we need to remember ― remember what it is that we need to stay conscious in these painful times. Yes, we can read and research and call our elected officials and donate and speak up and more. 

And we can also promise ourselves to feed the real need ― for love, for compassion and humility, for belonging and connection, for beauty and joy and laughter. And gratitude.

Let us remember all this and more because we are on a long journey together. And we need each other. We need outstretched hands and hearts reminding us that no matter how scary-sad these times are, we carry within ourselves a connecting link that is stronger than our fear. In the midst of it all, we carry the Love that does not die. 

Let us remember this. And for those who have suffered injuries to their hearts that have impaired their capacity for love and kindness, let us not add to their injury. Let us use our conscious awareness of the suffering they carry as a blessed reminder that we have choices. And again and again and again, let us remind ourselves and each other that we are here to add to the healing, love, and Light in the beautiful world we share.

Bless us all. No exceptions.

 ― Molly

 
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

War and peace start in the human heart ― 

and whether that heart is open or whether that 

heart closes has global implications.
― Pema Chödrön

Your task is not to seek for love, 

but merely to seek and find all the barriers 

within yourself that you have built against it. 

 ― Rumi

 The more we love, 

the more real we become. 

 ― Stephen Levine