The wisdom and work of Gabor Maté is a gift to us all. I highly recommend his books, speeches, articles. The quotes below are but a glimpse.
And for anyone who believes that they don't experience any addictions, I will quote my wise therapist here: "Addictions fall on a continuum. We all have them. Anyone who doesn't is a Buddha (or Jesus, etc.)."
The same is true for trauma, which also falls on a continuum. Given the pervasive unhealthy and toxic nature of our culture, and what is unfolding worldwide, it is my belief that every human carries trauma. The question is what do we do with it? Do we bury and deny it? Or do we make different choices individually and collectively?
Truly, if we are alive and breathing, there is more inner work, more healing and transforming, more connecting and deeper consciousness to grow into that we all can seek, embrace, and come to increasingly embody. Ultimately, the goal is to come to recognize the obstacles that we have unknowingly built against truth, wisdom, compassion, and love — and to find the support, courage, and commitment that we need to gradually shed what blocks our true nature and the holy wholeness of our sacred being. It is my belief and experience that this is a lifelong process — this journey of awakening.
Gabor Maté is but one among countless other wise, compassionate, and loving souls who shines necessary light on dark places in order that we may know the beauty of who we truly are, expand our capacity for love, and experience a caring connection with all of our earthly relatives. This is the healing, transformation, and awareness that our world yearns for and so deeply needs.
Bless us all. 🙏 Molly
Not
the world, not what’s outside of us, but what we hold inside traps us.
We may not be responsible for the world that created our minds, but we
can take responsibility for the mind with which we create our world.
We may not be responsible for another’s addiction or the life history that preceded it, but many painful situations could be avoided if we recognized that we are responsible for the way we ourselves enter into the interaction. And that, to put it most simply, means dealing with our own stuff.
Couples
choose each other with an unerring instinct for finding the very person
who will exactly match their own level of unconscious anxieties and
mirror their own dysfunctions, and who will trigger for them all their
unresolved emotional pain.
All of the diagnoses that you deal with - depression, anxiety, ADHD, bipolar illness, post traumatic stress disorder, even psychosis, are significantly rooted in trauma. They are manifestations of trauma. Therefore the diagnoses don't explain anything. The problem in the medical world is that we diagnose somebody and we think that is the explanation. He's behaving that way because he is psychotic. She's behaving that way because she has ADHD. Nobody has ADHD, nobody has psychosis - these are processes within the individual. It's not a thing that you have. This is a process that expresses your life experience. It has meaning in every single case.
In the real world there is no nature vs. nurture argument, only an infinitely complex and moment-by-moment interaction between genetic and environmental effects.
We
have seen in study after study that compulsive positive thinkers are
more likely to develop disease and less likely to survive. Genuine
positive thinking — or, more deeply, positive being — empowers us to
know that we have nothing to fear from truth. “Health is not just a
matter of thinking happy thoughts,” writes the molecular researcher
Candace Pert. “Sometimes the biggest impetus to healing can come from
jump-starting the immune system with a burst of long-suppressed anger.”
Anger, or the healthy experience of it, is one of the seven A’s of
healing. Each of the seven A’s addresses one of the embedded visceral
beliefs that predispose to illness and undermine healing.
Boredom, rooted in a fundamental discomfort with the self, is one of the least tolerable mental states.
Shame is the deepest of the “negative emotions,” a feeling we will do almost anything to avoid. Unfortunately, our abiding fear of shame impairs our ability to see reality.
Being
cut off from our own natural self-compassion is one of the greatest
impairments we can suffer. Along with our ability to feel our own pain
go our best hopes for healing, dignity and love. What seems nonadapative
and self-harming in the present was, at some point in our lives, an
adaptation to help us endure what we then had to go through. If people
are addicted to self-soothing behaviours, it's only because in their
formative years they did not receive the soothing they needed. Such
understanding helps delete toxic self-judgment on the past and supports
responsibility for the now. Hence the need for compassionate
self-inquiry.
What we call the personality is often a jumble of genuine traits and adopted coping styles that do not reflect our true self at all but the loss of it.
The difference between passion and addiction is that between a divine spark and a flame that incinerates.
Passion creates, addiction consumes.
The attempt to escape from pain, is what creates more pain.
Not why the addiction but why the pain.
The very essence of the opiate high was expressed by a twenty-seven-year-old sex-trade worker. She had HIV and has since died. “The first time I did heroin,” she said to me, “it felt like a warm, soft hug.” In that phrase she told her life story and summed up the psychological and chemical cravings of all substance-dependent addicts.
At the core of every addiction is an emptiness based in abject fear. The addict dreads and abhors the present moment; she bends feverishly only toward the next time, the moment when her brain, infused with her drug of choice, will briefly experience itself as liberated from the burden of the past and the fear of the future—the two elements that make the present intolerable. Many of us resemble the drug addict in our ineffectual efforts to fill in the spiritual black hole, the void at the center, where we have lost touch with our souls, our spirit—with those sources of meaning and value that are not contingent or fleeting. Our consumerist, acquisition-, action-, and image-mad culture only serves to deepen the hole, leaving us emptier than before. The constant, intrusive, and meaningless mind-whirl that characterizes the way so many of us experience our silent moments is, itself, a form of addiction—and it serves the same purpose.
We see that substance addictions are only one specific form of blind attachment to harmful ways of being, yet we condemn the addict's stubborn refusal to give up something deleterious to his life or to the life of others. Why do we despise, ostracize and punish the drug addict, when as a social collective, we share the same blindness and engage in the same rationalizations?
When I am sharply judgmental of any other person, it's because I sense or see reflected in them some aspect of myself that I don't want to acknowledge.
Learn to read symptoms not only as problems to be overcome but as messages to be heeded.
We think that children act, whereas what they mostly do is react. Parents who realize this acquire a powerful tool. By noticing their own responses to the child, rather than fixating on the child’s responses to them, they free up tremendous energy for growth.
Not all addictions are rooted in abuse or trauma, but I do believe they can all be traced to painful experience. A hurt is at the centre of all addictive behaviours. It is present in the gambler, the Internet addict, the compulsive shopper and the workaholic. The wound may not be as deep and the ache not as excruciating, and it may even be entirely hidden—but it’s there. As we’ll see, the effects of early stress or adverse experiences directly shape both the psychology and the neurobiology of addiction in the brain.
The addict's reliance on the drug to reawaken her dulled feelings is no adolescent caprice. The dullness is itself a consequence of an emotional malfunction not of her making; the internal shutdown of vulnerability. Vulnerability is our susceptibility to be wounded. This fragility is part of our nature and cannot be escaped. The best the brain can do is to shut down conscious awareness of it when pain becomes so vast or unbearable that it threatens our ability to function. The automatic repression of painful emotion is a helpful child's prime defence mechanism and can enable the child to endure trauma otherwise be catastrophic. The unfortunate consequence is a wholesale dulling of emotional awareness.
People jeopardize their lives for the sake of making the moment livable. Nothing sways them from the habit—not illness, not the sacrifice of love and relationship, not the loss of all earthly goods, not the crushing of their dignity, not the fear of dying. The drive is that relentless.
The
greatest damage done by neglect, trauma or emotional loss is not the
immediate pain they inflict but the long-term distortions they induce in
the way a developing child will continue to interpret the world and her
situation in it. All too often these ill-conditioned implicit beliefs
become self-fulfilling prophecies in our lives. We create meanings from
our unconscious interpretation of early events, and then we forge our
present experiences from the meaning we’ve created. Unwittingly, we
write the story of our future from narratives based on the
past...Mindful awareness can bring into consciousness those hidden,
past-based perspectives so that they no longer frame our
worldview.’Choice begins the moment you disidentify from the mind and
its conditioned patterns, the moment you become present…Until you reach
that point, you are unconscious.’ …In present awareness we are liberated
from the past.
Do I live my life according to my own deepest truths, or in order to fulfill someone else’s expectations? How much of what I have believed and done is actually my own and how much has been in service to a self-image I originally created in the belief it was necessary to please my parents?
What seems like a reaction to some present circumstance is, in fact, a reliving of past emotional experience. This subtle but pervasive process in the body, brain, and nervous system has been called implicit memory, as compared to the explicit memory apparatus that recalls events, facts, and circumstances. According to the psychologist and memory researcher Daniel Schacter, implicit memory is active “when people are influenced by past experience without any awareness that they are remembering.… If we are unaware that something is influencing our behavior, there is little we can do to understand or counteract it. The subtle, virtually undetectable nature of implicit memory is one reason it can have powerful effects on our mental lives.” Whenever a person “overreacts”—that is, reacts in a way that seems inappropriately exaggerated to the situation at hand—we can be sure that implicit memory is at work. The reaction is not to the irritant in the present but to some buried hurt in the past. Many of us look back puzzled on some emotional explosion and ask ourselves, “What the heck was that about?” It was about implicit memory; we just didn’t realize it at the time.
A tone of voice or a look in another’s eyes can activate powerful implicit memories. The person experiencing this type of memory may believe that he is just reacting to something in the present, remaining completely in the dark about what the rush of feelings that flood his mind and body really represents. Implicit memory is responsible for much of human behavior, its workings all the more influential because unconscious.
Strong convictions do not necessarily signal a powerful sense of self: very often quite the opposite. Intensely held beliefs may be no more than a person’s unconscious effort to build a sense of self to fill what, underneath, is experienced as a vacuum.
The war mentality represents an unfortunate confluence of ignorance, fear, prejudice, and profit. ... The ignorance exists in its own right and is further perpetuated by government propaganda. The fear is that of ordinary people scared by misinformation but also that of leaders who may know better but are intimidated by the political costs of speaking out on such a heavily moralized and charged issue. The prejudice is evident in the contradiction that some harmful substances (alcohol, tobacco) are legal while others, less harmful in some ways, are contraband. This has less to do with the innate danger of the drugs than with which populations are publicly identified with using the drugs. The white and wealthier the population, the more acceptable is the substance. And profit. If you have fear, prejudice, and ignorance, there will be profit.
Settling for the view that illnesses, mental or physical, are primarily genetic allows us to avoid disturbing questions about the nature of the society in which we live. If “science” enables us to ignore poverty or man-made toxins or a frenetic and stressful social culture as contributors to disease, we can look only to simple answers: pharmacological and biological.
No society can understand itself without looking at its shadow side.
Not
every story has a happy ending, ... but the discoveries of science, the
teachings of the heart, and the revelations of the soul all assure us
that no human being is ever beyond redemption. The possibility of
renewal exists so long as life exists. How to support that possibility
in others and in ourselves is the ultimate question.
When we flee our vulnerability, we lose our full capacity for feeling emotion.
Emotional competence requires the capacity to feel our emotions, so that we are aware when we are experiencing stress; the ability to express our emotions effectively and thereby to assert our needs and to maintain the integrity of our emotional boundaries; the facility to distinguish between psychological reactions that are pertinent to the present situation and those that represent residue from the past.
What we want and demand from the world needs to conform to our present needs, not to unconscious, unsatisfied needs from childhood. If distinctions between past and present blur, we will perceive loss or the threat of loss where none exists; and the awareness of those genuine needs that do require satisfaction, rather than their repression for the sake of gaining the acceptance or approval of others. Stress occurs in the absence of these criteria, and it leads to the disruption of homeostasis. Chronic disruption results in ill health.
In each of the individual histories of illness in this book, one or more aspect of emotional competence was significantly compromised, usually in ways entirely unknown to the person involved. Emotional competence is what we need to develop if we are to protect ourselves from the hidden stresses that create a risk to health, and it is what we need to regain if we are to heal. We need to foster emotional competence in our children, as the best preventive medicine.
The core belief in having to be strong enough, characteristic of many people who develop chronic illness, is a defense. The child who perceives that her parents cannot support her emotionally had better develop an attitude of “I can handle everything myself.” Otherwise, she may feel rejected. One way not to feel rejected is never to ask for help, never to admit “weakness” — to believe that I am strong enough to withstand all my vicissitudes alone.
One cannot get much more vulnerable than to expose oneself psychologically. To share oneself with another and then be misunderstood or rejected is, for many, a risk not worth taking. As a result, this is the rarest of intimacies and the reason so many of us are reluctant to share even with loved ones our deepest concerns and insecurities about ourselves. Yet there is no closeness that can surpass the sense of feeling known and still being liked, accepted, welcomed, invited to exist.
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