My Mom, Our Family, and the Power of Love

Nancy Strong with twins Molly & Johnny, 1953

John, Nancy, & Molly

Nancy & Molly, July 20th, 2013

Nancy with her grandson Brian & his lovely bride (to be) Marita

Nancy with Kevin & Kristin, Molly, and Matt

My twin brother didn't make it. John Ward Strong, Jr. committed suicide on January 30th, 1978. Two years earlier, my gentle and kind father died suddenly at the age of 60. And then there were all the years - over fourteen - in which my mother and I did not see one another. That also meant that Grandma Nan and Brian, Kevin, and Matthew, her only grandsons, also did not see one another. This is only but a glimpse into our family's many losses, unhealed wounds, misunderstandings, tragedies, sorrows, physical deaths and deaths within our hearts.

It is not that any of that does not matter today. It does. It is also true that the larger unfolding picture - the lessons, healing, transformation, wisdom, compassion and love - illuminate what most matters. 

All is impermanent. Again and again life reminds me of this truth, especially as I seek to be ever more mindful, present, aware, open-hearted. And I notice that all dies away, changes, is born, evolves, expands or contracts, dies away, is reborn, comes and goes, ebbs and flows over and over. And I am reminded that all is possible. Even when it appears that there is utterly 100% proof that there is no hope, that all is lost, that only loss prevails - the truth remains that all is impermanent. Including loss and all the stories we so utterly believe about the way things are. Sometimes those stories we tell ourselves cause us to forget that miracles are possible. And that the power of prayer, intention, compassion, kindness, and love can never, ever be underestimated. 

Great sorrow holds great possibility. Over the past 30 years of awakening and healing my broken heart, I have learned that what I do with my sorrow, my wounds, those stories I have invested much belief in makes all the difference in the world. As a result of this powerful intention to awaken, everything has changed and continues to evolve, expand, shift and be transformed. Life is so much more of an amazing trip than anything I experienced on LSD back in 1971. Simply amazing...

Out of my mother's separation and divorce from her fourth husband several months ago, and all the chaotic traumatic events that followed, something new has been born. My mom and I have reconnected after many long and painful years. My sons and their grandmother have been reconnecting. And I am discovering the miracle of how deeply contagious love can be. The transformation I have been witness to as I watch my 87 year old mother gradually open her heart to being loved is... beyond miraculous. I sit here now and weep... We are sharing experiences which I did not in my absolute wildest dreams believe were possible. I was totally convinced that love would always be a one way street between us. I was wrong. Trauma transformed is a force bearing exquisite and priceless and unimagined gifts.

This has not, of course, just been a walk in the park. The work of recognizing, embracing, healing and transforming generational and cultural wounds, and the pain, fear, and losses that we all face in life, this is no small feat. Of course, it takes equal energy to stay asleep as to awaken. So over and over I commit to choosing Life and to continue to expand and deepen my heart. Over the years, I have come to understand today that the path to ever deepening joy, peace, connection, beauty, compassion, courage and love is often found through the doorway of tears, struggle, vulnerability, humility, and our most heart-wrenching experiences. Over and over I have chosen to walk through this doorway. The ongoing blessings and gifts of awakening - of embracing each new "growth opportunity" rather than running in the opposite direction, which I did for my first 30 years - are profound and priceless.

So Mom is here, living just 20 minutes from me in a fabulous assisted living for the past nearly two months. And I have taken leave from my work as a permanency caseworker with DHS Child Welfare so that I can see my mom daily and help her increasingly stabilize. Because there are challenges! In this middle of all these miracles are the dark moments when the flood of all that has been left unattended in my mom's heart for all of her 87 years comes at her like a tsunami and envelops her and blurs her vision so she is unable to see and experience the Love sitting right in front of her... or within her own heart. I get to bring all of my 30 years of healing, all of my 25 years of professional work, all of my heart and soul, all of the love in my heart again and again and again to my mom. The result is that she is having moments when she SEES and she REMEMBERS and she KNOWS. And it is blowing me away, absolutely blowing me away!

The hardest part in the midst of all of this has been this legal struggle I have been in for the past nearly seven months for guardianship of my mom. The ex-stepson from my mother's former marriage has actually been vigorously pursuing my mom for seven years, ever since this third husband died in 2005. The goal has been to push me and Mom's only grandchildren out of her life so he and his family can replace us, with the ultimate goal of benefiting financially upon my mother's death from her estate. For many reasons, my mother has been very vulnerable to the relentless undue influence which has permeated Mom's relationships with this man and his wife. So in the midst of all these unfolding miracles and challenges with my mom has been this fight by this other party to pull my mother back to Michigan. He would then hope to prevail in the trial in couple of months in which one of us will be appointed as permanent guardian and conservator of my mother. I have been certain that I will be appointed, and already two guardian ad litems (in both Michigan this past May, and here in Washington state in July) have recommended that Nancy be with her daughter. Still, the fight has been brutal, with my mother its greatest victim. And the twists and turns have all too often been utterly unbelievable and beyond devastating. We have been wandering in the Twilight Zone!

Yesterday the court here in Vancouver ruled that the decision by the Michigan judge would need to stand because Michigan retains jurisdiction. The latest ruling that went into effect orders that that there is to be a blanket restraining order against me, our family, and everyone I know from having any form of contact with my mother whatsoever. This temporary restraining order is to "help" Nancy comply with the "transition plan" to return to Michigan with the ex-stepson and his wife, and to live there until the trial determines the permanent guardian. This order to be moved to Michigan at this time goes against the recommendations of Mom's guardian ad litem, her therapist, and her primary care physician. The "problem" with the "transition plan" is that my 87 year old mother has refused to be "transitioned." And Washington law ensures that no adult with some capacity can be physically forced to leave an assisted living facility or the state. So Mom has JUST SAID NO, I WON'T GO! She actually knows - even with all of her complex issues - that she does NOT want to walk away from love! Not again. Thus the restraining order to prevent me and everyone I've ever known to have any contact with my mother so she can be deprived of any "undue influence," see "the light," and comply with the plan to move away from her family. Of course, in reality the only thing Mom is being deprived of is Love. And my mom suffers from major depression, dementia/Alzheimer's, and long standing mental health issues. Depriving her of Love is to deprive her of Life.

To add crushing pain to crushing pain came the first call from my mom to me today just prior to 5pm. Of course, I could not answer because of the restraining order. I just held my cell phone in my hand and sobbed wildly. And then came the voicemail message my mother left for me, utterly pleading and crying to please, please, please call her, help her, she needs me!!! Mom was crying and begging for me to talk with her. Sometimes it just feels like the world is ending, it hurts so bad. And sometimes what feels like the end is the dark that comes just before the light.

A phone call with our attorney minutes after my mother's attempted call to me revealed that the Adult Protective Services caseworker now assigned to my mom's case - opened today thanks to calls that came in to APS locally and from around the country! - was present when Mom tried to call me and was nearly in tears herself. Without going into all the details, it also sounds like this case is getting sufficient attention now that the Washington State Attorney General's office is involved and an AAG is reportedly going to be assigned. We are also prepared to go to the media if this torture of my mom (and her family) continues. It has been beyond INSANE to isolate and deprive my 87 year old mother any contact with her own family so someone who has been pursuing her for his own ultimate financial gain upon her death can be the one in charge of her. Just starve her long enough from the love of family and then surely my mother will cave and cooperate with the Michigan court ordered "transition plan". This is as dark as it gets.

But now there is this momentum building and building. There is APS, the Attorney Generals office, my two amazing attorneys here and in Michigan, the guardian ad litems, the ombudsman, the Quarry staff (where Mom lives). And there is the power of all the love and caring, the blessings and support, the prayers and blessings - all of which has made a positive difference beyond my wildest dreams. THANK YOU TO ALL WHO HAVE BEEN PART OF MY MOM'S AND OUR FAMILY'S SUPPORT TEAM!!! It takes a whole village!

And more and more I am believing and remembering my own inner knowing, that it is truth and love that will ultimately prevail. That said, none of us know if we will be here tomorrow. And even if my mom or I were not to be here beyond today, we have been blessed with gifts that no one can ever take from us. We have discovered this love that will not die, and that - despite all appearances - has never died. And this is the love within each and every one of us, it is the beauty of our true nature, it is the Sacred thread that runs through and connects all of life. May we all be blessed with ever growing awakening. May we remember what we have been forgotten.

And may my mom see me tomorrow. To be continued....

Peace, blessings, & love... Molly

Mom/Grandma surrounded by her family