It has now been over four decades since I took my last drink, first attended AA, and identified myself as an alcoholic. In addition, I also participated in Al-Anon and ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and many other resources of support. Through these experiences over the years, and many hard earned and painful lessons, my perceptions and beliefs have changed, deepened, evolved, and expanded. Today this includes how I see the 12 Steps, which are a core part of AA, Al-Anon, and other 12 Step programs. I have come to recognize both its strengths and its limitations — what was helpful and what ultimately did not serve me.
In the early months and years of my sobriety and beginning to root into a path of healing and awakening, I was overcome with shame and fear, generations of absorbed and unhealed grief and trauma, and feelings of powerlessness and disconnect from the deeper wisdom of my heart. At that time, I rarely questioned what I was told within these meetings. Those who had been coming to meetings longer than I had were the "experts." I looked outside of myself for answers and did not trust or fathom that within my being was this greater core Self that was wise, courageous, compassionate, and loving.
To cope with deep pain and loss, beginning at age 15 I sought to numb myself with multiple substance and nonsubstance addictions. And because I was disassociated and instinct impaired, I had a limited and fragile conscious connection with the sacred essence, beauty, strengths, and wisdom within myself and all of life. I was lost in my delusions and pain and trauma.
Even though I worked so hard at image management, the truth is that I felt apart from rather than a part of. And I did not want anyone to see — including myself — what lay inside the deepest recesses of my being. It is very sad for me in this moment as I reflect on how incredibly flawed as a human being that I believed myself to be. I had unknowingly tried so hard for all of those years of my young life to numb and distance myself from the crippling pain of shame, of unattended generational grief and loss, and of the internalized unworthiness and unlovability that my delusions told me were true.
So of course I smoked and drank and cultivated a false sense of self because if anyone ever knew how damaged, unlovable, and full of "defects of character" that I was, surely I would be abandoned. Again and again. And I would be so starved for love that I would end up like my twin brother who gave up and took his own life in 1978. That was the unknown narrative that I buried deep inside and lived by. It just takes a lot to keep all that down...
For many years into sobriety, I continued to live with a defended heart. I continued to be lost in nonsubstance addictions. And I continued to experience only a limited connection with the wholeness of who I most truly am. I did not know that within myself was this core Self that could not be damaged or wounded. For years into my sobriety, I remained lost to much of the beauty of my true nature.
Instead, my beliefs in a deeply flawed and limited self were reinforced by my internalized shame and unworthiness. Much of my deepest trauma lay untouched within myself. Although I couldn't see this at the time, today I recognize that some of the language within the 12 Steps also served to reinforce my delusions and the pain of separation from myself, others, and the sacred within us all. The language of "shortcomings", "defects of character", powerlessness, and that only God — also referred to as "He/Him" — could "restore us to sanity" was not helpful, healing, or empowering. At least this has been my experience.
For many years, I did not recognize that within the 12 Steps were aspects that embodied both light and shadow. As I reflect upon this today I recognize that, of course, how could this be any different? The 12 Steps were originated by white men in the 1930s. So naturally there was patriarchy embedded in the framing of these Steps — something which was coupled with powerlessness, a belief in a deeply flawed inner self, and that we can only be saved by an all powerful male god outside of ourselves. Some may be offended by these words. And some will recognize these truths which shine light on the limitations and shadow side of the 12 Steps.
It is also my belief that it is vital to clearly welcome all religious and spiritual beliefs or none at all. But that is not the message that I heard in the original 12 Steps.
Most important of all in any spiritual path which professes to help us heal is that it is grounded in love and compassion. Those of us who are trying to let go and free ourselves of our addictions need to be held with love. Full stop. Love is always the most powerful medicine and antidote to blame and shame, judgment and fierce inner critics, grief and loss, confusion and delusion, and all the ways that we are drowning in pain and trauma.
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We Are Not Alone
All this said, there were also countless gifts which blessed and empowered me. Early on, when I was experiencing so much shame from the identity I then wore as an "alcoholic," this shame began to dissipate when I first encountered resources, narratives, and wider truths which led me to recognize that I was far from alone. When I read When Society Becomes An Addict in 1988, a new vista of growing awareness began to enter my consciousness. Oh, I am not alone! We all have addictions. Wow! My terminal uniqueness began to dissolve and I got tastes of moving beyond an identity of "alcoholic." I was recognizing that this was just one part of me — only one part! Yes, it was the part that was driving the bus. And I am so much greater than any one part of myself. As are we all.
Over the years, and as I've written in other posts, I have come to define addiction as anything in which there is a pattern of our using as a coping strategy to distract and disconnect us from these deeper painful emotions and experiences that we carry and have buried within ourselves. This includes substance addictions and a whole host of non-substance addictions — to social media, work, exercise, food, sex, shopping, religion, meditation, spiritual bypassing, compulsive cleaning, hoarding, gambling, caretaking, people, pornography, cults, gurus, greed, guns, war, unhealthy relationships, political polarizations, conspiracy theories, image management and perfectionism, anger and chaos, power and control, judgments and dehumanization, mental and emotional states that are dangerous, projections and ideologies of separation rather than connection. And the list goes on.
In essence, it is a pattern of engaging in harmful beliefs and behaviors no matter the suffering and losses — sometimes subtle and unseen and sometimes blatant and obviously devastating — to ourselves and others. There will be reasons why some will say that this doesn't apply to them, that they have no addictions and have no underlying trauma that they've experienced. Some will believe that their alcoholism and drug addiction are their one big problems. And that's it.
What many don't recognize, as was once true for me, is that so often we begin to unknowingly defend our hearts from a very young age, sometimes preverbally. And any time that we abandon our deeper needs, emotions, sense of self in order to preserve a significant attachment, a process begins in which we are abandoning ourselves. A defended heart is not an open heart. And this is what leaves us vulnerable to any kind of addiction. It is simply too painful to not be seen and held and loved in the wholeness of who we are. Only through recognizing this often very old pain and loss can be begin to free ourselves of the patterns we've taken on to protect our defended hearts. And that is when our addictions can begin to lose their hold over us. At least this has been my experience.
In so many infinite ways, we are not alone. And yet it is our sense of separation that causes us to suffer. There are reasons that addictions of all kinds, depression and anxiety, autoimmune diseases and other illnesses, isolation and rugged individualism, abuse and neglect and all forms of violence, and other symptoms of pain and trauma are epidemic in American culture and beyond. Even for those who grew up in healthier families, on a continuum it is my belief that we are all impacted by the imperialist white-supremacist capitalist patriarchy that we are born into. A human being does not need to be physically or sexually abused to experience the ancestral and cultural trauma which permeates our society and our shared world. We live in a hurting world. And a beautiful world.
We humans are simply all connected. It is my experience and belief that the suffering and the joys of others — and whether we know it or not — are also ours. We are all impacted, all in this together, all one great family on spaceship Earth. And, as Thích Nhất Hạnh once wisely said, “We are here to awaken from our illusion of separateness.”
* * * * *
The 12 Steps as written in the Big Book
of Alcoholics Anonymous:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
* * * * *
16-Steps for Discovery and Empowerment*
1. We affirm we have the power to take charge of our lives and stop being dependent on
substances, habits, or other people for our self-esteem and security.
2. We come to believe that God/the Goddess/Universe/Great Spirit/Higher Power awakens
the healing wisdom within us when we open ourselves to that power.
3. We make a decision to become our authentic Selves and trust in the healing power of the
truth.
4. We examine our beliefs, addictions, and dependent behavior in the context of living in a
hierarchical, patriarchal culture.
5. We share with another person and the Universe all those things inside us for which we
feel shame and guilt.
6. We affirm and enjoy our strengths, talents, and creativity, striving not to hide these
qualities to protect others’ egos.
7. We become willing to let go of shame, guilt, and any behavior that keeps us from loving
ourSelves and others.
8. We make a list of people we have harmed and people who have harmed us, and take
steps to clear out negative energy by making amends and sharing our grievances in a
respectful way.
9. We express love and gratitude to others, and increasingly appreciate the wonder of life
and the blessings we do have.
10. We continue to trust our reality and daily affirm that we see what we see, we know what
we know, and we feel what we feel.
11. We promptly acknowledge our mistakes and make amends when appropriate, but we do
not say we are sorry for things we have not done and we do not cover up, analyze, or take
responsibility for the shortcomings of others.
12. We seek out situations, jobs, and people that affirm our intelligence, perceptions, and self worth and avoid situations or people who are hurtful, harmful, or demeaning to us.
13. We take steps to heal our physical bodies, organize our lives, reduce stress, and have
fun.
14. We seek to find our inward calling, and develop the will and wisdom to follow it.
15. We accept the ups and downs of life as natural events that can be used as lessons for
our growth.
16. We grow in awareness that we are interrelated with all living things, and we contribute to
restoring peace and balance on the planet.
From Many Roads, One Journey: Moving Beyond the 12-Steps by Charlotte Davis Kasl
(*I have much more deeply resonated with the 16 Steps and for many years had them framed on a wall in my home. Today I experience that I have integrated these steps in an ongoing way into how I live my life.)
* * * * *
Photo by Molly
We Are Evolving!
There are deep reasons why traditional treatment programs, therapy, 12 Step Programs, and other resources have not been able to empower many human beings to break out of cycles of addiction and trauma and to find true and lasting freedom from their suffering and peace. There is no shame or blame in this. It is simply the way it is.
And, gratefully, we humans are evolving! We are discovering more effective, trauma informed, wise and compassionate methods and modalities, and forms of soulful loving support in which we can be empowered over time to heal, unburden, and transform even the deepest pain and trauma that first drove our addictions and other ways of coping that have caused harm to ourselves and others. And this is the very good news to share!
As Charlotte Kasl wisely has said, there are many roads, one journey. May we each continue to evolve and connect with whatever resources that empower us to bring our exiled parts out of hiding so that we may heal and grow into the greater fullness of sacred being. Our world needs the wisdom, consciousness, and fierce compassion and love rooted in our increasingly awakened, unburdened, and undefended hearts.
Metta Prayer
May all beings be filled with lovingkindness,
be free of suffering, and be happy
and at peace.
***
May you be at peace.
May your heart remain open.
May you know the beauty of your own true nature.
May you be healed.
Bless us all, no exceptions...
💜🙏💜
Molly
* * * * *
Suggested Resources
I’m a Psychologist and Addiction Is Not a Disease:
Towards the end of a most amazing, heart-opening, and wise dharma talk given today at PIMC, Alexa Redner read this poem. Deepest bow of gratitude and love for Alexa and for all beings.🙏💜 Molly
Photo by my son Matthew
i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes
(i who have died am alive again today, and this is the sun’s birthday; this is the birth day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing breathing any—lifted from the no of all nothing—human merely being doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
A beautiful and wise dharma talk given by my longtime therapist, Doug Pullin, who is also one of the guiding teachers at Portland Insight Meditation Center (PIMC), which is our spiritual community. On so many levels, Doug has been among my most beloved teachers who has empowered me to more and more deeply awaken. Blessed be. 🙏💜 Molly
PIMC resident teacher Doug Pullin describes how mindfulness practice offers us the capacity to bring kindness and compassion into a world that is often defined by greed and hatred. He notes that compassion is what naturally occurs when a practitioner fully understands Dukkha and its end.
This talk was offered at Portland Insight Meditation Center in Portland, OR on March 1, 2026.
Learn more about PIMC at https://www.portlandinsight.org. Your generosity enables us to help make insight meditation teachings available to all. Make a donation at https://www.portlandinsight.org/gener....
For over a year now I've been participating in a women's Sangha on Tuesday evenings led by Alexa Redner and held at Portland Insight Meditation Center in Portland. What a gift! Although Ron and I don't make it every week, we are always grateful when we do attend Sunday morning dharma talks at PIMC. And we'll definitely be going this Sunday when Alexa will be the lead teacher. Please know that these dharma talks are also available to everyone everywhere online. I am so profoundly grateful for Alexa Redner and all of my beloved teachers.
This past week I have been obsessed with the 4 astronauts who went to explore the dark side of the moon. Their courage blew my mind. This week I have asked myself, "What do I want to get as close as possible to before I die? What is my version of leaving the Earth's atmosphere to get closer to what I want to understand completely?"
For me, before I die I want to get as close as possible to the awakened mind and heart, so that I can use my life in meaningful ways. The work of freeing the heart from deeply engrained conditioning and roots of suffering sometimes feels as daunting, uncertain and unfathomable as shooting to the moon.
When I watch my fellow humans doing unfathomable feats of courage rooted in wholesome aspiration I get excited. Just look at the power of the human mind. We can go to the moon and back! Our hearts and minds can open even farther and wider than that...
Watching all those youtube videos of the astronauts in the little spaceship together, their love for one another was palpable. They were in it together. And when they looked down at the Earth from the vantage point of space, their message was clear:
"You guys are talking to us because we're in a spaceship really far from Earth, but you're on a spaceship called Earth...In all of this emptiness...you have this oasis, this beautiful place that we get to exist together. This is an opportunity for us to remember where we are, who we are, and that we are the same thing--and that we've got to get through this together."-- Artemis II Astronaut Victor Glover
Sunday, April 19th from 10-12amPT
This weekend I'll be exploring the theme of "Cultivating the Courageous Heart" for the Sunday Meditation and Dharma Talk in-person and online at Portland Insight Meditation Community
So beautifully, wisely, and compassionately said. Deepest gratitude to Cristina Breshears. 🙏💜 Molly
I’ve been sitting with the reaction to that image of Trump depicted as Jesus and the way it seems to have unsettled parts of his religious base in a way so many other things have not.
And I keep coming back to the same quiet question: Why this particular image and not so many others? I’m not asking in anger. Not even in disbelief, exactly. More like… curiosity tinged with grief?
Because I think about the children in detention. The families separated. The people picked up at clinics, at work, during their court appointments, and in the middle of ordinary life.
And I can’t align those violent ICE interactions with “welcome the foreigner.” I read about school lunch funding, SNAP benefits, and food pantry monies being cut, and I can’t reconcile those actions with “feed the hungry.”
How do I make sense of removing healthcare from 1.6 to 1.9 million Americans who’ve already lost Medicaid coverage with “caring for the sick?”
Those are people and not mere abstractions to me. It’s no longer debatable. It just… is. Real people harmed by this administration.
I understand not everyone has had to cross that threshold where something stops being a story and becomes an assault to your soul. And maybe that safe distance some folks have managed to maintain has allowed them to keep from feeling all of this. But this current uproar shows symbols still work over distance and through detachment. How is it we can be moved by a digital image and not by the flesh and blood in our news feeds.
It’s amazing how symbols don’t require proximity. They arrive fully formed. Immediate and undeniable. Symbols act as powerful cognitive tools that transcend physical space and function as immediate, fully formed signals that convey complex meanings without requiring close proximity. They arrive in the mind as ready-made concepts, often triggering instant, undeniable interpretations that bypass slow logical reasoning. An image like this, of a man placing himself in the position of something sacred, it doesn’t need context or explanation. It just smacks hard.
But actual harm is different. Harm travels through distance if we aren't directly impacted. It travels through headlines and counter-headlines. Through numbers that grow so large they begin not to make sense anymore. And somewhere along the way, the most real things (the lives, the bodies, the quiet, human consequences) become the hardest to feel. So often, if we haven’t experienced the harm ourselves or know someone else who has, we don’t relate. We can keep that harm in abstraction.
This is the strange inversion that I’m wrestling with today. That an image can feel more concrete than a person. That a symbol can provoke outrage where suffering does not. Is it easier? Less costly? What do you think of this upside down moment?
And yet… maybe it’s not as strange as it feels. Maybe it’s just human. We respond first to what we can see clearly. To what touches something sacred inside us. To what doesn’t ask us to imagine across distance.
So I find myself wondering (not accusing, just wondering) if something in that image feels to you like it crosses a line… what is that line made of? Reverence? Humility? Truth? A sense that some things should not be claimed or taken or performed?
And if those things matter (and I believe they do) where else might they matter, too? Not just in images. But in actions. In policies. In the way we hold power over other human lives.
I don’t want this to be about catching anyone in contradiction. I think it’s about noticing how we notice. Because maybe the same part of us that recoils at a symbol being disabused is the part that could also recognize harm in an actual person if that humanity were brought close enough to see. And maybe the work — our quiet, slow, human work — is finding ways to close that distance.
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