Holding Loving Space For My Mother

My altar for my mother

Within the last few days Ron, Matt, and I finally completed getting all of what remained of my mother's belongings from her apartment at the Quarry, the assisted living residence where my mom lived prior to being taken back to Michigan on August 7th. The temporary restraining order which had been put in place on August 5th through the Washington court, and in following the dictates of the Michigan court, was not terminated until the court hearing here in Vancouver on August 16th. This TRO did not allow any contact for my 87 year old mother with myself, any of her family, or anyone who knew me. This forced isolation from her loved ones was what was felt necessary to compel my mom to leave the state and return to Michigan with the attorney and other family who are seeking to be my mother's permanent guardians. And, indeed, it just took three days of this isolation and no one to continue to inform my mom of her rights to not leave and to stay here with her family - Michigan court order or not - before my mother came to believe what she was told: that she had no right to stay, she must comply with the court order. And so my mom was, in her words, "whisked away."

With her long-standing mental health issues, her Alzheimer's and dementia, her major depression and a lifetime of unattended losses, my mother has wavered, has gone back and forth and back again, has been sure that she wants to move to the Northwest, to move back to Florida (or even any southern state close to her now former husband), or to move back to Michigan. Of course, the only outcome for any of us who seek to do a geographical in order to grasp after the illusion of the greener grass "over there," is that wherever we go, there we are. We cannot run away from ourselves. And this is again what my mom is experiencing, this intense desire to now return to the Northwest, to somehow leave her unbearable "loneliness" and depression behind. I hold with the deepest compassion this awareness of how my mom so understandably wishes to escape her pain...

There is also this larger picture - one grounded in awareness, lucidity, knowing, and wisdom rather than reactivity and the attachment to finding a path of escape - which my mother experiences when she is in this soulful heart space, and which can be likened to a camera shutter opening and then closing again. The miracle is that it opens at all - this space of connection to her deeper self and the Sacred being that my mother is in her essence, as are we all. When grounded in the wisdom of her true nature, my mother knows. She absolutely and consistently knows where it is that she needs to spend the remaining years of her life - "with my flesh and blood." 

Again and again I am reminded of this miracle of the love that does not die, and the miracle of the power of love. It is clearly Love that has the potential to awaken, and this is even true for those whose hearts have been shielded out of fear and pain for many, many decades...

After two weeks of forced no contact, our hearts are filled with gratitude to again be allowed to talk with Mom/Grandma/Nancy. In every conversation, my mother consistently talks about wanting to return here to the Northwest to live near her family. In part, and certainly not surprisingly, Mom continues to desperately seek relief from the suffering brought on by her lifetime's worth of unattended pain. She so urgently wants there to be a way to move and leave her pain behind. There are times when I just weep for my mom because my heart so emphatically understands her suffering.

At the same time, and much more importantly, there remain these brief flashes of the "wisdom of no escape", as written about by one of my beloved teachers, Pema Chödrön, in which my mother returns to her deeper simple and yet profound wisdom. In this space of knowing, my mother is consistent, unwavering, and clear that her heart's desire and her true need is to be with her "flesh and blood." Again, the miracle is the opening to her heart space which began and deepened over the 2-1/2 months of experiencing the continuous immersion in the love of family. There is no image management, no pretense, no confusing relationships as business transactions, no withholding or conditions to the love freely given to Mom/Grandma/Nancy during her time here.

After over two months of daily contact, there are now 2,000 miles between my mother and myself and her family. I take comfort in the altar I have created to hold loving and prayerful space for my mom. My heart is also touched by the simplest of things, such as the comb and hair brush that was left behind with my mother's hair still in it. None of us knows if we will be here tomorrow. Each day is such a gift. And after 14 years of not seeing one another, each moment and means of connection between my mother and myself and her family is priceless.

The day long trial in Traverse City is scheduled for Monday, September 30th. This court hearing will determine who is to be my mother's permanent guardian. While virtually all of my friends and family who live in the Midwest are many miles from this western side of the state, please know that any of you who wish to make the journey to support my mom and our family in court that day would be very welcome. Most of all, I simply ask for continued prayers for my mother and what is in her highest good. Thank you so very much.
 

Peace & gratitude ~ Molly