Emerging From the Storm: My Mother Is Coming Home

Mom last summer with two out of three grandsons, Kevin and Matt,

granddaughter-in-law Kristin, and myself.

It was the end of November 2012 when I received the call from my mother. I remember it like it was yesterday -- my phone ringing at 5:30pm while sitting at my desk at work and my then 86 year old mother telling me that she and Don, her fourth husband, had a falling out and she would be leaving him. Abruptly, and shortly before Christmas, Mom did leave. Although she wavered about coming here to the Pacific Northwest to be by her family, my mother decided that she would initially go back to Michigan to where she had lived briefly six years earlier following the death of her third husband and prior to reconnecting with Don, who Mom had known from decades earlier when our family and Don's lived in Grosse Pointe, Michigan.

What has followed over the past year has been wave after wave of completely unanticipated miracles and unfathomable nightmares. It has been so much to hold, to integrate, to embrace and come to terms with - all the joys and unimagined gifts that have been interwoven with so much pain, shock, trauma. This has been among the most difficult experiences of my life and of my mother's. It has also been among the most amazing. Today we are emerging from the storm.

Three days ago, on Friday, December 13th, I was appointed my mother's permanent guardian. There will be no trial for guardianship. We settled out of court. The legal agreement between myself and my three sons with the step-son from one of my mother's earlier marriages feels in some ways like we acquiesced to a very premeditated and calculated plan of extortion. My sons and I ultimately felt compelled to sign on the dotted line giving the other party what they have always wanted and felt they deserve, upon her death, of my mother's estate and her personal belongings - including all of her jewelry and furniture and wedding gifts given to my parents and more. If we sign, we can have Mom. If we don't, we risk the court ruling in a trial with my mother's doctor and psychiatrist whose opinions are reportedly that my mother's depression, coupled with her dementia, is severe enough that she should not be moved. Of course, among the incomprehensible tragedies that have happened is the initial judge's ruling to court order that my mother return to Michigan last August - and this ruling was made against the recommendations of my mother's guardian ad litem, her therapist, and her primary care physician here in Vancouver, Washington.

For our family, what has always mattered more than all else is simply allowing my mother to be here and live out the rest of her life with, as Mom refers to us, "my flesh and blood." I have also recognized over the past year that when connected with her wisdom-self that my mom has consistently spoken to her knowing that she is deeply vulnerable and simply needs to be near her family. So, for many reasons, there was no choice but to sign this document that confirmed that the other party will come out of this with nearly half of my mother's total estate, including all of their legal bills paid from the estate. What remains will be divided four ways - upon my mother's death - between myself and the three grandsons. I can't describe how dark it is to have all my mother's things all divided up, and especially now before she has died, and especially also to benefit this other family who has been so predatory of this vulnerable elderly woman. So dark. On our dining room table is an appraisal of Mom's jewelry so we can be sure to have it all insured and returned promptly to the other party when my mother dies. This includes the ring with three large diamonds - one given to my mom by my dad, one that was my grandmother's, and one that was my great-grandmother's. This goes to this step-son when my mother dies. Toxic... It all feels so unfathomable. And toxic.

To put it mildly, the settlement agreement is illuminating. Everything is exposed. And everything makes sense now - why the other party asked the Michigan judge who was appointing me temporary guardian last May for my mother's jewelry to be appraised prior our leaving for Washington with Mom the first time; why the other party lied in order to have me fradulently removed as my mother's temporary guardian just two weeks after Mom arrived here in the Northwest to live by her family; why they forced her back to Michigan in August; why the battle has been so fierce. Again and again and again I hear from a diversity of people  that they have never seen anything like the twists and turns of this case. I've even had several who know the details of this struggle for guardianship of my mother between myself and this former step-son suggest that this is a story that needs to be heard on Dateline or some similar show. What has happened has been so surreal! Perhaps the most shocking has been that there was ever even a chance that we would lose - that Mom would spend the rest of her life in Michigan over 2,000 miles away from what Mom refers to as her "real family." Gratefully the original Michigan judge whose rulings, in collusion with the other party's requests, caused such profound pain and suffering stepped down. If she hadn't, my mother may have never been allowed to return to her family.

Dating back well over a dozen years I have sensed, and then absolutely known, what the intentions were of the other party regarding my mother. I had watched something very similar happen to my grandfather when a much younger woman who was his caretaker wove her way into his life and his heart and subtly and blatantly sought to take the place of his own family. The psychological and ultimately financial victimization was very similar. Now it is so clear that the true reason for lying in order to force my mother's return to Michigan was so that it could be clearly documented that my mother is not competent. Once deemed incompetent, the trust that my mother wrote leaving so much to the other party became irrevocable. The will she wrote last spring disinheriting the other party became void. And the other party gets what really matters to them. With tragic irony, when my mentally ill mother was willing to throw her family under the bus, she was deemed competent. When she attempted to make things right, she become legally incompetent. Meanwhile, what I have known for so many years is clear. As my husband has shared, "Reconciliation  between you and your mother was his (the other party's) worst nightmare." Of course, now that my sons and I have signed the settlement agreement, reconciliation is fine. Under the surface appearance of love of my mother is the depths of the undeniable truth.

I just absolutely cannot fathom causing so much harm to another human being and their family. I cannot fathom it. My heart simply cannot understand the addiction to material stuff. I cannot comprehend allowing greed to trump simple caring, kindness, sensitivity, compassion. And this is exactly what I have to be grateful for - that I cannot comprehend taking advantage of another human being and being so disassociated from the pain I am causing. Then again, there was a time in my life when I was caught up in my own addictions and unknowingly causing harm to myself and others. The enormity of my blind spots was at times breathtaking. And as I have embraced myself and moved into greater honesty, humility, and compassion, I have come to understand that any one of us is capable of violence, cruelty, and causing great pain to ourselves and others. To the degree that we are asleep is the degree that we inevitably add to the pain and suffering in the world. This I have learned through my own deep process of healing and awakening over the past 30 years. As E. E. Cummings has stated, "It takes a lot of courage to grow up and be who we truly are." Amen.

I am aware that healing will not happen overnight for myself and our family. That said, I am increasingly mindful of the gifts that are always buried in our darkest experiences. I recognize the gratitude that is also woven into the rawness of the story that has been unfolding and touching my heart, my mother's, our family's, and so many others. For me, being in such close proximity to the darkness of greed over the past year and longer has only served to crystallize what matters, what truly matters more than all else... There is such an intensity of emotion that is flowing through me right now, ebbing and flowing, waves and more waves of grief, shock, disbelief, joy, tears, humor, tenderness, love, love, love. And more tears, gratitude, Love. Oh my heavens - my mom is coming home!!! For real! AND I don't have to live in the world in a deeply wounded, shut down, lost and harmful way. Not today. Today my heart is open. Today I can love. And that is priceless.

Along with the joy and indescribable gratitude of having my mom coming home, I continue to recognize that it will take time to process all that has happened over the past year. It would have been so profound just to have this healing that has been happening between my mom and me after 14 years of not seeing each other and my losing 99.9% of hope that my mother was capable of opening her heart at all to myself and her grandsons. Personality disorders are serious business. And extraordinarily painful for the person who has this illness... much less their children. It would have been such a HUGE thing to embrace just to have this healing between my mom and our family without all the enormity of pull from this former step-son and his wife to so fiercely fight to take the place of our family in Mom's life - and especially at the end of her life. Adding this dimension of needing to fight so hard to stand so strongly in protection of my mom after a lifetime of not being protected myself by my own mother.... has been quite the experience, simply an indescribable experience.

And this whole nightmarish ordeal has confirmed again and again what really matters. As I lay on my deathbed someday I will not be wanting to take inventory of all the "things" I have accumulated. No doubt, all that will matter is: Did I love well? Did I become myself? Did I awaken as best as I could in this lifetime? The miracle is that I can answer yes, even now, I know I can answer yes. And that is what matters, what truly matters.

That and that on Saturday Ron and I bring Mom home, for good. Blessed be!!  

Peace & blessings ~ Molly
 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥