For John On Our 64th Birthday

 For My Sweet Brother

Had he lived, John would also have turned 64 this past week. Our birthday is always bittersweet as memories arise and I reflect upon experiences of birth and of death. And Life.

We were so young, not yet 27, when my twin died. So much of my passion and fierce compassion, caring, and love arises out of the tragedy of my brother's life and death and our shared experience of growing up with a mother who was not capable of compassion. Not then.

Now these losses have been - and continue to be - transformed with the gift of each precious day. I have often reflected on how delighted my brother and my father would be to see the miraculous peace and love my mother and I share today, delighted to see our family growing, delighted to see so much pain and suffering balanced and transformed by ever expanding experiences of joy and beauty, connection and belonging, compassion and love.

In our lifetimes, each and every one of us has experiences that are profoundly difficult, sad, uprooting, and heartbreaking. We have all had times in which we have struggled with fear and shame, isolation and disconnection, anger and betrayal, confusion and uncertainty, grief and loss. It is said that life gives us 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows. One is not better or worse than the other. This is simply what is. 

What I have discovered on my journey is that the choices I make around great sorrow determine the depths of joy I will experience. Joy and sorrow are not separate but are intimately linked in our hearts.

For the years leading up to my brother's death and for several years afterwards, I shut down, split off, and separated from my heart. Where disassociation can serve a purpose for those of us in unsafe and unloving environments as children, as adults it is a killer. Numbness and the pushing away of our pain also causes us to be strangers to joy, peace, connection, compassion, belonging, love. In our distancing from our inner world, we also become impaired to truly know and be there for the inner world of anyone else. Even our own children. That was the unconsious legacy that was unknowingly passed on generationally to my twin and myself. There is no blame here. It simply is what it is.

Making conscious what we have repressed makes possible a shift in these patterns which may have been carried and passed for countless generations before us. It is so amazing how it is that life's greatest heartaches can make possible life's greatest gifts. Embracing my sweet brother in my heart has broken my heart wide open and cleared space for love. 

John would be so happy. 

Today, both of us live on in my heart and in my commitment to living with integrity and loving-kindness. And as we learn the gifts of the alchemist and cultivate peace in ourselves, we cultivate peace in the world.

With great love and gratitude for my brother and for life ~

Molly

 ❤ ♡ ❤ ❤ ♡ ❤

We are here to awaken from the illusion of our separateness.

- Thích Nhất Hạnh