Opening the door reflects our intention to remove our armor, to take off our mask, to face our fears. It is only to the degree that we become willing to face our own feelings that we can really help others. So we make a commitment that for the rest of our lives, we'll train in freeing ourselves from the tyranny of our own reactivity, our own survival mechanisms, our own propensities to be hooked. The commitment to take care of one another is a vow to awaken so we can help other beings awaken. A vow to awaken so we can alleviate the suffering in the world. A vow to continue on this journey for as long as it takes, even if it's forever. Shantideva captures the essence of this commitment in a verse that's said to be a favorite of the Dalai Lama's:
And now as long as space endures,
As long as there are beings to be found,
May I continue likewise to remain
To drive away the sorrows of the world.
~ Pema Chödrön, Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change
I am moved to share this article out of my awareness of the many doorways we humans can go through in our search for love. Some lead to a depth of insight and healing, expansiveness and growth, empathy and understanding, connection and compassion, awareness and authenticity, wholeness and wisdom, transformation and love. And some do not. As with so much that I post on my blog, I share this article with love and compassion for us all and the deep prayer for the courage and support we each need to increasingly root into the heart path we came here to walk. May we be that brave. May we heal and awaken. May we grow to love that deeply.
Namaste ~ Molly
Polyamory Loves: New Frontier or Relationship Suicide?
Those that believe in polyamory refer to it as the new frontier for love, which I find completely irritating as a marriage expert as I see how this is destructive to marriages. To send a message to a marriage that is in a weak condition, to the troubled marriage that there is an option; to help save them from their pain and the option is polyamory is deeply concerning to me. If a couple that is currently in distress receives the message that utilizing the external (other intimate relationships) as a solution to feeling incomplete to complete, unfulfilled to fulfillment, unsatisfied to satisfied, etc., they are receiving the wrong message. I believe polyamory is relationship suicide!
To be in a committed relationship, the person you allege you want to spend the rest of your life with, but then you decide that is simply not enough for you and for it to be a plan, a way of life to be with others is an outrageous concept, and that concept is the belief of polyamory. I say this is outrageous because to come to the conclusion that we as humans are never quite satisfied, never quite fulfilled, and there is just not enough to eat on our plate so we must order more is a sad commentary of humans. It is interesting how so many have come to the point to say: gosh darn it well, we have to always get what we want right now, we need immediate gratification and must fill every need all of the time because otherwise we do not feel whole – well then golly lets certainly jump on that need and therefore fulfill all needs all the time. (Notice my sarcasm). This notion of polyamory suggests that to go without complete fulfillment is not acceptable, and we must feel fulfilled and since one person cannot do that for another, let us just acknowledge it, and rather than accept or think of healthy ways of working with one’s needs, we must have an additional relationship/relationships.
Upon researching polyamory among many ridiculous points that are made in favor of polyamory, one of them is that it is not just about the sexual relationship. Come on now, who are we kidding here? Ok, agreed, yes, it is not just about the sexual relationship, indeed a poly person gets more then just sex from the relationship, but, yes, but, without the sex it would not be polyamory it would be just friendship!
I specialize in solution focused treatment that has positive effects and true individual and relational growth and enhancement for the short term and long term. I am here to offer the “other side”. Polyamory is not love’s new frontier. It is not the answer. Polyamory is relational suicide! It does not work for most for the long term. When I researched different authors that wrote about how to make polyamory work for couples, I found my eyebrows squashed together as I read about that there are agreed upon “guidelines” for polyamory. I am here to inform that the guidelines typically end up becoming a major problem in relationships. It is those very guidelines that I have seen time and time again that at some point one person in the relationship wants to change the guidelines while the other has a different opinion. This is what I have seen over my 18 years as a marriage therapist. It is in that moment that trust becomes challenged and a slew of other problems occur. I have seen time and time again when the inclusion of another/others in the relationship occurs that the onset of more problems in the relationship eventually surface and that piles on top of what the problems were that never were attended to. Not unlike the marriage where both started out as drinkers and one no longer drinks alcohol and the other does, the impact on the relationship is severe and system wide.
It is my opinion that polyamory is not a solution it is an escape for the person that wants to avoid conflict, is feeling unfilled/has a void and is looking for the external to fulfill it. Yet that void is within so can never be fulfilled fully which is why that person is always seeking for more, needs attention, affection, and reinforcement when they want it. It is this type of person that does not want to commit and give of one’s self fully.
Please continue this article here:http://www.drkarenruskin.com/polyamory-loves-new-frontier-or-relationship-suicide/.
There is so much in our histories, individually and collectively, that remains unresolved and, therefore, keeps manifesting in some form in the present because the past lives on unacknowledged, unhealed, denied, distorted, minimized, projected outward onto others, etc. May we humans increasingly have the courage and wisdom, the compassion and caring to embrace what needs attending to in our individual and collective hearts. Learning the lessens of our ancestors so we can fully move on into greater wholeness in the present is something I pray for and envision. May we awaken. The children of today and those yet unborn are counting on us. Bless us all. Another world is possible.