Our family has recently entered a new level of change and going deeper. It is a huge thing individually and as a family to continue over time to take on the unconscious intergenerational and cultural patterns that cause harm and obstruct our capacity to be vulnerable, to experience belonging, and to open our hearts to love. Certainly this journey has challenged me and has been much larger than I could have imagined when I first began my process of healing and awakening nearly 40 years ago. I couldn't have begun to know both how hard and how amazing this path of heart would be when I first began. WOW.
In uncovering and working with yet another layer of these patterns and committing again to the ongoing process of expanding and evolving individually and as a family, one thing that has come up more than once is the work of Brené Brown — a body of work which absolutely cuts to the core of vulnerability and intimacy, honesty and transparency, connection and belonging, fear and shame, and the ongoing process of freeing ourselves from the shackles of our suffering and empowering us instead to continue to grow into the greater wholeness of who we are.
I'm chuckling in this moment as I think of a quote from my youngest son, who's read Brené Brown's Daring Greatly twice, and who said to our family, "Yea I would recommend Daring Greatly for everyone. That book really had a strong impact on my life. I highlighted so much of that book I might as well have just dipped the whole thing in a bucket of highlighter ink." He cracks me up. And I'm so grateful.
And as we've gone back and forth sharing links, including Brené's TED talks, what comes to me again and again is the sacred value of telling our stories, of risking vulnerability, of owning and transforming shame, of coming out of hiding with ourselves and others and growing in greater and greater authenticity.
Which all brings me to sharing these quotes and TED talks today. Blessings to us all on our journeys of the heart. 💗 Molly
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To love ourselves and support each other in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest single act of daring greatly.
You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.
Vulnerability
is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and
creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and
authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and
more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.
Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.
Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.
We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.
Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.
Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness.
Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.
If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.
Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.
Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.
* * * * *
Shame is an epidemic in our culture.
Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.
Shame needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment.
Empathy is the antidote to shame.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.
Healthy striving is self-focused: "How can I improve?" Perfectionism is other-focused: "What will they think?
Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.
There are too many people today who instead of feeling hurt are acting out their hurt; instead of acknowledging pain, they’re inflicting pain on others. Rather than risking feeling disappointed, they’re choosing to live disappointed. Emotional stoicism is not badassery. Blustery posturing is not badassery. Swagger is not badassery. Perfection is about the furthest thing in the world from badassery.
When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.
Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we're all in this together.
Just because someone isn’t willing or able to love us, it doesn’t mean that we are unlovable.
Worthiness doesn't have prerequisites.
Here's what is truly at the heart of wholeheartedness: Worthy now. Not if, not when, we're worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is.
* * * * *
One
of the greatest barriers to connection is the cultural importance we
place on "going it alone." Somehow we've come to equate success with not
needing anyone. Many of us are willing to extend a helping hand, but
we're very reluctant to reach out for help when we need it ourselves.
It's as if we've divided the world into "those who offer help" and
"those who need help." The truth is that we are both.
Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them — we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
The universe is not short on wake-up calls. We’re just quick to hit the snooze button.
We're a nation hungry for more joy: Because we're starving from a lack of gratitude.
We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.
Numb the dark and you numb the light.
The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It's our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.
When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.
Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They're compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.
If you want to make a difference, the next time you see someone being cruel to another human being, take it personally. Take it personally because it is personal!
We must never tolerate dehumanization—the primary instrument of violence that has been used in every genocide recorded throughout history.
* * * * *
Even to me the issue of "stay small, sweet, quiet, and modest" sounds like an outdated problem, but the truth is that women still run into those demands whenever we find and use our voices.
Daring greatly means the courage to be vulnerable. It means to show up and be seen. To ask for what you need. To talk about how you're feeling. To have the hard conversations.
What we know matters but who we are matters more.
Until we can receive with an open heart, we're never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.
I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.
If we share our shame story with the wrong person, they can easily become one more piece of flying debris in an already dangerous storm.
If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive.
Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.
When we deny our stories, They define us. When we own our stories, we get to write the ending.
You know, and so, I've come to this belief that, if you show me a woman who can sit with a man in real vulnerability, in deep fear, and be with him in it, I will show you a woman who, A, has done her work and, B, does not derive her power from that man. And if you show me a man who can sit with a woman in deep struggle and vulnerability and not try to fix it, but just hear her and be with her and hold space for it, I'll show you a guy who's done his work and a man who doesn't derive his power from controlling and fixing everything.
* * * * *
Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart.
Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor - the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant "To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart." Over time, this definition has changed, and today, we typically associate courage with heroic and brave deeds. But in my opinion, this definition fails to recognize the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who we are and about our experiences -- good and bad. Speaking from our hearts is what I think of as "ordinary courage.
Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: "Who has earned the right to hear my story?" If we have one or two people in our lives who can sit with us and hold space for our shame stories, and love us for our strengths and struggles, we are incredibly lucky. If we have a friend, or small group of friends, or family who embraces our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and power, and fills us with a sense of belonging, we are incredibly lucky.
Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are.
The willingness to show up changes us, It makes us a little braver each time.
Connection is why we're here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The power that connection holds in our lives was confirmed when the main concern about connection emerged as the fear of disconnection; the fear that something we have done or failed to do, something about who we are or where we come from, has made us unlovable and unworthy of connection.
Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion. Practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning and purpose to our lives.
To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees – these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain. But, I’m learning that recognizing and leaning into the discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with joy, gratitude and grace.
True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.
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