Reflections on Courage and Lighting Up Our World

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."

— e.e.cummings

It is not easy to be human. We build defenses against threats to what we are attached to, which very much includes our belief systems and perceptions and emotional worlds. Sometimes we unknowingly erect massive walls around our hearts and minds that are dependent upon our consistent efforts to keep reality and our true needs and feelings at bay. I certainly did this. Because it is not easy to be human.

Then the seeming assaults on my reality began. On February 8th, 1983 at about 8:37pm, my dear friend Ann Baker told me, "Molly, Jim (my first husband) is an alcoholic." (But I didn't know any alcoholics! She has to be wrong!) Over a year later, an early therapist looked me in the eyes and said, "Molly, you're an alcoholic." And before that another counselor had looked straight at me and said, "Molly, well people don't marry sick people." (How dare she!... I was so invested in that my former husband and my mother were the problems in my life!) Another counselor had the audacity to tell me that I was emotionally unavailable! (He didn't realize that it was my husband, not me, who was emotionally unavailable!) And then the counselor at the treatment center where I went for an evaluation asked me, "Molly, what does an alcoholic look like?" And before I could stop myself I blurted out, "Sure as hell not like me!!"  

And there was becoming a mother... Oh, my heavens, my commitment to break the cycle of addiction, trauma, shame, and fear for my three sons led me places I may never have had the courage and commitment to going to had it not been for the fierce mothering force within me that was so utterly determined that they will not suffer as my brother and I had.

Then, years later, 9-11 happened and everything I thought I knew about America was put in question — which led me to the great quest of discovering why we were attacked and flipping so much of what I had been taught was true about our country on its head. After that, several years later and in the midst of what was happening with Obama — after he sat in the White House and was not being the change he promised — there were those who told me that we Americans are a very "propagandized people." And they told me that it wasn't just those damn Republicans who were dangerous and at fault. It was also Obama himself, who they say was in reality part of the same corporate structures that Bush had been part of. (And this after I worked to get Obama elected and so believed in him! And, damn it!, I had thought I could trust Democrats!) And now, most recently, I've come upon — and actually sought out — more and more information on our warming planet and have learned that things are much worse than I had realized. Much, much worse. 

These are just a few of the times out of many which have been life shattering for me and life giving. Each and every time what I believed to be true was challenged with a completely different perspective, I could have said Fuck YOU! and slammed the door shut. I could have gone to and stayed stuck in a place of feeling attacked, not seen and respected, and blamed and shamed. And given all my triggers and insecurities and tendencies to project, it's amazing, truly amazing that I somehow didn't just completely shut out what others were attempting to offer me — which was a much greater experience beyond the one I was conscious of. And even though I could not see or understand what I was hearing, something in me knew that I needed to not shut down, shut out, and shut up.

And that's how it's been since that cold winter's day in February of 1983. Again and again and again I've been offered new doorways to enter. These doorways have led me to both great disillusionment and to the great gift of gradually shedding my illusions for reality, for truth, for healing and evolving, for growing more awake and aware...

In this moment I just stopped and felt the presence of my twin brother, who ended his life in January 1978. Tears...

And I feel the presence of God/Goddess, Grace, and Love.

****** 

"What we call obstacles are really the way the world

and our entire experience teach us where we're stuck."

— Pema Chödrön

I don't know why some of us get to see these doorways, enter, and ultimtely keep going forward while others slam doors shut and will not go there, or will begin and then stop and turn around, or will go only so far and not beyond. I don't know. For me, it's part of the Great Mystery, one I've been so conscious of since the tortured life and death of my twin and how it is that I get to live this extraordinarily blessed life today. 

And I'm so aware that the deep gifts that are part of my daily life and who I am would have always remained out of reach had I not somehow managed to go through each doorway into a vastly different world that was presenting itself to me. Again and again, it meant being brave and supported and resilient and Grace-filled to step through these doorways, no matter how terrified, angry, hurting, or resistant I was. But I went anyway.

And I learned that they were all spot on. Jim is an alcoholic and I am an alcoholic, and nearly everyone I hung with had substance and others addictions. We were all mirrors for each other. And I came to see that my first husband, who I had been so critical of and so sure of what he needed to work on, in reality was shining a bright light on what I needed to face, own, heal, and transform within myself.

Again, the words and wisdom of Pema Chödrön: 

 “If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher." 

And as I mustered the courage, humility, and commitment to continue to follow the threads that were being given to me, the flow of Grace has evolved and deepened in an ongoing way. It is my experience that God/Goddess, Creator/Mystery, Great Spirit, the Universe, and/or whatever we identify as a power greater than ourselves support us, opens doors for us, provides an increase in synchronicity and Grace as we embark on the journey into our Sacred wholeness. 

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"The world is full of pain, uncertainty, and injustice. But in this vulnerable human life, every loss is an opportunity either to shut out the world or to stand up with dignity and let the heart respond."

— Jack Kornfield

My brother never knew this Grace. He remained a stranger to the beauty of his true nature throughout his short lifetime. And many of us are, to one degree or another, strangers to our inner beauty, our potential for love and kindness and compassion, and what our part is in working towards a more just and peaceful world. Of course, we cannot consistently create, nurture, and support outside of ourselves what we are depriving ourselves of inwardly. At least this has certainly been my experience.

And as long as I had remained unconscious of the walls that I had built around my own heart, mind, spirit, and soul, I suffered. And I was lost. And I was stuck in fear and shame and pain and projections. And these defensive walls that I had built kept the experience of a much larger and more beautiful and loving world beyond my grasp. I had no idea that the stories I had absorbed — from my family of origin and our culture, and believed to be true — kept me imprisoned in illusions, fear, and separateness. I had no idea that there are two ways to cope with our suffering, one which increases it and one which ends it. For many years, my trajectory was one of increasing my suffering. I did not know any other way. And this is why I hold such deep compassion for all of us who feel lost, hurting, and separate. I understand in my deepest being what that experience is like.

It is also true that over time, I have been gradually learning to connect more and more dots that were once inaccessible, unseen, and unknown to me. This has been a wondrous, scary, difficult, painful, blessed, and courageous process of lifting veil after veil which has obstructed my vision and the wisdom of my heart and soul. 

This does indeed take a lot of courage. And, once again, Pema Chödrön illuminates this when she wisely states, "To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest." To move outside of our comfort zones, to explore uncharted and unfamiliar territory, to be open to surrendering and gradually letting go of old beliefs — even the painful ones which cause harm to ourselves and others — is incredibly courageous. 

I love Clarissa Pinkola Estés, who has also been among my many treasured teachers. Decades ago I read these words in her incredibly soulful Women Who Run With the Wolves:  
“All the 'not readies,' all the 'I need time,' are understandable, but only for a short while. The truth is that there is never a 'completely ready,' there is never a really 'right time.' As with any descent to the unconscious, there comes a time when one simply hopes for the best, pinches one's nose, and jumps into the abyss. If this were not so, we would not have needed to create the words heroine, hero, or courage.”

 

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 "Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without 

courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently."

— Maya Angelou

It is both painful, amazing, and an incredible gift to be human. Mary Oliver asks us what we will do with this one precious life we've been given? My experience has been that we humans are asked, as best as we can, to embrace the courage to open our hearts. 

Rumi wisely speaks to this when he reflects:

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

Of course, for the vast majority of us, this is not easy. Personally, and until I began to allow my heart to break open — and to break open again and again rather than shut down — I had no idea that I had been so disconnected from my own heart and then inevitably from the hearts of others. Doing the work of healing and seeing and going deeper into the layers of illusions I had mistaken for reality and truth has been and continues to be profoundly life changing. 

For my first many years, the world had appeared to me through a black and white lens — this or that, us vs them, good vs bad. I had absorbed the narratives, fears, and belief systems of my once severely narcissistic mother and our unhealthy culture. And with that came my injured instincts, many triggers and trauma, and my compromised capacity for discernment, empathy, integrity, humility, and healthy coping tools. In the beginning, and as I thawed out more and more, I also recognized that I had had no idea just how much fear had driven my life. 

This scary and limited world has been shifting and changing for some time now. More and more I am able to recognize when I am stuck, when I am fearful and let go of my fears or not let my fears be what drives me. I no longer feel as reactive and judging and critical as I once was, and my circle of caring is also continuously expanding and increasingly includes more and more of life on Earth. And I'm able to be more of the kind, compassionate, and caring human being that I believe most of us strive for and want to embody.

Courage truly is the most important of all virtues because without courage we simply can't practice any other virtue consistently.

****** 

Photo by Molly

"The more we love, the more real we become."

— Stephen Levine

Along the way, I've come to recognize how much courage it takes to love. In an ongoing and evolving way, loving requires vulnerability and the capacity to recognize, embrace, heal, and transform the obstacles that we carry individually and collectively against love.

I know through my own personal journey, and being witness to countless others both personally and professionally, that we can heal and transform what has held us back and caused harm to ourselves and others. We can move along the continuum of asleep on the one end and enlightened on the other — embracing more and more of our greater wholeness and capacity for courage, wisdom, and love. 

We can grow in mindfulness and understanding of our triggers, of our limitations and illusions, and of our amazing potential as evolving and awakening beings. We do this by refusing to return hate with hate, by moving beyond black/white thinking and opening to nuance and complexity, and by exploring with increasing depth what is true and what is not. We also do this by choosing our teachers wisely, and by intervening on our judging minds, taking a step back, breathing, and often grieving. Because our fears and our anger are often both justified and also covers for the deep sadness that we are carrying in our hearts. And these times are awash in horrors and heartbreaks. It is painful to be conscious. And we need each other.

And the more we love, the more real we become... and generous and kind, compassionate and tender, and committed to truth and to the healing and awakening of ourselves and our world.

"Don't you know yet?

It is your Light that lights the world." 

— Rumi 

May we all light up the world,

Molly