The quotes that I am sharing below from Eleanor Payson are potentially a gift to us all, both individually and collectively, and even more so in these times.
Over 20 ago, a friend who knew that I was struggling with a mother who was severely narcissistic recommended the book The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping With the One-Way Relationship In Work, Love, and Family (https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837). And I am forever grateful. Hands down, this is the best book that I've ever read on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). And it is among the many gifts that I have found so helpful on my healing journey.
The icing on the cake was writing Eleanor all those many years ago and hearing back from her. And that is when I discovered that we also share so much in common. This includes being the same age, growing up swimming in the same lake in Michigan and having grandparents who lived on that lake, at different times living on the exact same street in Grosse Pointe, Michigan, and more. And now I consider Ellie to be a treasured friend and never miss meeting with her and her husband when Ron and I return to Michigan — which we just recently did.
I share these glimpses into The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists because it is my belief that we all are impacted by trauma, and this includes the prevalence of narcissism within our culture and beyond. I personally don't believe that anyone is untouched.
That said, my experience has also been that the greater our understanding of trauma, which very much so includes narcissism and its roots, the greater our capacity to cope in healthier ways with what we have experienced and absorbed into our bodies and with what we witness in our families, relationships, workplace, communities, politics, and nation.
Today, chillingly, this includes the threat of a malignant narcissist once again occupying the Oval Office. It is also true that what we are facing is much larger than this one man alone. Which again brings us back to empowering ourselves with deeper and deeper understanding and knowledge and how it is that both little t trauma and Big T trauma are impacting us, those we love and care about, and all of our planetary sisters and brothers.
I've long been aware that half the solution is first recognizing the problem.
It is also my experience that this deepening awareness grows our capacity for compassion and responding to the many experiences and needs of ourselves and our times with healthy boundaries, expanding consciousness, skillfulness, and grace.
Imagine for a moment that you do not experience yourself as a "self." From this perspective, you can understand the difficulty the NPD person has in recognizing the unique and separate existence of another "self," or person. In a sense, the narcissist views others and the world around him as an extension of himself, perhaps as you might view your arm or leg. Because the narcissist can only understand others by absorbing them into his own experience of self, he determines that others should behave and act the way that HE behaves and acts. Again, to use the analogy of the arm and leg, he unconsciously expects you to conform to his will, just as his own arm or leg would do. When your behavior deviates from his expectations, he often becomes as upset with you as he would be if his arm or leg were no longer under his control.
The overall definition of someone with a narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by a combination of severe limitations in understanding other people and their feelings, as well as an excessive pursuit of what are called narcissistic supplies, such as admiration, attention, status, understanding, support, money, power, control, or perfection in some form. While all of us need these supplies in adequate amounts to feel a sense of well being, the narcissist pursues them with an unrelenting desperation and a keen ability to manipulate others. Meanwhile the outer persona of the NPD individual is generally one of confidence and control, alongside a smooth or charming demeanor. As your involvement with the narcissist develops you will notice that the relationship increasingly becomes one-way with you in the primary giving position.
The common feelings that will begin to emerge for you are; frustration, confusion, fear of confrontation, exhaustion, uncertainty of where you stand with him or her, inadequacy, neglect, disempowerment, loneliness, alienation from family and friends.
The general rules of reciprocity are not working with the NPD person. The relationship begins to operate more and more on his terms as if these are the only terms.
The impact on the codependent in a relationship with the NPD person is much like Dorothy's journey through Oz. As Dorothy believes that the Wizard is the only one who can help her, she tries harder and harder to please him. Similarly, your involvement with the NPD individual is characterized by an ever-increasing effort to please and gain approval. However, like the Wizard, the narcissist's approval is rarely given. Instead, you are more likely to see the unpredictable anger and rage over the smallest infraction or mistake. Great sensitivity to criticism, or intolerance of anything perceived as less than a perfect performance, can cause the NPD individual to unleash an outburst of sharp and hurtful rage. At times these experiences leave you feeling helpless, unable to do anything but crawl off to a corner to figure out what happened.
Over time, these behaviors insidiously lower your self-esteem and set you on a path of consistent and increasing self-doubt. The sheer intensity of the narcissist causes you to wonder what transgressions you committed to provoke such an outpouring of anger, disdain, or criticism. Sometimes a cold, unmoving stare from him communicates a chilling absence of all human feeling and a reflexive desire to run for cover. As your self-esteem withers and your confidence in knowing your reality diminishes, you gradually concede more power and control to the NPD person.
One helpful approach to identify whether or not the person you are involved with has a narcissistic personality disorder is to reflect on your own feelings. So, as a start, I offer you a list of questions that will assist you in detecting this problem in a particular relationship.
1. Do you frequently feel as if you exist to listen to or admire his or her special talents and sensitivities?
2. Do you frequently feel hurt or annoyed that you do not get your turn and, if you do, the interest and quality of attention is significantly less than the kind of attention you give?
3. Do you sense an intense degree of pride in this person or feel reluctant to offer your opinions when you know they will differ from his or hers?
4. Do you often feel that the quality of your whole interaction will depend upon the kind of mood he or she is in?
5. Do you feel controlled by this person
6. Are you afraid of upsetting him or her for fear of being cut off or retaliated against?
7. Do you have difficulty saying no?
8. Are you exhausted from the kind of energy drain or worry that this relationship causes you?”
Unhealthy narcissism is occurring when an individual excessively pursues admiration, attention, status, understanding, support, money, power, control, or perfection in some form. It also means that the NPD person is not able to recognize, other than superficially, the feelings and needs of others. The rules of reciprocity are not operating in the relationship. This is not to say that NPD individuals don't often shower others with attention, gifts, or favors. Indeed, they often do. But the ultimate goal is always for some kind of return. The giving may be to foster a certain image or an overall feeling of indebtedness in you, such as an IOU note to be called in at some other time. You, of course, would rather believe you received the gift because you are cared for and valued.
We all have some of what may be termed narcissistic needs, such as the need to be valued, admired, understood, or simply recognized as a unique person. During painful periods, we become much more narcissistic, or self-centered, and our demands for attention, mirroring, validation, etc. increase. However, when we feel better, we generally return to a baseline ability to reciprocate in our relationships. Instead of only taking, we give-and-take by listening, understanding, validating, and supporting others.
For NPD individuals, however, they feel endlessly entitled to special consideration and attention. The narcissist somehow never moves past the unique circumstance that requires you to put yourself aside and realize that what's happening for him is more special, more upsetting, or more wonderful. Eventually, you realize that you and your needs are on indefinite hold.
You may remember that the narcissist essentially experiences and understands others as if they were an extension of his own self. He, therefore, feels entitled to what you have.
The narcissist has learned that other people do not always do his bidding or meet his demands in the way that he expects. He has, therefore, developed formidable manipulation skills, at times deceitfully, to achieve his goals. Sometimes these skills are a highly developed ability to charm and bring others under his spell or influence.
By contrast, the individual with a character disorder lacks the ability to recognize that he has a problem and, if confronted with this possibility, would not consider himself responsible in the matter. Essentially, the only difficulties or pain the NPD person will be conscious of are those negative consequences that his behaviors bring about, especially in his relationships. Regardless of his culpability, the NPD person will blame everyone else or the circumstances of his life rather than acknowledge that he has a significant problem.
The higher functioning NPD individual will have a rigid sense of right and wrong, which tends to be black and white, or concrete. She will often be extremely judgmental of others and harsh in her opinion of the necessary punishments for wrongdoing.
The lower functioning NPD individual (in closer proximity to the sociopath on the continuum) will be prone to constantly bending the rules for himself although outwardly he may criticize others for a similar infraction or transgression.
The severity and intensity of this disorder comes from the NPD individual's desperate pursuit to gain a sense of self. He consciously understands none of this, yet his inner need to feel worthwhile causes him to manipulate people in order to maintain an endless supply of attention, control, status, money, power, or recognition. This single-minded purpose covers the almost malignant anxiety and emptiness he feels. Totally unaware of his inner problems, he looks to the world for fulfillment, relentlessly driving himself and others to meet his grandiose expectations.
Above all is the NPD person's need for control, particularly in close relationships.
Although not conscious, everyone senses the potent sensitivity or volatility under the surface in the NPD individual.
The NPD person's increasing dissatisfaction with you just as you are risking significant emotional investment can be painful and baffling. You may find yourself asking, "What happened to the love we shared? How could he claim to love me so deeply and be so cruel?" Your concern and uneasiness around questions like these are important signals that alert you to the potential of a serious narcissistic dynamic in the person you love.
Your own sensitivity or unwillingness to hurt her feelings will certainly play a role in keeping you hostage to these manipulations.
You may feel obligated to keep a low profile in an attempt to establish some sense of harmony. Unfortunately, at the same time, you may also be giving up opportunities to express your opinions and assert your needs.
The truth is that almost anyone will be pulled into care taking behaviors when interacting with the NPD person.
The NPD person's complete self-absorption results in an insidious tendency to devalue those within his or her sphere of influence, either subtly with condescension, or openly with criticism. The inevitable impact on the individual in a relationship with an NPD person is a dangerous erosion of self-esteem.
The difficulty recognizing this problem early in your relationship with him is due to the fact that the deeper issues of narcissism can exist behind many different personas. A covert type of NPD person may appear shy, with a quiet authority. You, therefore, assume this individual has a quality of humility and expect that he will be sensitive to your feelings.
Your confusion and self-doubt are important warning signals that you may be encountering someone who has a narcissistic personality disorder.
The word narcissism in its most fundamental sense means a tendency to self-worship. For the narcissist, his excessive self-absorption is a protection against unconscious but powerful feelings of inadequacy. Seduced by the narcissist's camouflage of outer charm or confidence, you are eventually drawn into the nightmare side of this relationship. By the time you realize that something is wrong, the cumulative effects can range from bruised self-esteem to severe depression.
Dorothy's journey through Oz is a remarkable metaphor for the seduction into the narcissist's illusory world and the healing process that ultimately must occur. Dorothy believes that the Wizard is the only one who has the power to help her, and she embarks on one elaborate adventure after another to find favor and win his approval. Yet, the moment she sees past the larger-than-life image of Oz to the vulnerable little man behind the curtain, she begins to claim her own inner resources and power.
This process involves three distinct phases: awareness, emotional healing, and empowerment. Yet, regardless of the type of relationship, the process is always one of reclaiming yourself.
| https://eleanorpayson.com/ |
https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837
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| Tom, Ellie, Ron and myself in Michigan, August 11th, 2024 |
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