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| Photo by Molly |
Yesterday afternoon I wasn't far from our Vancouver home and heading out to do errands when I noticed a man standing at the end of the 39th Street freeway exit off of I5. I was only able to have a brief glimpse of what appeared to be an older man walking slowly and carrying a sign. My heart was sad...
It was less than an hour later when I made a point of returning home by way of the 39th Street exit. I wanted to see if the man was still there. He was. And my heart was both grateful and sad. I immediately grabbed one of the granola bars and dollar bills that I always keep handy in my car. As I rolled down my window and grew closer to this human being, I kept the granola bar but swapped out the $1 for a $5 bill. And as I motioned to him, I watched this man in his 60s or 70s get up off his walker and walk slowly towards me using a cane.
The light at this exit takes longer when red. More gratitude. Because now I could see that we could make a connection. Our faces both lit up as we smiled at one another. "Hi, my name is Molly. What's your name?" This man ― who was maybe my age ― responded warmly and with an accent, "Ibrahim." We both gazed into each other's eyes, expressing gratitude for meeting and wishing each other well. It was a happy-sad moment of connection, compassion, caring, and of sharing together our humanness.
It did not matter what this man's age was, what his sign said, what he looked like, that he was Arabic or whatever his ethnicity. What mattered was kindness. Kindness matters. Kindness, connection, and the warmth of our smiles and in our eyes. This is what can make a difference.
* * * * *
What kindness looks like for me has evolved over time and will hopefully continue to expand over my lifetime. I now reflect on just this one example: how I respond, or didn't respond, to people standing on corners with their little signs. There are many in the Portland/Vancouver area and countless streams of tents lining our streets and freeways. And the numbers just keep growing.
There was a time when I was numb. And scared. And not wanting to look in the face of poverty and desperation, of pain and shame and addiction, and of this and other symptoms of our incredibly unjust and inhumane culture. So I turned away. Anyone on a street corner was invisible to me. I didn't see them. I wouldn't see them.
And this is where intentions, prayers, healing and opening our hearts can make all the difference. Everything becomes fluid, changing, evolving. Of course, I thought of myself as a kind person. Yet, just how kind was I? And what does kindness in practice look like?
As I came more into my body and my heart grew stronger, I began to not turn away. I couldn't just turn away. And I tentatively began handing out a dollar bill to those I would assess were okay for me to help out in some small way. It wasn't everyone. It was just those I deemed somehow more worthy of support. Or who didn't scare me.
Over time, I continued to notice ― and to increasingly really see ― the human beings on these street corners. Judgments and fears slipped away as the eyes of my heart opened. And numbness came to be replaced with compassion and with the clear awareness that this person before me has trauma. They are suffering. And they matter. We all matter.
Today I go out of my way to extend my arm out my car window and connect with every hand that I can reach, no exceptions. And one day a lightbulb went on and I realized that, oh!, I can give a granola bar along with a $1 or $5 bill. Most recently, it also came to me that I can add on to that ― I can, when possible, offer my name and ask theirs. And I can do that along with the $$ and granola bars, the eye contact and "bless you," the brief exchanges and smiles.
That said, there are many who will not look up and I know do not want to exchange names and even just small talk. The shame and untreated addictions and mental health and trauma are too great. And often the light I'm coming to has also already turned green, there are cars behind me, and it's all I can do to simply and quickly hand out the granola bar wrapped in a dollar bill along with a "bless you!"
There is so much pain in our world. And, for some of us, pain and trauma is healed and transformed into a passion for seeing and for living wholeheartedly with compassion, connection, caring, kindness, and love.
I don't personally know how anyone can be awake and aware of the suffering that is all around us and within us without taking some form of action, no matter how small to alleviate that pain. And, of course, there are a million different ways that that can look like for each of us. My experiences shared here are but one.
* * * * *
No doubt, most of us like to think of ourselves as kind people. The question for me that has become more and more important is what does kindness in action look like? Who is included and who is excluded from within our circle of caring?
I ask these questions because I don't think that it is easy to be kind, not really. There are these yes buts, the othering, the turning away, the asterisks after "those people" who we deem unworthy of compassion or any depth of understanding. Our judging minds can wreak such havoc on kindness, no matter how well intentioned we may be.
At least this has certainly been true for me. And for many, many years I had no idea just how empathically impaired I was. None.
I am aware of this sadness that is arising now. I am remembering how lost I was to any real depth or consistent experience of understanding, empathy, compassion, love. And the strength in my heart today to feel this sadness empowers me to connect with kindness and compassion with others who are lost, as I certainly once was.
I didn't used to like myself very much. I covered that over with my look good and image management, with disassociation and distractions and a variety of addictions, and with a carefully protected and defended heart ― a heart that had never known what it felt like to be truly safe, vulnerable, trusting, authentic, open, undefended.
It is hard to lessen the gap between ourselves and others if there is a gap we live with that keeps us strangers to the fullness of our hearts and who we most wholly are. Inner disconnection fuels outer disconnection. And I see a lot of this ― that to the degree that we hold ourselves with harsh judgments is the degree that those judgments will also inevitably be projected out into the world.
I research, write, and share a lot about trauma. This is critically important to me because what I have come to recognize today is that we all have it. In one form or another, to one degree or another, we all have absorbed ancestral, racial, cultural trauma. It isn't just the homeless person on the street who we shy away from really seeing. It's all of us.
And, at least for me, this is the humbling, connecting consciousness that makes everyone matter. And once our hearts break open to the truth of our profound interconnection with all of life, then everyone matters. And our circles of caring expand and evolve and grow in an ongoing way.
It is so amazing to have the fog we've lived in and known as reality lift. And as everything and everyone grows more clear, as our hearts strengthen and deepen, then we have to do something. It isn't just ourselves and our loved ones who are worthy of compassion, understanding, caring. We all are.
That said, do we turn away from, minimize, or give a pass to the monstrous things that humans are doing to themselves, each other, other beings, and the Earth? No. Not at all. But rather than projecting more hatred, more damning judgments, more bitterness and resentments, we can meet the many forms of violence which pervade our nation and the planet with the skills that hold the potential for helping and healing rather than adding to the harm.
There is obviously no one size fits all for what kindness in action looks like for each of us. Hopefully, it is a lifelong process of growing in kindness, compassion, and love that we are increasingly grounded in and committed to. And hopefully more and more of us will meet these incredibly challenging times with a commitment to doing our part, whatever that looks like, to help alleviate our suffering and that of our fellow sisters and brothers here on Earth.
And hopefully we can open our hearts to loving ourselves. Love is the strongest medicine. And one that is so needed within us, our families and communities, our nation and beyond, and to include all of life on this precious, beautiful planet Earth that we share.
💗🙏💗
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