Some Reflections on Narcissism

This is tragically spot on. From my mother to Donald Trump, this illness is far more devastating, dangerous, and pervasive than many may know.

I was told by a therapist 2 years after my father’s sudden death, and 2 months before my twin brother’s suicide, that I would need to grieve my mother like a death. That was November 1977.

Narcissism does indeed destroy the capacity to love, to experience empathy and compassion, and to see anyone else for who they are rather than as a required source of narcissist supplies. And if the narcissistic mirroring isn’t provided, the rejection is brutal.

Miracles are rare, but they do happen. I’d thought that the person my mother was under her severe narcissistic illness was forever gone, and I had spent decades working to cultivate strong protective boundaries and to grieve and come to terms with the loss of not having a mother who was capable of love. But I was wrong about my mom.

Following a suicide attempt as my mother’s 4th marriage was ending, her forced psychiatric hospitalization, and her ultimate move to live by her family here in the Pacific Northwest, the impossible became possible. Three things occurred: medications including antipsychotic meds, just enough memory loss to forget what she could not have bared to remember, and — most importantly — the deep immersion in the love of family.

And at age 87 my mother began her partial awakening. Over the last seven years of her life, and with the opening of her heart, the human being under the illness emerged. And I got to have a mother. And my mother got to have a daughter and grandchildren and great-grandchildren and more.

Initially the deep transformation began with all the self-loathing surfacing that had always lurked under her narcissism. What had been projected onto others was now being experienced by my mother as wanting to die, as hating herself, in beliefs in unworthiness and unlovability, and feeling the deep shame of believing herself to be fatally flawed. And with each time that my mom expressed that she was just trouble, I was able to tell her that she’s not trouble to me, but that she’s my treasure. And my mom’s face would soften and she’d smile and look into my eyes.

My mama was absorbing love, the love that she’d pushed away and had been starving for for her entire lifetime. What happened was that I was able to serve as midwife to the birthing of my second mom. I’d had two mothers. There was the first one who was devastatingly brutal and cruel. And now there was this second mom, the one who miraculously was able to open her hearts to love beginning at age 87 and lasting until her death at 94 this past June.

This second mom was the one who ended up gazing into my eyes and telling me, “I love you with all my heart.”

These kinds of miracles are rare. But they do happen. The breathtaking power of love and grace can never be overstated.

And hidden under the incredible darkness of the narcissist lives a human being who long ago walled up their heart in order to survive the extreme torment and shame of not believing themselves to be lovable. The tragedy is then compounded many times over when that self-loathing is compulsively projected outward onto everyone around them.

So many lost souls. So many ... And upon rare occasion, a very few are able to break free from the torture of their narcissistic prison and awaken. My mom was among those so profoundly blessed. Deepest gratitude.

 

Blessings to all who've endured injuries from having lived in proximity to a narcissist. It is among the most difficult experiences to recover from and transform. Yet it is possible to gain the strength, courage, wisdom, and support to ultimately use our painful trauma to enliven our passion for compassion and love. If we can, all will not have been in vain.

 

With deep blessings to us all,

 💗

Molly