My mom & me the last time we saw each other in Michigan, 10/29/13
The quote below by Rachel Naomi Remen - an author, doctor, and human being I have deeply resonated with, respected, and appreciated for many years - is especially illuminating in the wake of what is happening to my mother at this time in Michigan. This currently includes times of forced cutoffs of any communication between my mother and myself. It is my sense that her providers are trying to "fix" her, to stop the suicidal ideation that has been something my mom has engaged in off and on since one month after my twin's suicide in 1978, to stop the relentless talk of wanting to be here with her family in the Pacific Northwest, to subdue and bring Nancy back to the seeming "progress" she had been making before she stopped "tiptoeing through the tulips." This is the phrase my mother refers to when she believes she needs to shut up, shut down, and shut out what her reality is with others. My mother has lived a lifetime under the don't talk, don't trust, don't feel, don't be rules she learned from infancy onward. Now that she has been trying - often very unskillfully - to break those rules and that things have been getting really messy again, there are those whose reactions I believe are causing much more harm than good for my mom and for those of us who love her.
Just a few days ago when we were allowed to talk by phone, my mom told me, "Well, you're the only one I tell my feelings to." Obviously this is not always true. What does appear crystal clear is that my response to my mother's distress is different from that of those surrounding her in Michigan. The last thing in the world that I would ever want to do is try to "fix" what is so hurting within her. And nor would I want to deny that even in the midst of all this messiness - the major depression, memory loss, unskilled acting out, and lifelong struggles to be in this world - is this hidden wholeness. This is among the great lessens my mom has been teaching me over the past year as I have experienced firsthand the times of authentic healing that has been happening between my mother, myself, and our family. The tragedy upon tragedy is to have this healing interrupted by anyone "for Nancy's own good."
I have also witnessed and experienced firsthand the impact of those who are trying to "help" but actually caused much more harm than anything else. Certainly some of those who meant well in treating my brother with Valium, shock treatments, and talk therapy meant to "fix" him were unknowingly nailing some of the nails into John's coffin. They meant well. Just as did the therapist I ended up bringing charges against many years ago with the Board of Licensed Clinical Social Workers. The charges were determined to be true and he received a large fine, was compelled to three years of supervision and additional hours of training, and more. He meant well. That still does not take away from the psychological abuse he inflicted on myself and no doubt countless others.
The harm done by helping professionals who try to "fix" their clients by treating symptoms rather than the larger picture of what is being expressed is great. We can only strengthen and facilitate healing in others to the degree that we can "see their hidden wholeness or trust the integrity of the life in them." First we must do our own inner work. We can only take others as far as we have come ourselves.
Meanwhile, how does it help an 87 year old woman to be deprived of contact with her only surviving child? How does it strengthen my mother - for even one moment or for even any reason whatsoever - to consider that it is in her best interest to be obstructed from connection with those who are her flesh and blood, with those who will always love her most of all?
This is so painful.... painful more than words can say. So I sit here and write... trying to soothe my hurting heart that I cannot even talk with my own mother. Just being deprived for any reason of being her guardian has been among the most painful and disturbing experiences of my life. Now this... I am sad beyond words...
My deep prayer, always, is for awakening... and especially for those who are trying to "help" others. Only to the degree that we are sleeping can we cause such harm as that which has been occurring off and on throughout my struggle to simply become my mother's permanent guardian. May we awaken to healing and wholeness within ourselves. May this be the gift we are able to bring to others. ♥
Peace & blessings ~ Molly
Many times when we help we do not really serve. . . . Serving is also different from fixing. One of the pioneers of the Human Potential Movement, Abraham Maslow, said, "If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail." Seeing yourself as a fixer may cause you to see brokenness everywhere, to sit in judgment of life itself. When we fix others, we may not see their hidden wholeness or trust the integrity of the life in them. Fixers trust their own expertise. When we serve, we see the unborn wholeness in others; we collaborate with it and strengthen it. Others may then be able to see their wholeness for themselves for the first time.
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