John & Molly, 1953.
The is the land of our paternal ancestors.
John and I pose on the property of our grandparents's home, Cherry Hill.
John loved to sail, as did our father. Summer 1966.
The above three photographs were all taken at Orchard Lake, Michigan.
I visit my father's and brother's graves before heading to Orchard Lake to swim.
Pine Lake Cemetery, Bloomfield Township, Michigan. June 2010.
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Thirty-five years ago today my twin ended his life. John struggled. Mostly he struggled with love. My brother wrote:
If Only
I love to be loved.
I need to be loved.
And I am angry
when I am not loved.
And when I am angry
I am not loved.
If only I weren't angry
about not being loved,
maybe I could find
the love that I need.
- John Strong
3/25/51 - 1/30/78
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Life brings to all of us deeply painful experiences, enormous challenges, great losses. For John and me, the hardest of all was not being loved by our mother.
Some of us survive the great heartaches that life brings to us and some of us do not. Some - through any combination of not enough resilience, through "help" that harms more than heals, through isolation and lack of true support, through the grip of addictions that won't let go, through living with no glimpses of another world being possible for far too long - do not find a way through the pain of our deep wounds into the doorway of Life. We get stuck. And few can hang on forever in the darkness of clinging to survival with no end in sight to so much suffering.
Our son Matt's friend tragically died just over two weeks ago and, like my brother, he was also only 26. At Mike's service, the pastor offered each of us who knew Mike questions we can ask ourselves. Included were - how will we love differently due to knowing Mike? And - how will we live differently because Mike has been part of our lives? What gifts these questions are. They light a path of inquiry that has the potential of ultimately transforming so much loss into some form of blessing.
Over the last 35 years since John's death, I have been gradually and increasingly embracing and reflecting the answers to these questions in how I live my life. Today I experience profound gratitude to the Great Mystery, my children, Ron, and the various soulful friends, healers, mentors, therapists, authors, visionaries, and more along the way who have helped illuminate new ways of opening, seeing, risking, loving, healing, awakening. Clarissa Pinkola Estes reflects that the most important psychic decision any of us make is whether or not to be bitter. And I knew I did NOT want to get stuck in bitterness! Or rage, terror, shame, and this haunting feeling of being deeply flawed and separate from myself and all of life.
Although it took me a while to understand, with time I had come to recognize that I had made a decision to Live. To live not just for me, but for John, too. What a powerful intention that is! Because before John died, before I entered this path of healing, discovery, and waking up, I had been disassociated, disconnected, and very much afraid of life. And love. Of course, I didn't know it. Only after I have allowed my heart to break open again and again have I discovered how much there was that had long been neglected and was in such deep need of attending. Wild how it is that through the doorway of my tears I have come to find so much joy. And love.
Miracles happen. Out of so much loss a great passion for love, compassion, and profound caring can be born. Thank you, John.
♥
**********
May we be at peace.
May our hearts remain open.
May we know the beauty of our true nature.
May we be healed.
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