Trauma Bond: A Personal and Collective Experience

Warmest Greetings

Recently I had two separate but related experiences. I attended a training through my work as a Department of Human Services Child Welfare caseworker on trauma bonding, and I watched the preview films and advertisements in a Regal Cinema as I awaited seeing the movie Avatar. I do not often get out to the large movie theater venues. Yet, each time I do stray beyond the small local theaters, I am struck with how it is getting worse. Dramatically worse. In awaiting Avatar to begin, I grew to increasingly feel like I had walked into a science fiction story. Then I turned to my eldest son who sat to my right and Brian said exactly what I was thinking: "1984".

My one negative experience of the otherwise outstanding Avatar is that the really "bad" guys were too one dimensional and, therefore, lacking in a sense of depth and being real and believable. Yet, this was essentially an amazing film which illuminates a larger perspective with many layered and nuanced deep meanings and profound messages that are very relevant to our times. Paradoxically, the advertising messages leading up to Avatar held a plethora of shadows also reflecting the dark side of our culture, replete with mind, heart, and spirit numbing glitter, glorification of violence, the allure of materialism and the dictate to buy, buy, buy. The people up on the huge screen were consistently one dimensional and noticeably disconnected from anything with any depth of truth, heart, and meaning. The repeated enticements to join the military were especially offensive as our youth were portrayed in ways which used them - used them to glorify fighting, violence, war. There were no images of the horrors that I have been witness to in attending veteran's events over the years where our soldiers share their PTSD and how it feels to kill, and all too often when who they have killed is a mother or child or other innocent civilians. There was also no mention of the deeper reasons why our youth are sent to kill and be killed on foreign soils or who really benefits. Contrary to "supporting the troops", these messages up on the big screen exploited our soldiers and the youth that were being enticed to join the military and, as such, were deeply disrespectful and disturbing.

As we sat together in the movie theater, my two sons and daughter-in-law and I all acknowledged to one another how this violence to one's soul was painful to see and experience. And especially that it has become so "normal" in American culture.

How can this be - what has become so normalized in American culture? . . .

Maile McCluskey is an amazing therapist. She has worked with one of my clients for over a year around this mother's history of generational trauma. The more I have come to know Maile and the work she does, the greater the depth of my appreciation and respect for how she makes possible a depth of healing for her clients. Maile (pronounced like "smile" only without the "s" and with a long "e" sound at the end) isn't just a therapist with different degrees after her name. She is a woman of great wisdom, strength, and heart. Being a trauma survivor myself, there has been a part of me that has wished that I could have found someone like Maile to support me in the early years of my own healing work 25 years ago. Of course, today I also recognize and am grateful for all the pieces of my story, including the most challenging and difficult ones. I know that all of these experiences have blessed me with the depth of compassion, caring, and growing wisdom that I possess today.

With humility and gratitude, I also recognize that there is always more to open to and learn. And now this significant new perspective which weaves it's way through seemingly separate and different experiences. As Maile spoke about trauma bonding, and after years of doing my own personal and professional work, much of what she shared was already familiar to me. But there was also this new depth of insight which I find myself continuing to notice and integrate.

In our training, it was easy to recognize the trauma bonding in our clients - those who have been victims of domestic violence, sexual abuse, and other forms of violence and neglect. Maile talked about Stockholm Syndrome in which victims become aligned with their abuser, and the components of this syndrome, which include: (1) a perceived threat, (2) small acts of kindness, (3) isolation, and (4) a perceived inability to escape. In moving more deeply into discussion of trauma, Maile highlighted that core to trauma bonding is a promise, and how it is that this promise comes to be threaded and woven through any trauma bond. Also important to note is that hidden in this promise is the use of seduction, power, fear, and intimacy.

Understanding the promise inherent to any trauma bond illuminates how it is that something that is experienced as "normal" to some can appear crazy to others. One can wonder why a victim of domestic violence won't leave the perpetrator or how the horrors of the holocaust happened or how the aftermath of 9-11 occurred right here in America. Identifying the promise is key to understanding the traumatic bond. Yet, also key to understanding the craziness of the trance that any of us is capable of in the wake of a trauma is to grasp the awareness that in the process of trauma bonding a severe deadening occurs to one's intuition. As the victimization of the vulnerable individual or even whole society occurs, red flags that go up are minimized, ignored, or denied. No matter the cost, what is right under one's nose cannot be seen. This is the power of the promise. And this is the price of the injury to one's instincts in the aftermath of a trauma.

It is easier to look at trauma bonding as something which occurs to others, such as the children and parents who come into the child welfare system or the followers of a Jim Jones or Adolf Hitler. Even though there is some vicarious traumatization that can occur when we are witness to the trauma of others, there can still be the safety of some detachment when we see it in another individual, another family, another religion, another cult or culture.

It is sometimes much more difficult to look at and, often, to even recognize our own traumas and resulting victimization. Traumatic bonding can be subtle enough to not even penetrate conscious awareness. And this is how it can be both insidious and powerful: we fail to recognize how traumatic bonding doesn't just happen to those other people out there. It can also happen to anyone, including ourselves.

Maile McCluskey began our training on trauma bonding with asking each of us to reflect on our personal experiences when 9-11 happened. Maile reflected how at that horrific time there were groups of people connecting everywhere, often total strangers and from a diversity of backgrounds. There was an instantaneous bond which was emerging from this profound shared trauma. This was a gift, a strong light in the midst of the horror of such darkness. The immediate bonding that arose as the towers came down reflected the positive side of trauma bonding. We came together to support one another.

Individually and collectively, we Americans also had a new depth of vulnerability which was ripe for exploitation. And thus the dark side of our trauma bond. With 9-11 and it's wake came the trauma, the promise of protection, the increased - but for many subtle - victimization, followed by red flags (often hidden behind the American flag) which were ignored or not recognized because, in the midst of our trauma, we had fallen under the trance that comes with injury to our instincts coupled with the power of the promise.

In the time following the fall of the Twin Towers, and while millions of Americans watched in new horror, millions of others endorsed, supported, believed necessary, or did not notice what followed in the aftermath of 9-11: the severe polarization and propaganda of "you're either with us or with the terrorists", color code alert warning systems, other constant reminders of the trauma of 9-11, the Patriot Act, two wars, the introduction of "embedded journalists", the trampling of the Constitution, the end of Habeas Corpus, torture, extraordinary rendition, Guantanamo and secret prisons, illegal wire tapping of Americans, the hiding of the return of the military coffins, the "dumbing down" of journalists' questions, a continued focus on terror and "the war on terror", the one-sided pervasive propaganda of the American media, violation of the Geneva Conventions Protocol, destruction of the global environment, the total failure of response to Hurricane Katrina, fixing of the facts of scientific studies to deny global warming, the president's signing of more than 800 Signing Statements which circumvented over 1000 provisions of US laws, the outing of a CIA agent, war crimes, and the list goes on. Looking at just this one example of the impact of trauma bonding illuminates the vulnerability that we can all have and how, without awareness, the catastrophic impact that can unfold.

So, yes, whether reflecting on the aftermath of 9-11 or sitting in a Regal Cinema awaiting a movie to begin, war is peace and other forms of 1984 are in our midst. AND knowledge is power. May we each find the courage and passion to increasingly recognize, embrace, learn from, heal, and transform our own individual and collective trauma and victimization. There is a depth of life lessons, empowerment, and profound blessing to be found in the midst of the darkness which is part of the human experience. May this New Year see more and more of us seizing the moment to individually and collectively further awaken our hearts and work toward creating a world that cares for all beings.

Namaste ~ Molly

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How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world. ~ Anne Frank

Although the connections are not always obvious, personal change is inseparable from social and political change. ~ Harriet Lerner

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers. ~ M. Scott Peck

Never doubt that a small, group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. ~ Margaret Mead