Friday, December 6, 2024

Shining Our Light Ever More Brightly In Our Beautiful Hurting World

Photo by my dear friend Lynn Negrete
Shining Our Light Ever More Brightly 
In Our Beautiful Hurting World

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you. Don't go back to sleep. You must ask for what you really want. Don't go back to sleep. People are going back and forth across the doorsill where the two worlds touch. The door is round and open. Don't go back to sleep.

— Rumi

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As we experience the suffering within ourselves, our loved ones, and the world, I believe that it is the strength of our individual and collective Light and Love that matters and matters deeply. 

So what empowers us to not turn away, to not lose ourselves in despair or hopelessness, to keep the eyes of our hearts open, and to grow in resilience and passion for doing our part in the healing of ourselves, our human and nonhuman family, and our Earth Mother? We will likely each have our own unique responses to this question. And this is where it can sometimes be helpful, healing, and empowering to share our experience, strength, and hope with one another.

For me, some of the roots of how I am moved to respond are found in the first parts of the question: How do we not lose ourselves? And that is certainly something that has been a profound and deeply spiritual experience for me to contemplate and explore.

Over the course of many years, what I have discovered within myself, and come to witness in us all, is that we humans share in common having many conscious and/or unconscious parts. It can also be difficult to not get caught up in misidentification with our parts, believing that we are our shame, depression, addiction, fears, and trauma. Or we can be misidentified with the flip side of "not good enough" or "broken" through actions and beliefs reflected in perfectionism, image management, being better than, power and control, entitlement and grandiosity. 

Certainly I have personally experienced both sides of these reflections of being lost to myself — which for me began as an infant — and manifested for over half of my lifetime with believing myself to be deeply flawed, unworthy, and unlovable. It is this pain of unworthiness and shame and fear that I learned early on to cover over with judgments of how I was in some way better than you. I share this with the compassion knowing that our inner judgments always have to go somewhere. And to the degree that we hold ourselves with shame and a harsh inner critic — rather than understanding, compassion, tenderness, and love — is the degree that we are lost to who we truly are.

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There are countless experiences that we humans can have which cause us to build protective walls around the tender places in our hearts. To cope and survive, we learn to not be vulnerable, to not trust, to not be intimate and honest, to not say no and maintain healthy boundaries, and to feel that it is not safe to be who we most truly are. And we go to sleep, oblivious to how much of our authenticity that we have sacrificed and numbed and buried within ourselves, individually and collectively, in order to create the illusion of safety, connection, meaning, truth, and reality.

I reflect spontaneously now on how our inner exiles and inner walls find mirrors in the outer walls and exiles that we build and create on the outside in our relationships, our nation, and the world. If we don't truly see and experience ourselves and, therefore, are unable to see and experience the truth of each other, how are we to embody the compassion, wisdom, and heart-to-heart connections with our planetary sisters and brothers that we all need? We can't bring something of depth to anyone else that we are first denying ourselves. And yet it is this felt connection within ourselves and with one another that is vital to the wisdom of knowing how to act on behalf of a highest good for us all.

There is great wisdom in this: We cannot be bodhisattvas to our human and nonhuman family if we are not first bodhisattvas to ourselves. This is a deep and abiding truth. To the degree that we are lost to ourselves and denying our deeper needs and truths is the degree that we will experience disconnection from one another. And rather than bringing consciousness and compassion to our hurting world, we are more likely to bring fear and judgment, shame and blame, anger and hatred, bitterness and resentment.

For decades there were old triggers, old buried beliefs, old attachment injuries, and deep, deep trauma which continued to haunt my life as an adult. This was true even years into my sobriety, years into counseling, years into 12 Step programs and other resources that I sought to help me heal generations of pain. Yet for years into my journey I continued to suffer in the present from old wounds out of my past. And my greatest pain was when I began to see the legacy burdens of ancestral and cultural trauma show up in my sons as they entered adolescence. I had no idea what was missing.

Today I do. 

* * * * *


Strengthening our connection with our inner Light, our core Essence, our sacred Self is life changing and a powerful antidote to being lost to ourSelves and our interrelatedness with all beings. At least this has certainly been my experience — and which today I believe to be a sacred truth.

I have been moved to share this quote from Mark Nepo again and again, who describes the essence of our Self in this way — “Each person is born with an unencumbered spot, free of expectation and regret, free of ambition and embarrassment, free of fear and worry; an umbilical spot of grace where we were each first touched by God. It is this spot of grace that issues peace. Psychologists call this spot the Psyche, Theologians call it the Soul, Jung calls it the Seat of the Unconscious, Hindu masters call it Atman, Buddhists call it Dharma, Rilke calls it Inwardness, Sufis call it Qalb, and Jesus calls it the Center of our Love.”

This transformative and deeply spiritual process is not a matter of needing to grow my heart stronger, or grow my compassion muscle, or strive to be loving. As I've continued to evolve on my journey of awakening, today I recognize that these qualities are already within us — a strong heart, deep and abiding compassion, and an expansive love and caring that excludes no one. This is who we are. This is what it is to be a fully embodied human being deeply connected with our Sacred core. As we bring more and more of our exiled parts out of exile and lovingly listen and attend to them, we strengthen our connection with our Self.

It is my experience of befriending and healing my many parts that continues in an ongoing way to clear the obstacles to embodying my Self. This is the opposite from pathologizing, labeling, judging, or trying to get rid of anything. Instead, this is a process which is honoring, compassionate, tender and wise, deeply transformative and empowering, and grounded in abiding Love.

It is this Light emanating from Self which is something that I believe is threaded through us all. Unblending from and unburdening the wounded exiles that so many of us have long carried within our bodies frees up a depth of compassion and courage, resilience and strength, kindness and love that may otherwise be impaired or inaccessible. It is my belief that this potential lives within us all because this "spot of grace" is our birthright. 

There is no self-improvement required. Rather, we are just learning how to recognize and live out of the consciousness of the beauty, wisdom, strength, and love of our true nature. We are then also empowered to know, remember, and recognize that Self is within everyone.

This is true freedom from the barriers we've built within ourselves and with one another. The personal to global implications are profound.

* * * * *


From this revolutionary perspective and experience, there is no pathologizing. No shaming beliefs in sin or demons, nothing within us that is unworthy of love, and there is no trauma that we've brought upon ourselves because of our actions in past lives. Trauma can never heal more trauma. It is also true that after working with hundreds of abused children over the course of my professional life, I clearly recognize the undeniable sacredness of every single child. No one is born a "bad seed", as my own mother once believed to be true of me. No child deserves abuse or neglect or any form of violence. Period. And it is clear that narratives related to sin or the devil or inner demons only perpetuates fear and shame, unworthiness and powerlessness, and the  sense of being deeply flawed and unlovable. And all of this contributes to our experience of lack of safety and connection with others and distance from the strength and beauty of our true nature.  

There is tremendous empowerment that occurs when we realize, when we really get it, that there is no longer anything within us to get rid of, there are no pathologies that are doomed to haunt us for lifetimes, no damning and incredibly limiting diagnoses that we misidentify with. Instead, and as Richard Schwartz wisely states, there are "no bad parts." Absolutely none. All can be embraced and listened to and valued and ultimately freed from their painful legacy burdens — burdens that have often been carried and passed on for many generations before us. Freedom from this pain and suffering is absolutely possible and what I believe to be our birthright.  

At its core, this journey is one of learning how to love and hold ourselves and each other with compassion and lovingkindness. It is about learning how to be the loving parent who we may have never had. It is also the extraordinary process of transforming old roles and patterns which may have plagued us for decades with addictions, trauma triggers, depression and anxiety, shame and fear, flooding and overwhelm, and harmful thoughts and beliefs. As we gain greater access to our Self, our old triggers lose their hold over us and we gain the tools to lessen and greatly diminish experiences of being triggered, flooded, and overwhelmed.

This is why I have no fear today of ever relapsing. None. Yes, I am incredibly grateful for my 40 years of sobriety, which has been an essential part of my healing journey. And it is also true that I no longer identify by the part of me that has been an alcoholic. That part of me simply no longer holds any power over me whatsoever. The burdens of the carried pain that pushed parts of myself into my addictions to alcohol and cigarettes and other addictions have been unburdened in an ongoing way and radically transformed.

This is also why I have no fear of Alzheimer's, although both my mother and grandmother suffered from this disease. What resonates for me is what Gabor Maté has spoken about and also written about in When the Body Says No — Alzheimer's is most likely an autoimmune disease. And when we have unaddressed trauma that has plagued us for years and caused us to not live our lives grounded in our most authentic selves, there is a deep cost that builds over the course of our lifetimes. 

This was certainly true when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 2003. Gratefully, my doctor knew my history of trauma, did not prescribe any pain medication, told me to "not get stuck in my diagnosis", and sent me off to get alternative care. I've now been free of all symptoms of this autoimmune disease for twenty years. And given the deep and transformative healing work that I've engaged in, coupled with the growing authenticity of how it is that I now live my life, I have no fear of Alzheimer's or relapse into old addictions. 

The freedom from trauma that comes with unburdening ourselves of the trauma legacies that we were blindly handed by our ancestors and larger culture has profound implications. It is truly radical transformation that I could not have imagined before first experiencing it myself.

* * * * *


I have now long been on this journey of unblending from my hurting parts. Increasingly, it is my Self that is able to be curious, courageous, compassionate, and able to hold and listen to the pain I have held in my heart and body. And, with time, these parts have ultimately come to be released from the painful roles they'd taken on so very long ago. While these old patterns and coping strategies had helped me for many years to survive, it is also true that they later developed into patterns and beliefs which caused harm to myself and those around me. 

Finding freedom from these old painful triggers and parts and roles is, again, an incredibly life changing and profound gift. Coming from a history of great trauma and pain and its many symptoms — multiple addictions, depression and anxiety, unhealthy relationships and unhealthy beliefs, and deep shame and fear and disconnection — today I am a walking, living example of what is possible when we access the Self as Healer within.

This is also a journey which we cannot take in isolation. We humans are relational beings, and while early attachment injuries may have pushed us into patterns of defending our hearts, it is absolutely possible to find the wise and loving support that we need to bring our exiles out of exile and cultivate a deepening connection with our many parts and with our Self. Both are intimately linked. And, ultimately, we can come to experience the profound freedom that emerges as we learn how to undefend our hearts.

In more recent years I've been blessed a great deal of support, including with a therapist who has empowered me to more deeply heal and radically transform past traumas. This has included healing the traumatic wounds I've experienced from earlier counselors and therapists who had not done their own deeper work and carried their own unaddressed trauma legacies. No one can support anyone else in connecting with our Sacred core and unblending and unburdening from the pain carried in our different parts without first doing that work themselves. 

And this is something that I've come to understand for many years now. None of us can assist in bringing anyone further than we have first gone ourselves. And as I have learned from many painful experiences, it is deeply important to discern who we can trust as midwives on our sacred journey and who we cannot. I had understandably been incredibly instinct injured and for many years, including well into my sobriety, did not have the skills of discernment needed to know who to offer my trust to. 

Today, gratefully, I do.

* * * * *


It is not easy to be human. Today millions of us are suffering the trauma of our unmet individual and collective needs for planetary thriving. And whether we are aware of it or not, we humans absorb the suffering of our planetary sisters and brothers. This awareness highlights the vital need for us to find our own ways of continually strengthening and expanding the consciousness, healing, wisdom, compassion, courage, and love that we bring to ourselves and each other. The ripples we create truly matter.

So many of us, as I have been, are also impacted by misidentification with who we truly are, not recognizing the understandable impacts of living in an unhealthy culture. And tragically, we are continually encouraged to divide ourselves up into polarities — of republican or democrat, gay or straight, Christian or non-Christian, white or non-white, American citizens or undocumented "illegals", rich or poor, depressed or seemingly thriving, alcoholic or nonalcoholic, rural or urban, and on and on. And as we buy into the constant narratives that divide rather than connect us, we lose sight of who we truly are. 

And when we lose connection within ourselves and with each other, our Light dims. The personal to global implications here, again, are profound. When our connection with Self is diminished, impaired, or severed, we are limited in the loving, wise, and compassionate presence that we are able to bring to ourselves and to our human and nonhuman sisters and brothers.

For so many years of my life, and including for decades into my healing journey, my own connection with Self was impaired. My parts continued to trigger and flood and overwhelm me, continued to impact all of my relationships, and continued to hold large influence over how I lived my life. I continued to experience a limited connection with my core Self and my sense of interrelatedness with all beings. My many unhealed and wounded parts were often remaining central to my experience of life. 

Today, at the age of 73, that has now greatly shifted and continues to shift and evolve with each year as I grow older. This is such a blessing! And I love and am so very grateful for the gift of becoming an Elder!

Learning how to embody Self-Leadership changes everything. 

This is something that is our human potential and, I believe, our human birthright. This is the message that I give to my now adult children and many others. We can heal and radically transform and unburden any trauma legacies that have been passed on in our families and culture for so very long. We can grow into being who we truly are. We can open and deepen our connection with Self. And with that experience, our inner Light will grow to shine ever more brightly — something which I believe is an imperative in our hurting, beautiful world.

Bless us all, no exceptions...
Molly

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Some Suggested Resources:
  • "Becoming Our Compassionate Self: Integrating Parts of Ourselves into the Process of Spiritual Awakening" with Richard Schwartz and Lama John Mackransky:
  • "Rethinking Addiction" with Richard Schwartz, Gabor Maté, and Mark Lewis:
  • Gabor Maté on "When The Body Says No: Mind/Body Unity and the Stress-Disease Connection":
  • Francis Weller On Grief:

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