What I Want In My Life Is Compassion, A Flow Between Myself and Others Based On a Mutual Giving From the Heart
What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.
All violence is the result of people tricking themselves into believing that their pain derives from other people and that consequently those people deserve to be punished.
We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.
Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.
Now, with regard to the people who have done things we call "terrorism," I'm confident they have been expressing their pain in many different ways for thirty years or more. Instead of our empathically receiving it when they expressed it in much gentler ways -- they were trying to tell us how hurt they felt that some of their most sacred needs were not being respected by the way we were trying to meet our economic and military needs -- they got progressively more agitated. Finally, they got so agitated that it took horrible form.
As we’ve seen, all criticism, attack, insults, and judgments vanish when we focus attention on hearing the feelings and needs behind a message. The more we practice in this way, the more we realize a simple truth: behind all those messages we’ve allowed ourselves to be intimidated by are just individuals with unmet needs appealing to us to contribute to their well-being. When we receive messages with this awareness, we never feel dehumanized by what others have to say to us. We only feel dehumanized when we get trapped in derogatory images of other people or thoughts of wrongness about ourselves.
As author and mythologist Joseph Campbell suggested, "'What will they think of me?' must be put aside for bliss." We begin to feel this bliss when messages previously experienced as critical or blaming begin to be seen for the gifts they are: opportunities to give to people who are in pain.”
At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.
... As is often the case, these groups were more skilled in analyzing the perceived wrongness of others than in clearly expressing their own needs.
My theory is that we get depressed because we’re not getting what we want, and we’re not getting what we want because we have never been taught to get what we want. Instead, we’ve been taught to be good little boys and girls and good mothers and fathers. If we’re going to be one of those good things, better get used to being depressed. Depression is the reward we get for being “good.” But, if you want to feel better, I’d like you to clarify what you would like people to do to make life more wonderful for you.
Don’t mix up that which is habitual with that which is natural.
To practice the process of conflict resolution, we must completely abandon the goal of getting people to do what we want.
Peace cannot be built on the foundations of fear.
Blaming and punishing others are superficial expressions of anger.
Two Questions That Reveal the Limitations of Punishment Two questions help us see why we are unlikely to get what we want by using punishment to change people’s behavior. The first question is: What do I want this person to do that’s different from what he or she is currently doing? If we ask only this first question, punishment may seem effective, because the threat or exercise of punitive force may well influence someone’s behavior. However, with the second question, it becomes evident that punishment isn’t likely to work: What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing what I’m asking?
When we understand the needs that motivate our own and other's behavior, we have no enemies.
Peace requires something far more difficult than revenge or merely turning the other cheek; it requires empathizing with the fears and unmet needs that provide the impetus for people to attack each other. Being aware of these feelings and needs, people lose their desire to attack back because they can see the human ignorance leading to these attacks; instead, their goal becomes providing the empathic connection and education that will enable them to transcend their violence and engage in cooperative relationships.
Everyone clings to their history with a vengeance, because it anchors their identity. So when Marshall advocated peaceful talk, he was advocating a new identity at the same time. He fully realized this fact. As he states about Nonviolent Communication and the role of the mediator in this new third edition, “We’re trying to live a different value system while we are asking for things to change."
Let’s shine the light of consciousness on places where we can hope to find what we are seeking.
"This world is what we have made of it. If it is ruthless today it is because we have made it ruthless by our attitudes. If we change ourselves we can change the world, and changing ourselves begins with changing our language and methods of communication. I highly recommend reading this book and applying the Nonviolent Communication process it teaches. It is a significant first step toward changing our communication and creating a compassionate world." — Arun Gandhi (In his review of Nonviolent Communication.)
― Marshall B. Rosenberg
Most quotes are from Nonviolent Communication:
A Language of Life: Life Changing Tools
For Healthy Relationships
Please go here for more information:
No comments:
Post a Comment