I originally wrote this piece one year ago and am moved to share it once again. The journey into vulnerability, trust, intimacy, and deep healing and transformation ― the journey into love ― is not for the faint of heart. And yet nothing could be more worth it. If we are deeply blessed, we find those courageous and soulful partners who will make the journey with us. And for that ― for my beloved Ron ― I am profoundly and forever grateful. đź’ś
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| 2010 on the Oregon coast |
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| 2023 in Oaxaca |
It was 13 years ago on 11/11/2010 that Ron and I met for the first time. He was 62 and I was 59. He'd been single for 15 years, and it'd been 8 years since my divorce from my sons' father. After initially connecting on Match, and following emailing and then telephone conversations, we'd agreed to meet at a coffee shop in Portland.
And in walked Ron on that Thursday evening and I thought, "He's tall!" And, yes, Ron is one foot taller than me. And I enjoyed our time together on that first night. My co-workers were eager to hear how it went the next day and if I'd be seeing him again. And I remember saying that I didn't know.
That said, it didn't take long before I felt this strong pull to this tall, handsome man. And once I came to Ron's Vancouver house for the first time two weeks later and saw the beauty he'd created surrounding his lovely home, what I experienced was how the outer beauty was a reflection of inner beauty. I could feel how Ron was someone special.
A month later we were at a house warming party for dear friends Olivia and Carl. Ron stood talking to my friend Sandy with his back to me. Sandy was one of my close friends who I'd asked to keep her eyes open for someone I might want to meet. And there she was talking with Ron when I found myself slyly getting her attention and pointing to Ron while mouthing to my friend, "He's the one."
It really didn't take me long to know that Ron was likely the man I'd been hoping to find. Ron had been single for nearly twice as long as I had and it took him a while longer to realize that I was the "real deal." He was worth waiting for.
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Healthy relationships are not easy. They are not for the faint-hearted. Gratefully I'd seized on so many "growth opportunities" in my first marriage of 30 years. There were so many lessons to be learned, patterns to be broken, triggers to be recognized and healed, fears to be transformed into trust and vulnerability and tenacity and courage.
It does take courage to work through what emerges. There is no doubt about that. It also takes two. I definitely learned the hard way in my first marriage that I cannot do the work for both of us. That path only leads to pain and suffering and dead ends.
And, of course, a lot did come up in those early months and years within myself and Ron. There were many conversations and struggles and old places that surfaced yet once again. And, gratefully!, Ron did some brief therapy and had his long-term men's group for support. And I had my therapist and supportive loving friendships. These supports ― and coupled with mutual courage and love and commitment to do the work ― made all the difference.
True deep intimacy, vulnerability and accountability, and doing the inner work of recognizing, sustaining, and deepening the love that we've longed for can be scary!
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We don't live in a healthy culture where there is a plethora of modeling for what healthy relationships can look like and embody. Patriarchy and misogyny, perfectionism and image management, unhealthy gender roles, and many harmful belief systems continue to run rampant in our society and beyond.
Consequently, I don't believe that most of us can work through generations of ancestral and cultural patterns in isolation. We simply cannot see all of our blind spots, wrestle with fears, recognize projections, or heal the triggered old places without help. Opening our hearts deeper and deeper is truly a hero's journey. At least this has certainly been my experience and also that of so many others I know who have enduring, evolving, loving partnerships.
Clarissa Pinkola EstĂ©s wisely writes in her classic Women Who Run With the Wolves, “Sometimes the one who is running from the Life/Death/Life nature insists on thinking of love as a boon only. Yet love in its fullest form is a series of deaths and rebirths. We let go of one phase, one aspect of love, and enter another. Passion dies and is brought back. Pain is chased away and surfaces another time. To love means to embrace and at the same time to withstand many endings, and many many beginnings― all in the same relationship.”
So true. So true.
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It is such a treasured, priceless gift to find the partner who will engage in the work of healing and awakening, intimacy and love together.
Clarissa Pinkola EstĂ©s also writes: “Having a lover/friend who regards you as a living growing criatura, being, just as much as the tree from the ground, or a ficus in the house, or a rose garden out in the side yard... having a lover and friends who look at you as a true living breathing entity, one that is human but made of very fine and moist and magical things as well... a lover and friends who support the ciatura in you... these are the people you are looking for. They will be the friends of your soul for life. Mindful choosing of friends and lovers, not to mention teachers, is critical to remaining conscious, remaining intuitive, remaining in charge of the fiery light that sees and knows.”
And this is what I have found in Ron and he in me ― friends to our souls for life.
This depth of love is, I believe, what we all need, and whether with a mate, dear friends, family. We need those who will go deep with us ― who will risk to be honest and vulnerable, who will listen and witness with compassion, who will sustain a commitment to working through the old places when they are triggered, who will vow to face life's inevitable messiness together and learn from its challenges, and who will embrace in an ongoing way the wisdom and deep love to support the growth of our hearts and evolution of our souls.
Through all of our ups and downs, this is the heart and soul of what I have found in my husband. I will always be eternally grateful for my beloved. Thank you, Ron!
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| Photo by Molly |
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