With warmest blessings — Molly
In
Buddhist psychology, the word “equanimity” is commonly used to describe the
idea of balance. Being able to find equanimity is essential for all of us —
particularly when overwhelming emotions arise. A state of equanimity is not one
of passivity or indifference, but of space and stillness, as well connection
and compassion. It’s an empowered state in which we negotiate understanding
with trust, questioning with acceptance.
Reacting rather than taking the time to respond to our
experiences is only natural. My fellow columnist, Jane Gross, wrote recently about sweating the
small stuff, and so graciously attributed me with a very even
temperament. I’ll take this opportunity to say that I get reactive, too! There
are airlines galore in my life. And several phone services. And complex human
beings.
I do believe that whatever balance I can bring forth is the
result of my meditation practice. We are wired toward survival, so if something
makes us feel threatened, we want to defend ourselves. Perhaps that means our
minds get triggered to figure out what’s going on — what the situation means —
and we end up telling ourselves stories fraught with judgments and assumptions.
At times, that means feeling the desire to attack others, or
hide. Perhaps that means running away. And if something pleasurable feels
precious, we want to protect it. Sometimes that simply means feeling scared of
loss. Or it might mean clinging tightly to that which brings us pleasure. But
in any and all of these situations, we are operating from a reactive place,
where basic survival rather than skillful
behavior is our primary concern. It’s human nature, so at the very
least, accepting that is the first
step toward equanimity.
If we get especially stressed at work because of a demanding
boss or an unreasonable deadline, we can acknowledge that we can’t control the
uncontrollable. We notice that we’re stressed, we certainly feel the magnitude
of the pressure or panic, and we try to see into the intricate corners and
crevices of these complicated feelings.
We can choose not to make an enemy of our feelings, as tempting
as it may be. Instead, we can choose to expand and allow them to come up. That
space brings wisdom that keeps us from getting lost in immediate reactivity.
Our
culture conditions us toward extremes. When it comes to feeling painful
emotions like anger or jealousy, we typically get lost in our feelings in such
a way that they become toxic and seemingly inescapable. We may think there’s no
way out, and we come to identify with our feelings completely: I’m
an angry person, and I always will be.
On the other hand, we might also feel an impulse toward turning
away from tough feelings: to swallow them, deny them, distract ourselves. We
don’t have many models for feeling strong emotions in a balanced state.
Equanimity is what frees us from these dynamics. We can learn to
be present with emotions without falling into the extremes of overwhelm or
denial. Equanimity is the state in which we can recognize an emotion like anger
and even feel its intensity, but we also pay attention to our own choice in how
we respond to a given feeling, thought, or circumstance. Rather than allowing
our minds to spin
stories about our life-long anger or inability to cope with the difficulties of
life, we can create space for ourselves to feel without drowning in
a given feeling. The creation of that space is the essence of equanimity.
Seeing how other people react to a given situation is often a
helpful reminder of how much choice there really is for all of us when it comes
to how we respond to things.
Please continue this article here: https://onbeing.org/blog/a-safe-space-in-equanimity/
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