Alfie Kohn: Parenting With Respect

We might say it’s our job (as parents) to be “in control,” in the sense of creating a healthy and safe environment, offering guidance, and setting limits – but it’s not our job to be “controlling,” in the sense of demanding absolute obedience or relying on pressure or continuous regulation. In fact, we need to be in control of helping them to gain control over their own lives. The goal is empowerment rather than conformity, and the methods are respectful rather than coercive.

In short, with each of the thousand-and-one problems that present themselves in family life, our choice is between controlling and teaching, between creating an atmosphere of distrust and one of trust, between setting an example of power and helping children to learn responsibility, between quick-fix parenting and the kind that's focused on long-term goals.
 

  ― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason