In another lifetime in this lifetime, I resisted doorways. I didn't even know they existed. Because change — and peeking behind the curtain of what I thought I knew — was frightening. Pain was something to deny and shove away beneath my conscious awareness. Vulnerability and trust was foreign territory and definitely to be avoided. Disassociation provided me with the out of body experience that kept my fears and trauma at bay and gave me the illusion of safety. An array of addictions kept my emotional world and true needs underground and unknown. And projections and finger pointing with my inventories of what was wrong with you enabled me to be distracted and to feed the devouring inner critic I lived with without being its constant victim myself. Or so I unconsciously thought.
The word "brittle" comes to mind. I was living a brittle existence, ungrounded and largely detached from myself and others, from purpose and meaning, from joy and compassion and love. I couldn't even face or cope with my own pain and suffering much less that of anyone else. I was a stranger to the wisdom and beauty that are my true nature. And the true nature, I believe, of us all.
This was my story then. It is not my story today.
It has also been my experience that the individual and collective stories we live by, either consciously or unconsciously, are interwoven. There are not just a few "bad apples" out there who need to look at themselves and see what they're doing and Wake Up! It's all of us. I'm continuously reminding myself of this — that there is always another layer to uncover beyond the one that I'm aware of now. Curiosity and courage are such gifts, propelling us to lift one veil after another where our blind spots and not-knowing have been hidden and to now instead reveal some larger truth. Such a gift. Because the ripples we create as individuals matter, and matter deeply.
Whether we're consciously choosing to enter a new doorway or unconsciously slamming the door shut makes all the difference. We did not come to this critical place that humankind and the planet are at today without playing a role of one kind or another. We're all connected and all falling somewhere on the continuum of being more or less asleep or awakened.
It is humbling to enter again and again the doorway of how we have unknowingly contributed to some form of harm. And it is empowering. Because once we don't turn away and instead look at and truly see our suffering and that of other humans, animals, trees, whales, rivers, and on and on, we're then moved to act. We've entered the doorway into a new way of being in the world, one which is more aware, empathic, caring, and committed to finding our ways to alleviate the suffering we're no longer blind to.
No where is exempt from racism, poverty, injustice, and other forms of violence that are painfully surfacing so clearly and for all to see and act to change. The pain of others is also our pain, as is their joy. And amidst so much beauty and love and kindness, every day I am also struck with the incredible amount of shadow work that we’re being asked to do in these times. Every incident we encounter is a potential doorway into our individual and collective awakening and how it is that we are all needed in the efforts to effect the radical changes needed to create a just and caring world.
May we remember that each time we allow our hearts to break open, more space is cleared for love. This tender, fertile ground is often where we discover what our strengths and gifts are that we bring to this beautiful, hurting world we share. In an ongoing way, may we courageously face and heal ourselves, may we emerge from our isolation and find our voices and share our stories, and may our awakening and the wisdom of our hearts be contagious.
May we not turn our backs on the doorways beckoning us again and again to enter. May we find the support we need and offer our support to others. We are so not alone! This is the pathway through which we come to see with new eyes, expanding heart, and fierce caring for all of life.
Bless us all, no exceptions.
❤ Molly
