I am moved to do this post as I integrate more and more deeply the high price of perfectionism and its roots in trauma. I recognize trauma today as something which — on a continuum — impacts us all. It has many faces of which perfectionism is one, and one that I have known well. For many years now I've experienced myself as a "recovering perfectionist" — someone who has come to understand how perfectionism stands as a significant barrier to authenticity. And to not be authentic, to believe that we have an image that must be managed, to unknowingly be acting out of shame and fear, and to be distanced from knowing, embracing, and loving who we most wholly are — all of this is yet one more face of trauma. Recognizing this has opened a pathway of healing and of living out of greater and greater authenticity, compassion, equanimity, and love. May we all know the beauty of our true nature. 🙏 Molly
Understanding the difference between striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down your shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it's often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.
Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.
We live in a culture of never enough: Never good enough, skinny enough, popular enough, never enough Twitter followers,…
And there’s only one way out of scarcity and that is enoughness. At some point, we just need to say “enough”: I am enough. What I‘m doing is enough.
It’s about waking up in the morning and saying: No matter what gets done and how much is done and how it’s done, I’m enough and I’m worthy of belonging and love and joy.
Worthiness doesn't have prerequisites.
Here's what is truly at the heart of wholeheartedness: Worthy now. Not if, not when, we're worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is.
* * * * *
Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.
We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.
Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.
We can talk about courage and love and compassion until we sound like a greeting card store, but unless we’re willing to have an honest conversation about what gets in the way of putting these into practice in our daily lives, we will never change. Never, ever.
Now I understand that in order to feel a true sense of belonging, I need to bring the real me to the table and that I can only do that if I’m practicing self-love. For years I thought it was the other way around: I’ll do whatever it takes to fit in, I’ll feel accepted, and that will make me like myself better. Just typing those words and thinking about how many years I spent living that way makes me weary. No wonder I was tired for so long!
Whenever I'm faced with a vulnerable situation, I get deliberate with my intentions by repeating this to myself: "Don't shrink. Don't puff up. stand your sacred ground." Saying this little mantra helps me remember not to get too small so other people are comfortable and not throw up my armor as a way to protect myself.
* * * * *
Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.
One of the greatest barriers to connection is the cultural importance we place on "going it alone." Somehow we've come to equate success with not needing anyone. Many of us are willing to extend a helping hand, but we're very reluctant to reach out for help when we need it ourselves. It's as if we've divided the world into "those who offer help" and "those who need help." The truth is that we are both.
We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time.
Until we can receive with an open heart, we're never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.
Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart.
Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.
Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.
We can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
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The universe is not short on wake-up calls. We’re just quick to hit the snooze button.
Courage is like—it’s a habitus, a habit, a virtue: You get it by courageous acts. It’s like you learn to swim by swimming. You learn courage by couraging.
E.E Cummings wrote, "To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody but yourself - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight- and never stop fighting.
Courage originally meant "To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart."
Authenticity
is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to
be and embracing who we are. Choosing authenticity means cultivating the
courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to
be vulnerable; exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we
are all made of strength and struggle; and nurturing the connection and
sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are
enough. Authenticity demands Wholehearted living and loving—even when
it’s hard, even when we’re wrestling with the shame and fear of not
being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we’re
afraid to let ourselves feel it. Mindfully practicing authenticity
during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy,
and gratitude into our lives.
To become fully human means learning to turn my gratitude for being alive into some concrete common good. It means growing gentler toward human weakness. It means practicing forgiveness of my and everyone else's hourly failures to live up to divine standards. It means learning to forget myself on a regular basis in order to attend to the other selves in my vicinity. It means living so that "I'm only human" does not become an excuse for anything. It means receiving the human condition as blessing and not curse, in all its achingly frail and redemptive reality.
Wholehearted living is about engaging with our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion and connection to wake up in the morning and think, ‘No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.’ It’s going to bed at night thinking, ‘Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.
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