Sharon Olds: After 37 Years My Mother Apologizes for My Childhood

Following the death of my mother on June 20th, my dear friend and soulful sister Bess Piñon gifted me with two poems which broke my heart wide open. This is one of them. My mom did not begin the process of her apology, of courageously opening her heart to giving and receiving love, until the age of 87. This was a miracle that I had believed was impossible. And decades before 2013, I had begun my own healing journey which freed me to forgive and love my mama. So this poem is incredibly meaningful to me, as I believe it is for many others. Deep bow of gratitude for all that touches and cleanses my heart and the hearts of us all. In the end, love is all that matters. — Molly
 

Loving touch shared by my mother and myself

After 37 Years My Mother Apologizes for My Childhood
 

When you tilted toward me, arms out
like someone trying to walk through a fire,
when you swayed toward me, crying out you were
sorry for what you had done to me, your
eyes filling with terrible liquid like
balls of mercury from a broken thermometer
skidding on the floor, when you quietly screamed
Where else could I turn? Who else did I have? the
chopped crockery of your hands swinging toward me, the
water cracking from your eyes like moisture from
stones under heavy pressure, I could not
see what I would do with the rest of my life.
The sky seemed to be splintering, like a window
someone is bursting into or out of, your
tiny face glittered as if with
shattered crystal, with true regret, the
regret of the body. I could not see what my
days would be, with you sorry, with
you wishing you had not done it, the
sky falling around me, its shards
glistening in my eyes, your old, soft
body fallen against me in horror I
took you in my arms, I said It’s all right,
don’t cry, it’s all right, the air filled with
flying glass, I hardly knew what I
said or who I would be now that I had forgiven you.
 

— Sharon Olds