Transforming Ourselves and Our World: Reflections On the Practice of an Undefended Heart

This is for our children with so much love — Brian, Kevin, Matthew, Allison, Marita, Arlyne, and Rubí. And for our beloved grandchildren — Oliver, Eleanor, Ethan, Carsten, and Audrey. And this is for all the children of all the species of today and on into the future for the next seven generations. Bless us all. And may we adults heal and open our hearts so that we may be able to hear the wisdom of our souls and that of God/Goddess, Great Spirit/Mystery, Creator. These are the times that call for us to awaken. May it be so. — Molly

For many years now, I have been a quote collector. And this is among my most treasured Rumi Quotes: "Our greatest strength lies in the gentleness and tenderness of our heart." I've carried the above sign to many rallies and marches in the struggle for a more just and caring world, including the above rally two years ago advocating for immigrants, refugees, and asylum seekers.

Some may dismiss this as naive or ignorant or ridiculous or being a "snowflake." Yet, it is my belief — and that of many others — that all major new truths  go through three stages. First, the truth is ridiculed, then violently opposed. Finally, the new truth is accepted as self-evident. While there are those who are fiercely stating that all we need to do is get rid of Trump or re-elect Trump, it is my experience that something much larger is going on which is repeatedly calling for our attention. It is also my experience that the strength of Love and Grace is more powerful than our fears, our unhelpful belief systems, and all the ways that we humans unknowingly create separation and cause harm to ourselves and others and our Earth.

When I first began my blog 11 years ago, it came to me to write this:

"I am passionate about being a part of a revolution in caring and kindness. I am passionate about peace, beauty, joy, compassion, love, laughter, truth, healing, and growing in consciousness. My personal experience has been that as I have embraced, healed, and opened my heart, I have discovered the sacredness in myself and all life. It is my belief that the ripples of the strong and sacred heart energy in us all is what will awaken and heal our world."

 
This statement continues to illuminate the heart of the matter which I see as an integral part of our human evolution and the paradigm shift that has long been trying to occur on Earth. I believe that it is possible for this paradigm shift to occur because I am aware of more and more of us rooting into a path of waking up. And there is my own personal experience of the gradual awakening which has transformed me from a deeply lost, fearful, shame-based, and broken-hearted soul to where and who I am today. 

Along the way, I've come to humbly and compassionately recognize that not many of us are either totally asleep or totally enlightened. This has certainly been true for me. Most of us as humans fall somewhere along a continuum of being more or less conscious. And, if we are alive and breathing, there is likely more work that we can do to open to the greater beauty, truth, and fullness of our Sacred Selves.

Everything I share, I say with the humility of today knowing both sides of so many things. So it is certainly true that when I was much more unconscious than awake, I also had no idea how asleep I was. I was doing the best I could do, as we all do, in coping with the painful experiences of my life. I hadn't yet cultivated healthier and wiser coping skills. And the whole concept of being asleep and of awakening was something totally foreign to me. It has only been over these past 35 years of my healing journey of discovery that I have come to compassionately and tenderly recognize just how wounded and ignorant and separate I had been. And every year that I am alive, yet more veils of my illusions are lifted.

"We are here to awaken from our illusion of separateness."

— Thích Nhất Hạnh

As I look all around me, I see so much evidence of the impact of our human illusion of separateness. To the extent that we experience ourselves as separate is the extent that we are capable of dehumanizing other human beings and also turning away from and denying the suffering and harm caused to other beings and our Earth Mother. Our sense of separateness also makes us vulnerable to feeling justified in lashing out at others. This manifests through racism and misogyny, projections and fear, hatred and name calling ("those idiot Trump supporters," "those stupid anti-American socialist liberals,"), greed and entitlement, empathic impairment and an inability to see beyond the "Other" into the living being of worth that they are. 

We also have long lived in an unhealthy culture. The horrors and heartbreaks that we see each and every day have indeed been tragically and exponentially increasing. Although the impoverished have always known horror and heartbreak... This terrifying destruction and death, greed and plunder, and epidemic levels of violence and dehumanization that we are witnessing today is also a reflection of what we have yet to face, understand, heal, and transform as a nation, as planetary beings, and within ourselves. To one degree or another, the outer is a reflection of the inner. At least this has certainly been my experience.

What I have been learning is that whatever we have defended ourselves against seeing, embracing, and learning from shows up in an endless array of ever increasing heartbreaking symptoms. We engage in endless war while continuing to support the military industrial complex. We blame escalating poverty on the impoverished and on those "dangerous" immigrants and "illegal" aliens. We adopt black and white thinking which manifests in love it or leave it nationalism and white supremacy, in seeing all our problems as being the fault of Trump or Obama or the Clintons or some "Other," and we become vulnerable to buying into the propaganda of polarization and the attachment to and limited perspective of "our side is right and yours is wrong."  

We grow vulnerable to unknowingly throwing our support behind backing leaders who are themselves wounded, corrupt, and pulled into the late stage deadly capitalist system that is wreaking havoc on our nation and the world. What we don't see adds to the harm of us all when we support people in positions of great power who at best have acted only marginally in our best interests, and at worst are systematically destroying our nation and taking the rest of the planet with them.

It is this disconnect — this separation from our hearts and the hearts of one another — that I believe is at the root of the ecological and climate crises which now threaten life on Earth. Through the process of building defenses against the pain and fear we carry in our hearts, we become instinct injured, empathically impaired, vulnerable to being polarized, and fearful and looking for simplistic answers. This disconnect fuels our limited awareness of the larger picture and the more expansive understanding that lies just over the next horizon beyond what we see today. And out of our ignorance, illusions, and even with the best of intentions, we unknowingly support the exact political candidates, policies, media, belief systems, and huge financial interests that have brought us to this place where we are now face to face with our own impending extinction. We act out this gaping wound to our being of separateness.

It is also true that we humans internalize and act in our sense of being defended and disconnected. This shows up in substance and non-substance addictions, obsessions and compulsions, depression and anxiety, isolation and lack of meaning and purpose, sickness and silence, shame and fear, hopelessness and despair, anger and rage, apathy and lack of curiosity, ruptured attachments, unhealed losses, broken and unhealthy relationships, and festering and growing pain in our hearts which we try to medicate and distract and distance ourselves from. Whether we are unknowingly acting in or acting out the trauma of building defensive walls around our own hearts, we hurt. The experience of separation is deeply painful, and this is true whether we're conscious of it or not.

For most of us, there is a combination of these symptoms which emerge out of our sense of separation. The way that I have come to be so deeply aware of all of this is through my own personal experience as a human being who once embodied so much of the above. I was deeply lost and alone and hurting. This extreme sense of separation — and all the resulting harmful belief systems, the addictions and anger, the isolation and despair, the shame and fear —also led my twin brother to take his life in 1978 just short of our 27th birthdays. Defending our hearts can come with a terrible price.

Through my years of healing, today I understand in my deepest being the cost, both personal and now also global, of this great disconnect from ourselves and each other and the Earth. So much suffering happens when we get stuck in these illusions which unknowingly drive us to cause harm to ourselves and others. There is another way.

"We must look at ourselves over and over again in order

to learn to love, to discover what has kept our hearts closed,

and what it means to allow our hearts to open."

 — Jack Kornfield

 

As we grow older, I have observed in myself and in others that we humans tend to be moving in one direction or another. We're contracting and growing more fearful and shut down, brittle and bitter, critical and judgmental, and disconnected from ourselves and others. It is also very hard to consistently bring the compassion, understanding, and tenderness to others — including our loved ones — that we deny ourselves.

The other direction occurs as we courageously root into a path of heart. This is the journey in which we are not trying to "improve" ourselves or fix anyone else. Rather, we are doing the inner and outer work of becoming more mindful and aware of our triggers, of healing the layers of hurt that we carry in our hearts, of cultivating greater understanding and compassion and acceptance of ourselves and others, and of becoming more intimate with and conscious of the beauty and the strength of who we truly are. Fear and control is transformed into surrender, vulnerability, and open heart/open mind. 

In this way, everything is evolving and changing. We experience greater awareness of how it is that we've been wounded in life and how we act out those wounds — and we're empowered to make new and very different and more helpful choices for ourselves and others. Through this process of thawing out and undefending our hearts, we are growing into our untapped potential and gradually connecting with the vastness of our true nature and the Sacred thread which connects and is woven through all of life. This is the journey that I have discovered when we open the spiritual doorway beckoning us to enter. This is when we commit to making the life changing decision to learn how to not be bitter and to instead come to befriend ourselves.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

— Jellaludin Rumi

In no way am I saying that it is easy, this process of learning to love ourselves. It is not. The only thing more difficult is staying stuck in our suffering without any deep awareness and understanding of it or how to free ourselves.

I was just recently talking about this with my therapist. He is such a beautiful, wise, and compassionate soul. And that is what any good therapist, teacher, guide, visionary, friend, family member, partner/spouse is — a good friend to our soul. And Doug was talking about the two different ways of coping with suffering — one which causes suffering to increase and one which brings about the end to suffering. My therapist was also reflecting how he sees me as embracing my suffering and, in this process, transforming it. This is the path that leads to the end of suffering. 

The other way to try to cope with suffering increases our suffering because we try to run from it — we deny that we are hurting, we project our hurt onto others, we reach for a drink or a joint or food or an affair, we shop till we drop, we compulsively caretake not realizing that there is a difference between caretaking and loving someone; we look for love in all the wrong places, we fixate on taking the inventory of others; we blame and shame and judge and criticize, we disassociate and distract ourselves, we compulsively work or exercise or pray or excel, and the list goes on and on. 

I've done pretty much all of the above. The truth is that an early counselor back in 1984 told me that I could be addicted to anything, even standing on my head. He knew and told me that what was going to be needed was for me to do "shadow work" and make the long journey from my head to my heart. What that meant, I had no idea. And it scared me to death. And I knew in my deepest being that he was telling me something I needed to hear... and act upon.

This led me to the doorway and the journey which ultimately saved my life. And which connected me with the love that will not die.

The Love That Will Not Die

Spiritual awakening is frequently described

as a journey to the top of a mountain.

We leave our attachments and our worldliness

behind and slowly make our way to the top.

At the peak we have transcended all pain.

The only problem with this metaphor is

that we leave all the others behind --

our drunken brother, our schizophrenic sister,

our tormented animals and friends.

Their suffering continues, unrelieved

by our personal escape.

In the process of discovering our true nature,

the journey goes down, not up.

It’s as if the mountain pointed toward the

center of the earth instead of reaching into the sky.

Instead of transcending the suffering of all creatures,

we move toward the turbulence and doubt.

We jump into it. We slide into it. We tiptoe into it.

We move toward it however we can.

We explore the reality and unpredictability

of insecurity and pain, and we try not to push it away.

If it takes years, if it takes lifetimes,

we will let it be as it is. At our own pace,

without speed or aggression,

we move down and down and down.

With us move millions of others,

our companions in awakening from fear.

At the bottom we discover water,

the healing water of compassion.

Right down there in the thick of things,

we discover the love that will not die.

— Pema Chödrön

It is hard to be human. And it is painful to be awake and aware, especially in these times. And it is certainly understandable for us to be looking for the seemingly less painful path to take, the one where we get to sustain our defended hearts. It can understandably appear to be counter intuitive that dismantling our defenses and coming to increasingly live with an undefended heart is a treasure to seek. Yet, what we push away, only grows stronger. I used to excel in that. My heart was in so much pain that I did NOT want to face. I didn't even know I was in so much pain. I was drowning in separateness, in disconnection, in illusions....

Tears in this moment... for the lost girl and the young woman I once was. And for all of us who are hurting.... And gratitude for today being able to wrap all these different parts of myself in the tenderness of my arms and heart. I have gotten to grow into the mother I never had. Wow....

What I have learned along the way is that cutting ourselves off from our sorrows also cuts us off from joy. Kahlil Gibran's wise words illuminate this —

On Joy and Sorrow

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was 

oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more 

joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that 

was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood 

that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you 

shall find it is only that which has given you 

sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you 

shall see that in truth you are weeping for that 

which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others 

say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you 

at your board, remember that the other is 

asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between 

your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at 

standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold 

and his silver, needs must your joy or 

your sorrow rise or fall. 

— Kahlil Gibran

I can understand how this poem can be confusing and even seem wrong. I also deeply recognize that the above Rumi quote about breaking our hearts open can not make any sense. So often we think that we've had enough heartbreak and we're choosing to go in a different direction because we're done with heartbreak! At the same time, I fully remember three decades ago when I first heard these words, "Every time you allow your heart to break open, more space is cleared for love." It made no sense to me. It was also true that I was beginning to heal my injured instincts and something deep within myself whispered that I needed to listen and learn the depth of meaning here. 

 

Today, and after years of unknowingly being deeply stuck in heartbreak, I understand that we humans need to go all the way through our experiences, embracing our many layers and defenses and blind spots. And on the other side of hell is an unimaginably strong, loving, joyful, and blessed life. And, there is the pain, too. AND our relationship with our suffering has been transformed. We get it that being human means that painful experiences, losses, and betrayals will happen. We also come to understand that if we turn away and don't learn the lessens and claim the gifts buried in dark places, we deprive ourselves of healing, we get stuck, and our suffering and sense of separation only grows.
 

This is what one of my longtime teachers wisely says:

 “Run towards the roar,’ the old people used to tell the young ones. When faced with great danger and when people panic and seek a false sense of safety, run towards the roaring and go where you fear to go. For only in facing your fears can you find some safety and a way through. When the world rattles and the end seems near, go towards the roar.” — Michael Meade
 

Our greatest gifts and our deepest wounds

reside in the same area.

— Michael Meade

Today, more than ever, we need to run towards the roar. We need to strengthen ourselves and our capacity for wisdom, love, and fierce compassionate action through the courageous process of undefending our hearts. And again and again we need to bravely enter the doorway of disillusionment, which is the pathway of letting go, one by one by one, of our illusions, separation, and limited perspective and experience of ourselves, other beings, and our world.
 

If we struggle against ourselves, we will continue to struggle with each other. The birth of unity emerges out of our learning how to be unified within ourselves. Otherwise, we split off and project our unwanted, scary, shame-filled, and painful parts of ourselves onto others. 
 

Pain comes to us all. And this includes whether or not we're conscious of the climate and ecological crises, whether we turn towards or turn away from the suffering of ourselves and others, whether we are active in our addictions or actively trying to wake up, whether we define ourselves by a political party or something much greater than that, we humans experience pain. What matters most is what we do with it. 
 

I write this both to further integrate what I am learning and to share the gifts of what I am learning. 
 

My story includes that I grew up with an extremely dangerous and violent mother. This violence killed my twin brother. And, once I sought help and healing, this same violence broke my heart wide open and ultimately gave me the great gift of my fierce commitment to compassion. Today my life is dedicated to alleviating the pain in the world. First, I had to embrace what I carried in my own heart and claim its gifts. 
 

We humans experience so much. And we all are coping the best way we know how. These two ways lead us in vastly different directions. One way of coping eventually hardens and deadens us and exponentially increases our suffering. The other path transforms our most painful life experiences into a force for good... A force of Love and Grace.
 

And this is the practice of cultivating an undefended heart.

A Prayer

May we be at peace.

May our hearts remain open.

May we know the beauty of our own true nature.

May we be healed.

***

With love and blessings to all,

Molly

Image from our garden of Kuan Yin, Goddess of Compassion. Our home is surrounded inside and out with statues of Kuan Yin. The outer reflects the inner. Blessed be.