My mama and me, October 2013.
Being silly together! Mom loves Ron.
Every shared moment is a gift. ♥
Two weeks ago Ron and I were enjoying a very sweet-sad visit with my mother in Michigan. So sweet to see one another, so sad that there are now again 2,427 miles between us.
This has been such a long journey, these last nine months. It began with a suicide attempt last February, which followed in the wake of my mother's sudden separation from her fourth husband and quick relocation from Florida to Michigan. Upon learning of my mother's crisis and subsequent hospitalization on a psychiatric ward, Ron and I were on a plane the next day, fully expecting, once she was stabilized, to bring my mom back here to live near her family in the Pacific Northwest.
It had been over 14 years since I last visited with my mother. And when we first saw each other on the locked ward at Pine Rest on Tuesday, February 19th, 2013, all my mom and I could do was cling to one another and cry and cry and cry. In those initial moments, there was a remembrance happening, a remembrance of the love that does not die. Unknown to me at the time, a profound miracle was unfolding. Because I had always believed that my relationship with my mother would always be one-way, that the love I felt for my mother would not ever be returned. I was wrong.
It was also on this same day in February that I learned that ten months earlier my mother had signed a Power of Attorney over to a step-son from a former marriage, not her most recent. There were also two Wills my mom had signed in the months leading up to her hospitalization leaving half her estate to this same person. No matter my mother's pleading to come with us and rescind the power she had granted to this non-blood family member, Ron and I were not able to return to the Northwest with my mom those many months ago. Thus began the struggle for guardianship of my mom.
Tragedy is not a stranger to any family. Life and loss happens to us all. Sometimes the pain we are faced with is contained within the present time. Acute and unbearable as it may feel in the moment, this pain is at least contained to this particular loss, this particular heartache and heartbreak. However, it is also true that sometimes the pain that families endure is exasperated by unhealed wounds which have been unknowingly passed from one generation to the next again and again and again. And out of this pain - out of all these unresolved losses, misunderstandings, betrayals, cutoffs and more -- the many faces of generational tragedy find fertile ground to be born yet again as continued shame, ruptured relationships, addictions, abuse, neglect, depression, personality disorders, anxiety, loneliness, suicide, and other forms of violence and separation from others and from one's own heart.
So much tragedy comes in the wake of broken hearts that, for whatever reason, are not attended to and healed for years or lifetimes. It is amazing, the tenacity - both subtly and overtly - with which the rules get played out to not talk, not trust, not feel, not be. We can even be deeply engaged in patterns of shutting down, shutting up, shutting out and not even know it. I certainly learned "image management" well within the culture of the wealthy suburb I grew up in and in our culture at large. My family's tragedies fed off these rules, these unconscious patterns to contract and deny rather than embrace and expand. Glimpses, just tiny glimpses into this truth, propelled me to first walk through that doorway that ultimately led me to discovering this path of healing my broken heart and transforming my life. And, more than anything, I wanted to "break the cycle" for my three sons. I did not want them to endure what I had. It took everything I had and a profound amount of Grace to keep going. Even more than the sudden death of my father and the suicide of my twin brother, hardest of all was grieving not being loved by my mother.
In my healing journey, with the intention, support, courage, and commitment to go deep into the great ocean of my family's long buried and abandoned sorrows, I discovered my life's greatest treasures -- the capacity for healing and embracing the gifts hidden in dark places, for understanding and forgiveness, for compassion and acceptance, connection and belonging, caring and kindness, tenderness and love. And this is the fertile ground from which miracles are born.
Today, it is beyond amazing to be witness to the awakening of my mother. She is breaking the rules! We are breaking them together!!! I am beyond astounded!! This is the parent I had given up on ever being loved by. This is the parent I had been told by different therapists over many years that I needed to grieve as a death. I was told that I would benefit from reading everything I could on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I was told that I was lucky to have physically survived my childhood. And I was told that there was not anything I could ever do to make my mother love me. Period.
As the years passed, certainly the repeated rejection I experienced was proof enough for me. I knew I would "never be good enough", no matter what I did. I knew that I would continue to be the attempted target of my mother's projections, most often the dark ones. I knew that my mother would also continue with the splits in her relationships that she had done as far back as I could remember. There was always someone who had to be "bad" and someone who was "good." My mom was very vulnerable to anyone who would prey of my mom's propensity to demonize and idealize. This includes the other person who seeks to be her permanent guardian.
Of course, as my healing deepened and courage grew, I would no longer engage in the dance, which is one of the reasons for my mom's rejection. I got healthy and strong enough to stand in integrity and compassion and no longer act out a role or participate and collude in abuse, mine or anyone else's. At times many years ago, this meant standing up to my mother and not engaging in abuse directed at this very person who has been fighting me for my mother; later in her marriage to his father, it meant standing in protection of his sister and having my mom slam down the phone on me when I refused to collude in her demonization. Instead I increasingly offered my mom my authentic self, my integrity and healthy boundaries, my kindness and compassion, and my unconditional love. All this was deeply foreign and frightening to this woman who had learned to avoid intimacy for so long that she was left powerless to do anything other than push it away. And that is exactly what a therapist of mine who met my mother told me many years ago: "Molly, your mother is compelled to push away love. There is nothing you can ever do to change that."
Of course, as my healing deepened and courage grew, I would no longer engage in the dance, which is one of the reasons for my mom's rejection. I got healthy and strong enough to stand in integrity and compassion and no longer act out a role or participate and collude in abuse, mine or anyone else's. At times many years ago, this meant standing up to my mother and not engaging in abuse directed at this very person who has been fighting me for my mother; later in her marriage to his father, it meant standing in protection of his sister and having my mom slam down the phone on me when I refused to collude in her demonization. Instead I increasingly offered my mom my authentic self, my integrity and healthy boundaries, my kindness and compassion, and my unconditional love. All this was deeply foreign and frightening to this woman who had learned to avoid intimacy for so long that she was left powerless to do anything other than push it away. And that is exactly what a therapist of mine who met my mother told me many years ago: "Molly, your mother is compelled to push away love. There is nothing you can ever do to change that."
Over the years I was unable to completely let go of my shame that I had continued to keep alive any teeny bit of hope that I could ever have even a neutral relationship with my mother. This tiny surviving hope kept me going back again and again and again asking Mom to please, please just meet with me one time with any therapist, clergy man or woman, or mediator of her choice to try to work out our misunderstandings enough to no longer have these excruciating ruptures which sometimes took the form of years passing without seeing one another. While each attempt I made to build bridges was ultimately again and again blown apart, I was left feeling that I had a Ph.D. in personality disorders. I could work well professionally with even the most angry or disturbed clients because I'd had so much practice. Yet, all the therapy and healing and knowledge and mindfulness, etc., etc. could not take away the primal pain of not being loved by my own mother. This was something I believed I would live with for the rest of my life. But I was wrong.
This is the book I will write some day. It will be on the transformative power - and the great mystery - of Love. Because the wall that my mom had build around her heart that I believed 99% was impenetrable... well, it turns out that the 1% won. I have discovered this pathway into my mother's heart. The neuropathways that I believed had been grown over since her infancy actually were capable of responding to repeated immersion in love. Mom got on meds, quit drinking, got Alzheimer's, got cornered with her severe depression and a lifetime of unattended horrific losses and tragedies - AND then she went on to respond to my unrelenting showers of affection, unconditional positive regard, tenderness and caring, kindness and compassion, and Love. And from me she's been branching out -- to Ron (now stepson), to her grandsons and step-granddaughters, to close family friends. And now this woman who could not tell her own daughter for most of my adult life that she loved me repeats over and over - "I love you with all my heart and soul." "I'm so proud of you." "You're so pretty, smart, kind,..."
We are making up for a lifetime of losses. Truly, we are healing generations who could not find their way out of so much suffering into the heart of love. This is the utter miracle of what has been happening for my mother and me and our family.
Learning that she doesn't have to be "good enough" or "perfect", that she doesn't have to buy love, that relationships are not business transactions, that she can be needy and vulnerable and imperfect and honest and who and where she is at and that she will still be listened to and respected and loved - and not abandoned!, and no matter what! -- all this has brought on what is absolutely and completely a profound miracle. I am simply stunned by the transformative power of love. Stunned. My mom is opening her heart! At 87 years old, she is opening her heart! To me, to Ron, to her family. Not that the image management, the belief that she has to "walk through the tulips" rather than be honest, the low self-esteem, the shame, the fears and loneliness and depression and anxiety is gone - certainly not. But now there is more than all this! There is more than the prison of so much pretense, denial, illusion, terror, and suffering. There is LOVE!!! For my mom - she can experience LOVE!!!!
I'm sitting here just crying.......................
Meanwhile, the battle is on for who should be my mother's permanent guardian. Sometimes I feel so weary and sad, so sad that there is anyone - anyone! - who for one moment thinks they can find any reason, any reason on Earth, to justify interrupting the miracle that is happening for my mother. Hands down, I am the more qualified guardian. But, to me, that is besides the point of the larger picture - WHY stand between an elderly woman who has suffered so much her whole life and the love she has denied herself - until now?! Why? And I feel so sad with the harm that this struggle is causing my mother... Then I am replenished again and again and again by LOVE. The fierce love I have for my mom. The fierce love and prayers and support others have for my mom and our family. The amazing, just amazing love I share with Ron. And then I am ready for the next chapter - whatever it is. And I will not stop until it is love and the highest good that prevails for my mom.
To briefly sum up where we came from and where we are at today: I thought we were essentially on the other side of this struggle for guardianship when the Michigan judge appointed me temporary guardian of my mother at a hearing in May 2013. Ron and I were finally able to bring Mom home to her family. There was still going to be a hearing on September 17th to then confirm what I believed 100% would be myself as my mother's permanent guardian. However, and longer story short, within two weeks of my mother being here in the Northwest, the other party suddenly and without warning had me removed as my mother's temporary guardian and had himself appointed through an ex-parte hearing. The Michigan judge refused to grant a hearing which would have allowed my attorney to refute the charges that were directed at me -- that I was, among other things, not caring well for my mother and putting her at risk.
The Michigan judge put forth other orders, including ordering my mother back to Michigan in August. This order went against my mother's (Washington state) Guardian ad Litem's recommendations and the recommendations of my mom's psychologist and primary care physician. Again, there was no opportunity granted my attorney for time before this Michigan judge. And, again, much longer story, my mother was coerced into returning to Michigan in early August. This forced return to Michigan occurred four days prior to Mom's oldest grandson's wedding, and one month prior to my wedding to Ron. My mother missed both. And each day that Mom is away from her family she is missing out on the preciousness of what little time we have left. The rulings by the Michigan judge have caused profound pain and suffering.
The Michigan judge put forth other orders, including ordering my mother back to Michigan in August. This order went against my mother's (Washington state) Guardian ad Litem's recommendations and the recommendations of my mom's psychologist and primary care physician. Again, there was no opportunity granted my attorney for time before this Michigan judge. And, again, much longer story, my mother was coerced into returning to Michigan in early August. This forced return to Michigan occurred four days prior to Mom's oldest grandson's wedding, and one month prior to my wedding to Ron. My mother missed both. And each day that Mom is away from her family she is missing out on the preciousness of what little time we have left. The rulings by the Michigan judge have caused profound pain and suffering.
The September hearing to determine my mother's permanent guardian had meanwhile been moved from September 17th to September 23rd, then September 30th. Then it was decided that a two day trial was needed and dates could not be found until November 18th & 19th. Meanwhile, Ron and I returned to Michigan in late October to both visit my mom and to attend a court hearing. In this hearing two weeks ago today, the Michigan judge was asked by my attorney to recuse herself because of obvious bias. And she agreed to step down!!! YES!!
The search for a new judge began immediately. To our great distress, the trial that we finally thought would happen soon was now being pushed out until January 13th & 14th. Everyone, certainly including my mother, was so upset! Mom wants to come home! NOW! Then we got the call from our attorney last week that two consecutive days were found in a nearby county for December 9th & 10th! YES!!! We are jubilant! The only thing that needs to happen is for my mother's current Guardian ad Litem, my mom, my attorney, and the other party's attorney to sign off in agreement that the trial can occur in this other nearby county. Mom signs, her GAL signs, my attorney signs....
And today I learn that the other party's attorney "cannot stipulate to the December trial dates. We will need to proceed on January 13-14, 2014." I left work early today. My heart is sad beyond words................
In the midst of the ups and downs of this roller-coaster, which is turning out to be among the greatest challenges that my mom and I have ever been through in our lifetimes, what the other party does not realize is that the more they try to crush me and ignore my mother, the greater the force of love that arises in response. And my mom, for all her dementia and depression and anxiety, again and again keeps coming back to increasingly seeing through it all. With no prompts or words from any of us, she sees what is happening with more and more clarity. The other side's attorney has accused me of speaking badly about his client. What he doesn't know is that it is the behavior of this client and his attorney that are speaking volumes to my mother. I don't need to say anything. My mom is figuring things out all on her own. And I am blown away. Blown away by her courage and strength and perseverance and sheer determination to get home to her family as soon as humanly possible.
At the same time, I am deeply saddened to watch my mother's pain as she sees more and more of what is happening. I watched this play out when Ron and I first arrived for our October visit and Mom told us the first night right after we arrived that the other family would be inviting my mother, Ron, and me for dinner. Ron and I looked at one another and simply knew this was not true. But Mom was adamant that we were all invited to their home that Friday night for dinner. The next day, and the day after the dinner, my mother could not believe that a dinner was scheduled for her and not us on what was the first full day of our visit. Ron even tried to cover for the other family to spare Mom some of the pain of what was happening, saying that they just wanted time with her, too. And Mom retorted, "No, they can see me anytime. They want to keep me away from you (looking at me)."
Mom is suffering more and more deeply these experiences that illuminate and contrast a very different experience that she is having with Ron, me, our family and the other family - different experiences regarding trust, vulnerability, her needs, respect and responsiveness, attentiveness and listening, kindness and compassion, authenticity and love. Now she is saying that the other party is telling her that he is working to get her home by Christmas. Again and again she is repeating this, and that she can't believe he wants a trial. "Why would he want a trial?" she keeps asking again. And then she tries to answer herself and struggles with the pain of reality. And Mom then states, "He knows what I want", "he says he loves me", "he doesn't want this trial." She struggles and suffers with trying to make words and behaviors fit together. She suffers with this...
It is extremely heart-wrenching to watch my mother suffer. She is so clear and so yearning with all her being to come home to her family Now. All it would take is one phone call from the other party to his attorney to call off the trial and this nightmare for my mother and our family will end. Maybe then they could become a part of our family rather than try to take the place of our family. Maybe then he could match what he is telling my mother with his actions. Maybe then he will truly stand in protection of my mother and act to end her suffering. Mom tells me over and over that she wants him to call off the trial, to allow me to be her guardian, and to let her go now. Maybe he will listen with his heart and hear what Mom is saying. More than anything else, Mom responds to those who authentically listen as a heart with ears. It is my deepest hope that the other family will recognize that my mother has already suffered so much throughout her lifetime. Standing between an elderly woman and her only surviving child can accomplish nothing other than add to our family's tragedy. This is not love.
No matter if the trial is in January, if the other party asks his attorney to keep the December dates, or - miraculously - if he decides to stop the fight and let my mother go, I have to believe that my mother will make it through this. There is a reason that our name is Strong. And this love story is meant to only grow and expand in its miracles. Against all odds, and despite - or perhaps because of - the hard push-back Mom gets from the other family, she just gets more determined, more fiercely determined to be with her family. And you don't want to get in the way of Nancy. Or of Love. Mom isn't even demonizing anyone now! More and more, she is simply stepping into the power and truth and tranformative power of love. As Stephen Levine states, "The more we love, the more real we become." And so it is.
Your continued support, prayers, blessings - especially for my mother, and also for our whole family and the other family - are deeply appreciated. Thank you so much. ♥
Blessed be ~ Molly
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