No Fix For That, My Mom, and Deep Practice

Ron & I visit with my mother in Michigan, October 2013.

There is no magic answer, no quick fix, no mystical wand that will just make everything okay. I clearly remember Dr. Reuther's words to me six months ago when my mother was hospitalized just days after arriving to begin her new life living near her family here in the Pacific Northwest: "There is no fix for that." He was talking about my mother's mental illness, her memory loss, her anxiety and major depression, her "cluster B"/Axis II symptoms that are rooted in Histrionic, Narcissistic, Borderline Personality Disorders, her lifetime of projections and distractions and neglect and denial of what she carried in her own heart. No fix for that.

There are reasons why we had not seen one another for the fourteen years preceding my mother's suicide attempt this past February. Way too many, too complex, too nuanced to share those tragic details here. How different our lives unfold if we commit to walking a path with heart. Otherwise, all that our hearts take in that does not find space and support for consciousness and healing becomes fragmented. And over time we ourselves become more of a shell of a person, full of fragmented or split off parts rather than an integrated Self. I watch and my heart listens to my mother speak again and again of her great "loneliness", and I understand that Mom's major depression is rooted in 87 years of fragmenting rather than integrating. And my heart breaks for her... and feels this extraordinary passion for love, for simply loving my mother. That is the only true balm I know to offer for so much anguish, so much heartache. Our choices to either allow life to break our hearts open again and again, or not, bear enormous consequences. I see them played out in very different ways in my life and in the life of my mother.

That there have been moments in which my mom has been able to connect with her heart, with her wisdom self, with a core that resides in the midst of countless split off parts is miraculous. And such an extraordinary gift. I treasure beyond words the priceless gem that these moments have been for my mother, for myself, for our family, Yes, our family has seen much tragedy and loss. And now, at the 11th hour of my mother's life, there are these moments of extraordinary blessing. Moments of sharing family stories, personal stories, affection, healing, connection, laughter, deep listening, playfulness, sweetness and love that I did not believe possible. Those moments continue. As does my mother's deep wish to be allowed to leave Michigan and return to living here in Vancouver near her family. Yes, Mom wants to try yet one more time to escape her "loneliness." And she knows that this is where she needs to be, in her deepest self, my mother knows that she needs to be here. Both are true.

Of course, this does not mean that my mom will not at any time go back to sleep. I am mindful of the Alzheimer's, the mental illness, the ebb and flow of more or less connection with pieces of consciousness, knowing, love. There is no fix for my mother's fragmented self and "normal" way of being in the world for over 80 years. When asleep, she can tantrum and hate me or others and be consumed by the terrors and distortions, the false stories and unresolved losses, the illusions of separation and the great loneliness of a lifetime of being a stranger to oneself. There is no integrated self for my mother to remember and reconnect with, only these fragments. And one never knows which fragment will grab hold of my mother and be the one in control. I am able to bring more depth of understanding, mindfulness, calm and compassion to this reality than I ever have before. Yes, there are moments of shared love. And the terror of her mental illness and memory loss is also still there. There is no fix for that.
 

No matter how each moment, each day unfolds, the one constant is love. I know without any doubt, without any expectation of mutuality, without any illusion - but rather with eyes and heart wide open - that I love my mom. Simple as that. I simply love my mother. I hold her with love and compassion. And nothing can alter this place I am gifted with being at today within myself and my life. The commitment to live my life as a prayer, to walk a path of heart, a path of awakening brings blessings greater than I once could have possibly imagined. And those blessings grow stronger with each passing year. Paradoxically, my mom has been one of my greatest teachers. In walking through, surviving, healing and transforming so much of my personal - and my family's generational -  losses and tragedies, waking up has become the infinite gift that keeps giving beyond my wildest dreams.
 

It appears that most of the people in Michigan who are surrounding my mother are not aware of me and conscious of what it is that I bring to my mom. It is heartbreaking to again and again feel not seen, and especially because of the cost to my mother of this blindness and/or lack of interest. My mother's providers either choose or have not been granted permission to communicate and collaborate with the only surviving biological child of this woman who is suffering, struggling, and more frequently splitting and spiraling.

So Mom remains in Michigan. Her phone is "not working" and it appears that my contact with my mother is currently restricted. I do not know why. There are false accusations directed at me. Harm happens. Frequently. Gratefully, I know what is true. I know what is in my heart. I understand integrity and commitment, awareness and truth, compassion and love. We shall see if a settlement can be worked out regarding who will be my mother's permanent guardian and if Mom/Grandma Nan/Nancy can soon be returned to her family. Or not. I do not know what will happen...

Deep practice. Again - this is a time of deep practice. Of course, there is the deep practice of compassion and love for my mother. There is continuous gratitude for the support of family and friends and for all the prayers, blessings, compassion, kindness, caring and love that come to my mom and me and our family. There is also deep practice regarding those whose decisions cause harm rather than help and healing, whose decisions add to our family's tragedies rather than to our healing and wholeness. No matter the pattern of injustice, of harm rather than help, of disconnection rather than collaboration, of illusion and distortion rather than clarity and kindness, of stunning and traumatic decisions, of obstructing whatever time is left between an 87 year old woman and her family, no matter all the heartbreak - I will do the work of keeping my heart open. In an ongoing way, I will continue to root ever more deeply in a path of compassion, caring, integrity, truth, and kindness. 

While I commit to standing up to injustice and to protecting the vulnerable, at the same time I do not waiver in my commitment to not returning hurt with more hurt. As best as I can, and one day at a time, I will not add to this world more judgment, cruelty, and justification for lashing out and for the deadening of compassion, caring, tenderness. I am committed to loving well, to living my life as a prayer, to walking a path of no harm. This deep practice I do for my children, my husband, myself, and out of caring for all beings. I do this practice for my dad who died suddenly at age 60 in 1975, for my twin brother who committed suicide in January of 1978, for all my ancestors and for all generations yet unborn. And I walk this path of heart for my mother. Bless Nancy. Bless us all. 

Namaste ~ ♥ Molly