Our mother, my twin John, and myself in front of our first home, 1953
Our family at home, Grosse Pointe Woods, Michigan, 1967
With our sons vacationing in Banff, Alberta Canada, 1997
Ron and me and all our beautiful "kids" today at our
Vancouver, Washington home, September 2012
This is dedicated to my brother, John, to my parents, and to my family today.
And this is dedicated to the Mystery, Grace, Wisdom, and Love that
moves through each of us to teach, heal, transform, and awaken.
Vancouver, Washington home, September 2012
This is dedicated to my brother, John, to my parents, and to my family today.
And this is dedicated to the Mystery, Grace, Wisdom, and Love that
moves through each of us to teach, heal, transform, and awaken.
Sometimes what feels like a traumatic and disturbing event
ends up being the precise medicine that changes everything....
It was 8:37pm on Tuesday, February 8th, 1983. We had pulled over and were sitting in the car before parting ways for the night. I do not even remember where my close friend and I had gone out to beforehand. What I do remember is looking at the clock right after Ann broke the silence and spoke the words she courageously chose to share: "Molly, Jim is an alcoholic." ... My husband an alcoholic?! That can't be... I don't even know any alcoholics! Or so went my thinking at that time. Yet it is these words and this moment in 1983 that will always be frozen in time for me. That was when the bottom of the world as I had known it began to collapse under me. It was a world that needed to go.
Despite all my resistance and fear, a doorway cracked open that night 30 years ago. And everything changed. I have this immense gratitude for the grace that has flowed through my life which has pushed me again and again to move forward, even though the voices inside screamed to run in the opposite direction. This uncertainty and confusion and deep need to know, to take the next step before me, could not be silenced. Everything was not all under control! Damn!! Then, in 1984, and with over a year of Al-Anon and two treatment programs for family and friends of alcoholic/addicts under my belt, I had come to this place where I knew I was either crazy or I was an alcoholic. It may not just be all those other people out there who had the problem! A counselor in one of the family treatment programs even had the supreme audacity to look right at me and say, "Molly, well people don't marry sick people." While I remained composed, inwardly I seethed. I also could not shake her words, which I am again immensely grateful for today.
What followed was an overwhelming moment of desperation. Somehow I picked up the phone and made an appointment at the local chemical dependency treatment center and the next thing I knew I was sitting in front of this man who was assessing me and asking questions like, "Molly, what does an alcoholic look like?" And what blurted out of my mouth was, "Sure as hell NOT like me!" How terrifying to experience those outwardly pointing fingers begin to shift direction and come around instead to focus on me. What began with a question about my former husband set me on a course of exploration that led me 16 months later to fall through the church floor of the Al-Anon meeting into the basement AA meeting below.
The doorway of addiction was just one of many which would follow. I had caught hold of the thread of my life and was no longer drifting beside the path I came here to walk. I was rooting into my spiritual journey and what I came here to be and to do. Again and again, deeper and deeper, I was embracing and healing my broken heart and the wounds, obstacles, false stories and belief systems that kept me stuck and separate from my true nature and the Sacred within myself and all beings. I was also doing this work not only for myself, but for my children, my twin, my parents, and all the ancestors and the generations yet unborn. Today I also recognize that journeying this pathway into the heart is something that benefits all beings.
Over the years, synchronicity and grace and miracles emerged again and again with each new layer, each new curiosity, each new "growth spurt", each experience of pinching my nose and jumping into the unknown of some important lesson and gift just waiting to be discovered. The suicide of my twin, the sudden death of my father and severe mental illness of my mother, the addictions and co-dependency, the struggles of my children and learning to be the mother they need, the divorce, 9-11 -- all this and more became transformed into a key part of my awakening. And as I moved again and again into this darkness, confusion, trauma, pain, and loss, everything continued to change. Amazing mentors and healers and teachers and soulful friends emerged. As did joy, beauty, laughter from my belly, and deep, deep love.
And today I get to have the family I did not have while growing up. Out of the frozen and starving desert of my childhood, and all the materialism and image management that fronted for love, today I get to know and experience in my deepest being what truly matters. And I embrace the abundance of blessing and riches which permeate my life and that of my family today not just for myself, but also for my brother, father, and mother who never found their way out of their pain and suffering. They never truly knew Love. They never discovered the truth of the essence of who they are and the Oneness which connects all.
And so today I live, I love, I laugh, I open more deeply with each year I am alive and I know this great gift I have been given - this great gift of knowing the beauty of my true nature, and yours - is not just for me. That we each work to awaken is a gift that blesses all beings.
Despite all my resistance and fear, a doorway cracked open that night 30 years ago. And everything changed. I have this immense gratitude for the grace that has flowed through my life which has pushed me again and again to move forward, even though the voices inside screamed to run in the opposite direction. This uncertainty and confusion and deep need to know, to take the next step before me, could not be silenced. Everything was not all under control! Damn!! Then, in 1984, and with over a year of Al-Anon and two treatment programs for family and friends of alcoholic/addicts under my belt, I had come to this place where I knew I was either crazy or I was an alcoholic. It may not just be all those other people out there who had the problem! A counselor in one of the family treatment programs even had the supreme audacity to look right at me and say, "Molly, well people don't marry sick people." While I remained composed, inwardly I seethed. I also could not shake her words, which I am again immensely grateful for today.
What followed was an overwhelming moment of desperation. Somehow I picked up the phone and made an appointment at the local chemical dependency treatment center and the next thing I knew I was sitting in front of this man who was assessing me and asking questions like, "Molly, what does an alcoholic look like?" And what blurted out of my mouth was, "Sure as hell NOT like me!" How terrifying to experience those outwardly pointing fingers begin to shift direction and come around instead to focus on me. What began with a question about my former husband set me on a course of exploration that led me 16 months later to fall through the church floor of the Al-Anon meeting into the basement AA meeting below.
The doorway of addiction was just one of many which would follow. I had caught hold of the thread of my life and was no longer drifting beside the path I came here to walk. I was rooting into my spiritual journey and what I came here to be and to do. Again and again, deeper and deeper, I was embracing and healing my broken heart and the wounds, obstacles, false stories and belief systems that kept me stuck and separate from my true nature and the Sacred within myself and all beings. I was also doing this work not only for myself, but for my children, my twin, my parents, and all the ancestors and the generations yet unborn. Today I also recognize that journeying this pathway into the heart is something that benefits all beings.
Over the years, synchronicity and grace and miracles emerged again and again with each new layer, each new curiosity, each new "growth spurt", each experience of pinching my nose and jumping into the unknown of some important lesson and gift just waiting to be discovered. The suicide of my twin, the sudden death of my father and severe mental illness of my mother, the addictions and co-dependency, the struggles of my children and learning to be the mother they need, the divorce, 9-11 -- all this and more became transformed into a key part of my awakening. And as I moved again and again into this darkness, confusion, trauma, pain, and loss, everything continued to change. Amazing mentors and healers and teachers and soulful friends emerged. As did joy, beauty, laughter from my belly, and deep, deep love.
And today I get to have the family I did not have while growing up. Out of the frozen and starving desert of my childhood, and all the materialism and image management that fronted for love, today I get to know and experience in my deepest being what truly matters. And I embrace the abundance of blessing and riches which permeate my life and that of my family today not just for myself, but also for my brother, father, and mother who never found their way out of their pain and suffering. They never truly knew Love. They never discovered the truth of the essence of who they are and the Oneness which connects all.
And so today I live, I love, I laugh, I open more deeply with each year I am alive and I know this great gift I have been given - this great gift of knowing the beauty of my true nature, and yours - is not just for me. That we each work to awaken is a gift that blesses all beings.
Namaste,
Molly
**************
The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is
the most difficult period of one's life. ~ The Dalai Lama
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the
barriers within yourself that you have built against it. ~ Rumi
Action creates its own courage and courage is as contagious as fear.
You must do the thing you think you cannot do. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
Everything we think, feel, and do has an effect on our ancestors and all
future generations and reverberates throughout the Universe.
Therefore, our smile helps everyone. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
♥
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