Teaching Love, Not Fear, To Children

With professor, prolific author, fierce longtime child advocate,

and "national treasure" James Garbarino

In recent months a Facebook site came to my attention: My parents didn't put me in time-out, they whooped my ass!. This is my response...

For over two decades I have worked with children and families in some capacity. For a total of ten years I worked with abused and neglected preschool aged children. I then worked with the Healthy Start Program doing home visiting with first time parents; I worked with some families for five years providing parent education and support. For the past 3+ years I have been a permanency caseworker with the Department of Human Services Child Welfare. I am also a trauma survivor myself, and have been engaged in my own healing, transformative, and heart awakening process for over 25 years.

Part of growing up immersed in varying degrees of normalized harm in my family of origin and in our culture at large was learning to numb out, not see, minimize, and develop a high tolerance for both subtle and overt violence. One of the most precious and hard fought for gifts of my many years of healing has been to bring down the walls around my heart, lifting one veil at a time which kept my vision distorted and my heart off center and my instincts impaired. I could write a book on all this, and perhaps I will some day. But for now I am focusing on one thing - how we treat our children.

Having grown up with so much fear, I knew that I did not want my children to fear me. But I did not know what to do instead. And without awareness and knowledge and new tools to use, it can be easy to believe that the only two options are to spank and use fear on the one hand, or to just allow children to "run wild" and be out of control on the other. It took a long time to truly put into practice this middle way - the way that teaches love, not fear.

As I moved to share the gifts I was learning in my professional work, among the many challenges I faced was bringing the teachings of parenting with love and respect to those who believed that to spare the rod is to spoil the child. The above Facebook site is a perfect example of those who believe that a good ass whoopin' is necessary to raise children to be "good".

I remember one family in particular that I worked with for 5 years through the births of their two children. I so respected the mother's honesty and her strong voice which shared, "I don' t know who to believe - you or my pastor..." Because I was bringing out all these materials on the harm that hitting children causes while her pastor was telling her on Sundays that spanking children is an important part of parenting. Ultimately, again and again I returned to sharing with this mother that I did not want to tell her what to do. I wanted to empower her to know in her deepest being what she wanted to choose to do. More important than anything I could say, or any handout I could bring, I asked this beautiful woman in her mid-thirties to simply observe what happened when she chose to spank. To truly notice her daughter's reactions and emotions. To truly notice what happened in their relationship when she chose to spank or to do the harder work of implementing an alternative. I encouraged this mom over time to try to let go of my words or her pastor's and instead allow herself to experience, to know in her heart what was working and what was not. It helped empower her to also notice what were short term and long term consequences of her parenting choices.

Ultimately, this mother came to her own conclusion to not use spanking and to instead motivate, teach, and parent with love rather than fear.

My spiritual path is deeply rooted in the choice I make again and again each and every day to try as best as I can to walk a path of no harm. How I define "no harm" continuously is expanding and evolving. One thing is clear and summed up on a couple stickers I've had on my refrigerator over the years: "It is Never okay to hit a child", and "The only way we will ever stop the abuse and neglect of children is to stop believing that punishing people makes them good." Amen.

A huge passion which has emerged for me over many years now is my commitment to and love for children. To the extent that we can support one another in truly and deeply understanding what helps rather than harms the little people in our midst is the extent that we are helping, I believe, to create a more just, humane, compassionate, peaceful, and loving world. It takes a great deal of courage to face how we have been harmed. Until we experience the fear, shame, anger, and loss that so many of us carry in our hearts from well intentioned parents, we remain at risk of acting out the hurt we may not even know we carry inside.

There is an alternative to using fear to raise "good" children on the one hand or its opposite, which is neglect. We can make the choice to teach love or to teach fear. Which do we truly want to pass on? I know what my choice is...

For more information:

Excellent parenting resource: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/t060100.asp

In the article "The Long-Term Effects of Spanking", the research cited reports that "Of the nearly 2,500 youngsters in the study, those who were spanked more frequently at age 3 were much more likely to be aggressive by age 5...As 5-year-olds, the children who had been spanked were more likely than the nonspanked to be defiant, demand immediate satisfaction of their wants and needs, become frustrated easily, have temper tantrums and lash out physically against other people or animals...Corporal punishment instills fear rather than understanding."
Read more:
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1983895,00.html
　
This website describes negative impact of physical punishment on children, including that "Children who continue to be spanked are more likely to be depressed, use alcohol, have more anger, hit their own children, approve of and hit their spouses, and engage in crime and violence as adults." They go on to say that spanning "teaches the child that might makes right -- that the use of violence is a valid way to handle conflicts; ...interferes with the development of trust, a sense of security, and effective communication" between parent and child." Please go here for more information: http://www.religioustolerance.org/spankin14.htm

In the article "What Spanking Does For Kids", the authors report the impact of physical punishment. Among many negative consequences listed are: "Frequent and harsh spankings can cause young children to bottle up their feelings of fear, anger, and hostility. In later life these children are unusually prone to suicidal thoughts, suicide, and depression... Despite the age or gender of the child, the family's social class or ethnicity, whether the child was hit frequently or rarely, severely or mildly, whether there were high or low levels of interaction and affection in the home, and regardless of the degree to which specific situational variables may have mitigated the effects of the punishment, spanking consistently contributes to lowered self-esteem." Please read more here: http://www.nospank.net/hyman2.htm

The article "Spanking a Child Affects Brain Development" reports that "recent research on human brain development has shown that spanking and other corporal punishment will have a significant adverse affect on the development of a child's brain and brain function. Whenever a child experiences fear and stress, especially when combined with high emotional confusion or emotional separation from a parent or other caregiver, that child becomes biologically and neuro-chemically alarmed and on high alert." Please go here for more information: http://ezinearticles.com/?Spanking-a-Child-Affects-Brain-Development&id=4065617

"Practice Positive Parenting" describes how "instilling fear in children serves no purpose and creates feelings of shame and humiliation. Fear has been shown to lead to an increased risk of future antisocial behavior including crime and substance abuse." They also give tools for developing positive discipline such as: Use empathy and respect; Research positive discipline; Understand the unmet need; Work out a solution together; Be proactive; Understand the child's developmental abilities; Create a "yes" environment; Discipline through play. More: http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/disc.php
　
Author and professor James Garbarino, one of my heroes and a "national treasure" who has worked tirelessly on behalf of children for years, believes that the consequences of spanking cause sufficient harm that spanking should be illegal. Jim’s "Lost Boys" came out synchronistically at the time of Columbine. I have several of Jim’s books and you can go here for more information: http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Children-Socially-Toxic-Environment/dp/07879504244
http://www.amazon.com/Lost-Boys-Sons-Turn-Violent/dp/0684859084
http://www.psychpage.com/family/library/garbarino.html
http://www.luc.edu/chrc/jamesbio.shtml
　
From "Spanked Children Lose Trust": "In his booklet Plain Talk About Spanking, Jordan Riak writes: "the act of spanking a child erodes the bond of trust between the child and the parent. The spanked child is less able to regard the parent as a source of care, protection and comfort which are vital to every child's healthy development." Without a sense of trust of his parent, the child's ability to grow up and be an emotionally healthy adult who is able to trust and love others is severely hindered." More: http://www.parent.net/article/archive/spankchi.shtml

In the article "Disciplining Your Child", the authors describe what to do instead of corporal punishment. Please go here for more information: http://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/pages/Disciplining-Your-Child.aspx?nfstatus=401&nftoken=00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000000&nfstatusdescription=ERROR%3a+No+local+token

Difference between discipline and punishment:
http://www.extension.umn.edu/distribution/familydevelopment/00090.html
http://parenting.families.com/blog/discipline-vs-punishment
http://www.articlesbase.com/parenting-articles/discipline-and-punishment-the-key-differences-between-these-two-terms-903424.html#axzz0m3ZxVTT4

Other resources:
http://www.nospank.net/aap4.htm
http://www.parentsask.com/parenting/ann-corwin/american-academy-pediatrics-strongly-opposes-spanking.html

Books:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0316779032/jamen
http://www.nurturingourfamilies.com/spirited/bookshop/apbook.html